John: Carla, it's the first of the month. Where's my rent check for the poolroom and the bathrooms?
Carla: Here you are. Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John: Thank you. Tell me, Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla: Say, is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla: You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John: Shrike.
Carla: Bullet head.
John: Slattern.
Carla: Hatchet face.
John: Well, must be off. Till next month, then.
Carla: He's good people.

Cliff: You know, uh, I don't think that a ground surface irregularity of this nature is so strange. I mean, after all, the entire East Coast is sinking. We all know that. I mean, due to global warming, the polar ice caps are melting and, hey, we're gonna be all underwater anyway. Yeah, that's why l, uh, like to keep a couple of cans of tuna and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car. Wait a second, I ate the tuna a couple of nights ago. I'd better go out and get some more. Boy, if that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.

Lilith: This is a bit of a surprise, isn't it, Rebecca? Why do you want Cheers? I would think for you this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities.
Norm: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Lilith: I would think for you this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla: No, that's Clavin, and F.Y.l., it's not just failure.
Rebecca: You know, actually, Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had anyplace else in my life.
Lilith: Dear God. ... Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else.

Harry: Well, Rebecca, I need to work up the figures, but everything seems to be in good shape. Except for that strange floor deformity.
Rebecca: What floor deformity?
Harry: There seems to be a depression here. It's almost as if this bar stool is sinking right into the earth. I wonder what could cause that.
Norm: Uh, pardon me, pal. You're standing between me and my cheese doodles.

Rebecca: Oh, gee, John. I think that stain is gonna set in here.
John: I'm willing to throw caution to the wind and say I'll risk my carpet.
Rebecca: We really need to put something on it.
John: Very well. How about us?
Rebecca: Eww... Oh. I mean, as enchanting as that offer is, John, I- I really think club soda would be more effective.
John: Oh, you're into club soda, are you?
Rebecca: No, not really, I just... [softly] What can that possibly mean?

Rebecca: Sam, I am prepared to make you a legitimate offer on this bar. I can offer you $25,000 cash right now.
Sam: How about $15,000 in cash and $10,000 in vermouth?!
Rebecca: Sam, I'm serious.
Sam: Where are you going to get that kind of money?
Rebecca: [scoffs] I have a degree. I'm a businesswoman. I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation. My daddy's giving it to me.
Sam: He's just giving it to you?
Rebecca: Well, no, we have an agreement. He agreed to give me the money and I agreed to never again come home and cry so hard that I throw up at the dinner table.

Sam: Oh, no, no, no. This is not gonna happen here. Listen, if you want to sell these rooms to somebody, sell them to me. I mean, whatever she offered you, I'll pay more.
John: Oh, really?
Sam: Why? Wait a minute. What- What did she offer you?
Rebecca: I offered him the $25,000 my father gave me.
John: Sam, do you have a father?
Rebecca: Hold it. Excuse me. Wait a minute. You accepted my deal. You said, "Yes."
John: "Yes" can mean so many things.
Sam: You see, you see what she's trying to do here, don't you, John? I mean, if she gets a hold of those bathrooms and the pool room, she, she'll take the whole bar from me and she's gonna ruin me.
John: Oh, I'm all a tingle.

Rebecca: That was a very nice meal, Mr. Hill.
John: Thank you.
Rebecca: I only wish that I could have cooked it for you.
John: Oh, well, I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing the windows. Why don't we just sit here a while and enjoy a little wine, before you do the dishes.

Paul: Sam, I'm sitting here until I get a tab.
Norm: What are you talking about? Paul doesn't have a tab here? Please. This is one of our most loyal customers for years. If anyone deserves a tab in this joint, it's Paul.
Sam: All right. We'll run a tab for Paul.
Paul: Hey, thanks, Norm.
Norm: Can I have beer, please, Sam, and, uh, why don't we put it on Paul's tab?

Carla: I must be doing somethin' right. A guy just gave me a ten dollar tip on a $30 bar tab.
Norm: That's a single.
Carla: Oh, man. Well, I might as well get this over with. Woody, cover for me. I shouldn't put this off any longer.
Cliff: There you go, now you're thinking there, Carla. Get those eyes checked out properly.
Carla: Forget that. I'm going to run the cheapskate over like a dog.
Cliff: Well, if your eyes are in such great shape, then how come you took my car keys by mistake?
Carla: That was no mistake. You think I want his blood and hair on my fender?