Mary: Dick! What's going on? You were supposed to break her heart, not propose.
Dick: She proposed to me.
Mary: I can't believe you accepted. I'm beginning to think you want to be with her.
Dick: No! No! No, Mary, on the contrary. This will be our greatest moment. Being jilted at the altar is the ultimate in humiliation. Renata will be dumped from dizzying heights with everyone watching.
Mary: I'm not sure even she deserves this.
Dick: She does, Mary. You know that.
Mary: Yes, I do. [chuckles]

Sally: [laughing] That was good. Oh, I gotta tell ya, Albright, going out with you and Dick was not quite the spike in the forehead I thought it was gonna be.
Don: And to pay for all our movie tickets, that was just above and beyond.
Mary: Oh, well, Dick convinced me that was the thing to do when he grabbed my credit card and paid for everybody.
Dick: Oh, that reminds me, Mary, I'll be needing that card back sometime after dessert.

Mary: Applause is nice, but it doesn't buy the groceries. You can tip the performers if you want.
Dick: Oh, yeah, here. I will.
Mary: $100? I don't care what you've heard. This will only buy you... another song.

Dick: You know, I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be spending so much time in a seedy bar like this, Mary. Maybe, instead, you should be singing in a Broadway show.
Mary: What a great idea. But I'm way ahead of you, handsome. It won't be long before I'll be joining the cast of Cats.
Dick: I've got bad news for you. Mary, Cats is closed.
Mary: Damn, that was fast!

Tommy: Hey, Dr. Albright, do you have a minute?
Mary: Oh, sure, Tommy. Here at Pendelton, our doors are always open to prospective students.
Tommy: Thanks. Uh, it's about Dick. I'm really worried. He's being incredibly selfish and bull-headed.
Mary: And...?
Tommy: Well, I- I need your help. We had this fight, and now he's forcing me to go to Pendelton.
Mary: Oh, no. [closes door] Oh, Tommy, I felt so dirty trying to get you to go to this two-bit clown college.
Tommy: And rightly so.

Dick: Our family's a more recent arrival. So I guess we'll never be as American as you are.
Mary: Oh, no. You're missing the point. We're a land of immigrants. The Albrights founded America so that people like you who come from near and far could share in its freedoms and prosperity.
Dick: Is there such a thing as too far?
Mary: Of course not. Too many, maybe.

Don: Mary, where are you going?
Mary: I'm- I'm sorry, Don. I'm just not cut out for this class. My mother told me that girls don't hit, and I guess I never got beyond that.
Don: All right, but no refunds.
Mary: No.
Harry: Hey, Albright, isn't that the same mother that said you'd always be fat?
Mary: Yes.
Harry: Yeah. And didn't she also say that you'd always be a failure?
Mary: Yes.
Harry: Uh-huh. And didn't she also tell you that you'd never get married unless is was to a big fat failure like yourself?
Mary: You old bag!

Nina: Dr. Albright. Please know that none of us are here to judge you.
Mary: Why would you be?
Nina: What you have is a disease.
Don: You do? Well, could we crack a window? I got Jimmy Buffett tickets next Tuesday.
Nina: I'm talking about her drinking.
Mary: My drinking?!
Dick: [stammering] Now, just hang on-
Cheryl: Hey, I thought you looked familiar! I know you from the supermarket. You're the white zinfandel lady.
Mary: They- They call me that?
Harry: Let me tell you somethin', Albright. Your drinkin' doesn't just hurt you. It hurts everyone around you.
Dick: Will you shut up?!
Mary: I do not have a drinking problem!

Dick: Mary, coming to lunch? A new sushi place just opened.
Mary: Dick, I can't have sushi.
Dick: Why not?
Mary: I'm allergic. It makes me vomit.
Dick: Who could have put that idea in your head?
Mary: The paramedics.

Dick: So, Martha, how are you enjoying your visit with our Mary?
Martha Albright: It's terrif. Quite a hostess, my little Mary Margaret.
Mary: Thank you, Mother.
Martha Albright: It's not every day you get to sleep on a mildewed metal cot.
Mary: I did offer you my bed.
Martha Albright: I know, I know, but it just didn't seem right. Little bit too much history there. Pumpkin, don't lean over your plate. This is a restaurant. You're not in a federal prison.
Mary: I could be. Real soon.
Martha Albright: Would you two excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back. Those Cape Cods go right through you.