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‘Ma's Little Maggie’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Ma's Little Maggie

1005. Ma's Little Maggie

Aired October 17, 1991

When Margaret O'Keefe returns to Boston and hopes to rekindle her relationship with Cliff, he is worried about breaking the news to his mother.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Doc, you gotta help me. I mean, it's all happening so fast. One minute, I- I'm leading my life. And the next minute, before you know it, I'm standing in a line down at the marriage bureau with a bunch of other people waiting for a license. I looked into their eyes. You know what I saw? The smell of death.
Frasier: Aren't you exaggerating just a bit?
Cliff: Oh, no. Fras, when I was a teenager, I used to work at a slaughterhouse. And I watched them when they brought them in, and I watched them when they took them out. But I've never seen nothing like that.

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Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: So, you see, the entire region might more accurately be described as "The Bermuda Rhombus".
Cliff: Well, thanks, Ma.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: Oh I understand, Clifford. If this is the woman you've chosen to take my place I guess the only thing for me to do is die.
Cliff: Ma, what are you doing?
Esther Clavin: I'm dying.
Cliff: You're not dying. Will you stop it? Come on.
Esther Clavin: No need to take me to the graveyard, Clifford. Just set me next to your tubby friend there. And when I start to bloat, just toss me in the Dumpster.
Norm: Thanks for bringing your ma by.
Esther Clavin: It's the way I want to go, alone in a bar without my son. Anyone who is blood-type O is welcome to my organs. I don't recommend the heart. It's been broken. What's that, Grandma? Come toward the light?

Quote from Esther Clavin

Cliff: Ma, you know, this is all happening so fast. I mean, here I am going to marry Margaret, I don't even remember proposing.
Esther Clavin: No. If we waited for you to propose, I'd never be a grandmother.
Cliff: What are you talking about?
Esther Clavin: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. I think we'd better have a little talk. Woody! Two whiskeys, and leave the bottle.
Esther Clavin: Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking forward to this but with your father out of the picture [breathes deeply], it's one of those crosses I'm going to have to bear, along with many others. Now, when a man and woman love each other very much, they share a very special kind of hug. [drinks] Ooh... ah!
Cliff: Ma, look, you don't have to tell me all this stuff. I already know.
Esther Clavin: All right, who's the dirty mouth who's been telling my son these things?
Norm: [raises his hand] Only, um... Only I used a different word for "hug."
Esther Clavin: Here's a pamphlet to fill in the many gaps left by lover-boy over there. Read it. Read it before your wedding night.
Cliff: "Howard's New Feelings".

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, well, the only real hurdle left is Ma.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else in the world meets your significant other.
Norm: Which would be which, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, now you see my problem.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Margaret: Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff. Uh, that and his manners.
Esther Clavin: Good heavens. His what?
Margaret: His manners.
Esther Clavin: Oh, my dear, I thought you said his manhood.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: So, Cliff, how'd it go upstairs?
Cliff: Oh, great. They got along like, uh, two long-lost friends. All through lunch, it was just yak, yak, yak, yak.
Paul: Couple of real chatterboxes, huh?
Cliff: Uh, no. Ma just knows a lot of trivia about yaks.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Sam: So, uh, what'd your ma say when you told her?
Cliff: Well, I'm gonna break it to her this afternoon. See, I came up with this great idea. I'm gonna tell her in a public place where I'm surrounded by my friends, you see? Then she'll have to control herself and she won't embarrass me.
Esther Clavin: [enters] Clifford, for the hundredth time, if you want to use my shower cap in the morning, will you put it back where you found it? Perhaps as a reminder, you'd like to wear it for the rest of the day?
Frasier: You know, suddenly I see Cliff as heroically well-adjusted.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: Oh, I haven't looked at these in ages.
Margaret: Is that Cliff?
Esther Clavin: Oh, my, no. That's Clifford's father. You see where Clifford got his wide bottom.
Margaret: Mm. I've always wondered.
Esther Clavin: When Clifford was a baby, we'd set him down and gently push him over. And wouldn't you know, he'd pop right back up just like, just like one of those inflatable clowns!

Quote from Carla

Esther Clavin: Don't say no. I want to buy you a mobile home. Now, I can't afford the deluxe model with the front porch, so...
Margaret: Oh, well, that's okay. We'll make it home. I'm awfully handy. I I can make a nice gravel garden, and we can buy one of those concrete gnomes.
Carla: You're already getting one.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: I couldn't help noticing, dear, that all the wedding dresses you favored were pure white. Can I assume that's appropriate?
Margaret: Well, here we are!
Esther Clavin: All right. Message received. None of my business.

