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‘My Mother, My Dick’ Quotes Page 1 of 2  

3rd Rock from the Sun: My Mother, My Dick

614. My Mother, My Dick

Aired February 20, 2001

Dick stands up to Mary's mother, Martha Albright (Elaine Stritch). Meanwhile, Sally and Harry take care of alien from the home planet when they mess around with the portal.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Why don't you tell your mother how you feel?
Mary: Oh, I can't. How can you tell your mother she's a terrible mother?
Martha Albright: [returns] This is a perfectly lovely restaurant you picked out, Mary Margaret. Thank you. Nice woman in the ladies room gave me this comb. There you go. Put it to good use.
Dick: So, Mary, first a toast to Martha. You are a terrible mother!
Martha Albright: What was that?
Dick: I'm sorry, that didn't come out quite right. To Martha, the worst mother in all the world.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: It's okay, I found a way to tell her. [silently] The toast.
Martha Albright: How dare you? I mean, really. How dare you? If this drink wasn't so bloody good, I'd toss it in your face.
Dick: Well, bring it on!


Quote from Mary

Dick: So, Martha, how are you enjoying your visit with our Mary?
Martha Albright: It's terrif. Quite a hostess, my little Mary Margaret.
Mary: Thank you, Mother.
Martha Albright: It's not every day you get to sleep on a mildewed metal cot.
Mary: I did offer you my bed.
Martha Albright: I know, I know, but it just didn't seem right. Little bit too much history there. Pumpkin, don't lean over your plate. This is a restaurant. You're not in a federal prison.
Mary: I could be. Real soon.
Martha Albright: Would you two excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back. Those Cape Cods go right through you.

Quote from Dick

Mary: I am in hell!
Dick: Oh, my poor Mary, I can't stand to see you like this, all miserable and freckled with breadcrumbs.
Mary: Oh. I dread these visits. It's psychological torture. I mean, this is the reason I was fat when I was a child. Food was my only friend.
Dick: Well, it's good to see you two have stayed in touch.

Quote from Dick

Mary: Dick, you will not have a fistfight with my mother!
Dick: It's okay, Mary. I'll use the open hand. Come on. Come on, Martha. Get out here.
Mary: Wait a minute!
Martha Albright: Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm leaving.
Dick: I'm telling you, Mary, it's the only way to settle this.
Martha Albright: You pissant! [kicks Dick and trips] Oh, my hip!
Dick: Waiter, we'll have an ambulance for the lady, and I still haven't gotten my salad.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Mary, you look like you've been up all night.
Mary: Oh, no, Dick. I had a very restful night with my mother in the hospital.
Dick: I was only trying to make things better between the two of you.
Mary: I know. But you just made things worse. Now when she gets out of the hospital she's going to have to stay with me.
Dick: Oh, I'm so sorry. Mary, I wish there was something I could do to make things right for you.
Mary: As long as Martha Albright is in my- my life, there's nothing any of us can do.
Dick: I'll find a way, my darling. For you, no sacrifice is too great. Oh, by the way, with all the ruckus at dinner last night, I accidentally over tipped. You owe me a fiver.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Excuse me, are you Martha Albright's doctor?
Dr. Schulman: Who are you?
Dick: I'm here on behalf of the Albright family. Sadly, we've decided it's best to to pull the plug.
Dr. Schulman: What? She- She just had a hip replacement.
Dick: Look, this is a quality of life issue.
Dr. Schulman: She's perfectly healthy.
Dick: No, not her quality of life, her daughter's.
Dr. Schulman: I'm calling security.
Dick: Oh, come on. It's almost ski season. You're gonna need the beds.

Quote from Dick

[Dick sneaks into Martha's hospital room and unplugs a cord]
Martha Albright: Who the hell unplugged my fan?
Dick: Hello, Martha.
Martha Albright: What're you doing here? The psych ward's on 6.
Dick: Good to see the morphine hasn't dulled the neurons where "mean" is stored.

Quote from Dick

Dick: The truth hurts, doesn't it, Martha? But there's no space-age titanium hip replacement to mend Mary's broken childhood.
Martha Albright: "Mary's broken childhood." Puh-lease. Mary was loved, Dick. Mary had a lovely home, Dick. Mary went to the best schools... Dick. We even bought her a pony when she was eight.
Dick: A pony?
Martha Albright: Yes.
Dick: Mary never told me that.
Martha Albright: And when she was a teenager, [gasps] what a handful. Do you know I had to lace her orange juice in the morning with crushed birth control pills.
Dick: So... So you made sure she got her vitamin C and kept her from getting knocked up? That is so caring.
Martha Albright: All right, I was hard on her. But I just wanted her to be the best Mary Margaret ever. I loved her, Dick. And I still do. I just love her.
Dick: I never realized there was another side to the story. The mother's side. Martha, from now on, you will want for neither gratitude nor affection, because, gentle Mother, I will tend to your every need.
Martha Albright: Oh, Dick. I have to go to the john.
Dick: I'll ring for the nurses.

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Mrs. Dubcek: Hi, hi, hi. Hi. I'm sorry to be late. Another pharmacy is on to me.

Quote from Dick

Dick: I hope you're happy. You leave the receptor open, you didn't use precautions, and now look what you've got, another mouth to feed.
Sally: Wait a second, we don't wanna be saddled with him. We got our whole lives ahead of us.
Dick: You should've thought of that before you had your fun. 30 seconds of pleasure and a whole lifetime of responsibility.

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