Cliff: Doc, you gotta help me. I mean, it's all happening so fast. One minute, I- I'm leading my life. And the next minute, before you know it, I'm standing in a line down at the marriage bureau with a bunch of other people waiting for a license. I looked into their eyes. You know what I saw? The smell of death.
Frasier: Aren't you exaggerating just a bit?
Cliff: Oh, no. Fras, when I was a teenager, I used to work at a slaughterhouse. And I watched them when they brought them in, and I watched them when they took them out. But I've never seen nothing like that.

Esther Clavin: So, you see, the entire region might more accurately be described as "The Bermuda Rhombus".
Cliff: Well, thanks, Ma.

Cliff: Ma, you know, this is all happening so fast. I mean, here I am going to marry Margaret, I don't even remember proposing.
Esther Clavin: No. If we waited for you to propose, I'd never be a grandmother.
Cliff: What are you talking about?
Esther Clavin: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. I think we'd better have a little talk. Woody! Two whiskeys, and leave the bottle.
Esther Clavin: Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking forward to this but with your father out of the picture [breathes deeply], it's one of those crosses I'm going to have to bear, along with many others. Now, when a man and woman love each other very much, they share a very special kind of hug. [drinks] Ooh... ah!
Cliff: Ma, look, you don't have to tell me all this stuff. I already know.
Esther Clavin: All right, who's the dirty mouth who's been telling my son these things?
Norm: [raises his hand] Only, um... Only I used a different word for "hug."
Esther Clavin: Here's a pamphlet to fill in the many gaps left by lover-boy over there. Read it. Read it before your wedding night.
Cliff: "Howard's New Feelings".

Esther Clavin: Oh I understand, Clifford. If this is the woman you've chosen to take my place I guess the only thing for me to do is die.
Cliff: Ma, what are you doing?
Esther Clavin: I'm dying.
Cliff: You're not dying. Will you stop it? Come on.
Esther Clavin: No need to take me to the graveyard, Clifford. Just set me next to your tubby friend there. And when I start to bloat, just toss me in the Dumpster.
Norm: Thanks for bringing your ma by.
Esther Clavin: It's the way I want to go, alone in a bar without my son. Anyone who is blood-type O is welcome to my organs. I don't recommend the heart. It's been broken. What's that, Grandma? Come toward the light?

Norm: So, Cliff, how'd it go upstairs?
Cliff: Oh, great. They got along like, uh, two long-lost friends. All through lunch, it was just yak, yak, yak, yak.
Paul: Couple of real chatterboxes, huh?
Cliff: Uh, no. Ma just knows a lot of trivia about yaks.

Cliff: Yeah, well, the only real hurdle left is Ma.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else in the world meets your significant other.
Norm: Which would be which, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, now you see my problem.

Margaret: Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff. Uh, that and his manners.
Esther Clavin: Good heavens. His what?
Margaret: His manners.
Esther Clavin: Oh, my dear, I thought you said his manhood.

Sam: So, uh, what'd your ma say when you told her?
Cliff: Well, I'm gonna break it to her this afternoon. See, I came up with this great idea. I'm gonna tell her in a public place where I'm surrounded by my friends, you see? Then she'll have to control herself and she won't embarrass me.
Esther Clavin: [enters] Clifford, for the hundredth time, if you want to use my shower cap in the morning, will you put it back where you found it? Perhaps as a reminder, you'd like to wear it for the rest of the day?
Frasier: You know, suddenly I see Cliff as heroically well-adjusted.

Esther Clavin: Oh, I haven't looked at these in ages.
Margaret: Is that Cliff?
Esther Clavin: Oh, my, no. That's Clifford's father. You see where Clifford got his wide bottom.
Margaret: Mm. I've always wondered.
Esther Clavin: When Clifford was a baby, we'd set him down and gently push him over. And wouldn't you know, he'd pop right back up just like, just like one of those inflatable clowns!

Esther Clavin: Don't say no. I want to buy you a mobile home. Now, I can't afford the deluxe model with the front porch, so...
Margaret: Oh, well, that's okay. We'll make it home. I'm awfully handy. I I can make a nice gravel garden, and we can buy one of those concrete gnomes.
Carla: You're already getting one.