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: Ma's really done it to me this time.
Frasier: Cliff, why do you have to do what she says?
Cliff: She's Ma.
Frasier: Look. Think back. Have you ever stood up to your mother?
Cliff: Have you ever stood up to Lilith?
Frasier: Touche, Cliff, but we're not discussing me.

Quote from Cliff

Margaret: Cliff, is something wrong?
Cliff: It's about the wedding, Margaret. I don't think I want to get married just yet.
Margaret: Why, Cliff? Don't you love me?
Cliff: Oh, Maggie, of course I love you. But, if we're going to get married, I want it to be our decision, and not Ma's. That woman has been making decisions for me long enough. We'll know in our hearts when the time is right.
Margaret: Oh, Cliff!
Cliff: Maggie, when I propose to you, it's going to be the most romantic thing you've ever heard.
Margaret: I don't know, Cliff. It would be awfully hard to beat the way your ma said it.
Cliff: Yeah. Oh, Margaret? You'll, uh you'll still be my girlfriend, won't you?
Margaret: Oh, yes, Cliff. I understand completely. You want to be your own man.
Cliff: Exactly. All right! Now, would you get out there and tell that to my mother?

Quote from Woody

Lilith: Woody, could we have some more pretzels, please?
Frasier: Woody?
Woody: Oh, sorry, Dr. Crane. I- I was just thinking about how big the universe is.
Frasier: Yes, it is, Woody. As a matter of fact, it's expanding all the time. Spiraling outward, ad infinitum, from the center of its origin at an alarming seven miles per second.
Woody: You mean all of us are getting bigger?
Frasier: Well, no, Woody, we we're not expanding. The universe is.
Lilith: Although some of us could stand to eat a few less jelly doughnuts.
Woody: So, as the universe expands, what happens to us?
Frasier: Well, someday we'll just explode into billions of atoms, which themselves will cease to exist in time. Why, in ten quadrillion years, there'll be nothing left of anything.
Lilith: May I have those pretzels now, Woody?
Woody: Sure, better get them while you can.

Quote from Carla

Norm: So, uh, what's the occasion, Cliff?
Cliff: My girlfriend, Margaret. Just picked her up at the airport, dropped her off at the hotel. She'll be by in a few minutes.
Norm: All right! Margaret's back from Canada.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. She just couldn't take those brutal freezing winters those sub-zero temperatures, the lonely sense of isolation, so she's, uh, coming back to me.
Carla: Yeah? Well, the grass is always greener.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Hey, Cliffie, do we, uh, hear [glasses jingling] wedding bells?
Cliff: Ah. [chuckling] Not for this muchacho, there, Sammy.
Sam: What are you talking about? I thought you always wanted to get married.
Cliff: No, no, no, no. No time soon, that's for sure. Hey, there's still a lot of postage left on this U.S. male.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Sam, that's not the point. You were supposed to stay in peak physical condition. You know, caffeine loading could be the reason why we haven't been able to conceive for the last two months.
Sam: Come on. It's just a cup of coffee.
Rebecca: No, Sam, you have to promise me something. Till I am pregnant, you have to stay in better shape. You have to stop drinking coffee, stop eating junk food and stop staying up late watching movies.
Norm: Why don't you just kill the man?

Quote from Sam

Sam: All right, all right, all right. If you really think this is important, I'll, uh, I'll stop drinking coffee.
Rebecca: All right, good. I mean, we only have two days left in this month.
Sam: What do you mean?
Rebecca: Well, you see here on the calendar, l, I put a B for baby on the days when I'm likely to conceive. You know, the days when we should make love.
Sam: That's funny. I usually put an F.
Rebecca: F?
Sam: For "fertile." What did you think I meant? You know, I'm... I'm not so sure I want you to carry my baby.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Cliff: Listen, I've got some, uh, lunch reservations up there at Melville's for, uh, me and my gals. What do you say?
Esther Clavin: Oh, I get to have lunch, and then it's off to the ice floe.
Margaret: Oh, you must be referring to the custom of the Inuit people, where they set their golden-agers on an ice floe to die.
Esther Clavin: How did you know that?
Margaret: Oh, I love trivia.
Esther Clavin: Good answer.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.
Sam: What makes you think it's my fault?
Rebecca: Well, I've been doing some reading, and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?
Sam: Sweetheart, I know the lights are usually out, but I do take 'em off.

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