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‘Crash of the Titans’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Crash of the Titans

920. Crash of the Titans

Aired February 21, 1991

As Rebecca works to buy the bar off Sam, despite his lack of interest, they both end up trying to convince John Allen Hill to sell them the back rooms.

Quote from Carla

John: Carla, it's the first of the month. Where's my rent check for the poolroom and the bathrooms?
Carla: Here you are. Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John: Thank you. Tell me, Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla: Say, is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla: You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John: Shrike.
Carla: Bullet head.
John: Slattern.
Carla: Hatchet face.
John: Well, must be off. Till next month, then.
Carla: He's good people.

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Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, uh, I don't think that a ground surface irregularity of this nature is so strange. I mean, after all, the entire East Coast is sinking. We all know that. I mean, due to global warming, the polar ice caps are melting and, hey, we're gonna be all underwater anyway. Yeah, that's why l, uh, like to keep a couple of cans of tuna and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car. Wait a second, I ate the tuna a couple of nights ago. I'd better go out and get some more. Boy, if that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: This is a bit of a surprise, isn't it, Rebecca? Why do you want Cheers? I would think for you this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities.
Norm: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Lilith: I would think for you this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla: No, that's Clavin, and F.Y.l., it's not just failure.
Rebecca: You know, actually, Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had anyplace else in my life.
Lilith: Dear God. ... Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I must be doing somethin' right. A guy just gave me a ten dollar tip on a $30 bar tab.
Norm: That's a single.
Carla: Oh, man. Well, I might as well get this over with. Woody, cover for me. I shouldn't put this off any longer.
Cliff: There you go, now you're thinking there, Carla. Get those eyes checked out properly.
Carla: Forget that. I'm going to run the cheapskate over like a dog.
Cliff: Well, if your eyes are in such great shape, then how come you took my car keys by mistake?
Carla: That was no mistake. You think I want his blood and hair on my fender?

Quote from Norm

Harry: Well, Rebecca, I need to work up the figures, but everything seems to be in good shape. Except for that strange floor deformity.
Rebecca: What floor deformity?
Harry: There seems to be a depression here. It's almost as if this bar stool is sinking right into the earth. I wonder what could cause that.
Norm: Uh, pardon me, pal. You're standing between me and my cheese doodles.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Rebecca: Oh, gee, John. I think that stain is gonna set in here.
John: I'm willing to throw caution to the wind and say I'll risk my carpet.
Rebecca: We really need to put something on it.
John: Very well. How about us?
Rebecca: Eww... Oh. I mean, as enchanting as that offer is, John, I- I really think club soda would be more effective.
John: Oh, you're into club soda, are you?
Rebecca: No, not really, I just... [softly] What can that possibly mean?

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Sam, I am prepared to make you a legitimate offer on this bar. I can offer you $25,000 cash right now.
Sam: How about $15,000 in cash and $10,000 in vermouth?!
Rebecca: Sam, I'm serious.
Sam: Where are you going to get that kind of money?
Rebecca: [scoffs] I have a degree. I'm a businesswoman. I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation. My daddy's giving it to me.
Sam: He's just giving it to you?
Rebecca: Well, no, we have an agreement. He agreed to give me the money and I agreed to never again come home and cry so hard that I throw up at the dinner table.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Sam: Oh, no, no, no. This is not gonna happen here. Listen, if you want to sell these rooms to somebody, sell them to me. I mean, whatever she offered you, I'll pay more.
John: Oh, really?
Sam: Why? Wait a minute. What- What did she offer you?
Rebecca: I offered him the $25,000 my father gave me.
John: Sam, do you have a father?
Rebecca: Hold it. Excuse me. Wait a minute. You accepted my deal. You said, "Yes."
John: "Yes" can mean so many things.
Sam: You see, you see what she's trying to do here, don't you, John? I mean, if she gets a hold of those bathrooms and the pool room, she, she'll take the whole bar from me and she's gonna ruin me.
John: Oh, I'm all a tingle.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Rebecca: That was a very nice meal, Mr. Hill.
John: Thank you.
Rebecca: I only wish that I could have cooked it for you.
John: Oh, well, I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing the windows. Why don't we just sit here a while and enjoy a little wine, before you do the dishes.

Quote from Norm

Paul: Sam, I'm sitting here until I get a tab.
Norm: What are you talking about? Paul doesn't have a tab here? Please. This is one of our most loyal customers for years. If anyone deserves a tab in this joint, it's Paul.
Sam: All right. We'll run a tab for Paul.
Paul: Hey, thanks, Norm.
Norm: Can I have beer, please, Sam, and, uh, why don't we put it on Paul's tab?

Quote from Paul

Paul: Another beer, Sam. Uh, put it on my tab.
Sam: Actually, Paul, we don't run tabs here.
Paul: What do you mean you don't run tabs here? Norm Peterson has a tab the size of his pants.
Sam: Well, that's, that's Norm.
Paul: Well, this is Paul.
Sam: Come on, Norm doesn't have much in life, except Cheers.
Paul: What about me? I'm unemployed. I don't like my wife.
Sam: You're putting me in a tough spot here.
Paul: I'm sorry, Sam, I really want a tab.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Hey, Carla.
Carla: What's the matter, Eefus?
Woody: Well, you served table three's drinks to table five.
Carla: That's a five?
Woody: Yeah, can't you read that?
Cliff: Aw, it's not surprising, Woody. Carla's reaching that age where the lens of the cornea loses its elasticity. They do say that the eye is the first to go. [chuckles]
Carla: Keep it up and your teeth will be the first to go. [sticks in an olive in Cliff's ear]
Cliff: That was clearly a three there, Eefus. Get your orders straight.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Oh, I see a starfish.
Cliff: I think it's a manta ray.
Woody: You showing ink blots again, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Uh, no, Woody. We are engaged in something far more challenging than anything Hermann Rorschach ever dreamed up.
Norm: That's right, Wood, we're trying to figure out the five hidden pictures on Melville's kiddie place mat.

Quote from Carla

Phil: Excuse me, Miss. Is this total right?
[Carla briefly puts on a pair of glasses as she reads the check]
Carla: Yeah.
Cliff: What was that?
Carla: Nothing.
Cliff: There was something across the bridge of your nose. It was horn-rimmed and a little Coke bottle-ish.
Carla: All right, I went to one of those one-hour joints and I got myself a pair of reading glasses. But if I hear one single comment about Ben Franklin or Granny or "four eyes," I will cut out your tongue and fry it up for lunch.
[As Carla puts on her glasses, Norm and Cliff muffle their laughter]
Cliff: [laughs] I don't care. It's worth a tongue.
Carla: Oh, darn. These glasses have a spot on them. [sprays water hose at Cliff] That's better.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: What are you doing, Sam?
Sam: Huh? Oh, I'm, uh, faking a letter from the lRS here saying that Rebecca overpaid her return last year. So the government now owes her $25 million.
Lilith: Sam.
Sam: Well, it could happen! Come on! Give me a break.
Lilith: I think your humor is expressing a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps, deep down, you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.
Sam: Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.
Lilith: Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?
Frasier: She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam. You should see her rule the roost in her bra and panties. [laughs] Well, well well, hey, it's a compliment, baby!

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