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Red, White & Dick

‘Red, White & Dick’

Season 6, Episode 8 -  Aired December 19, 2000

The Solomons get a taste of patriotism after hearing the national anthem at a hockey game. Meanwhile, Sally and Tommy elect Harry as their "equality leader".

Quote from Nina

Mary: I'm sorry. I get a little passionate about this. You know, my family came over on the Mayflower.
Dick: The Mayflower?
Nina: Oh, boy.
Mary: That's right. Neddy Albright was one of the first settlers to come to America on the Mayflower.
Dick: Nina, was your family on the Mayflower?
Nina: No, we came over on a different boat. But I'm sure we hooked up with the Albrights soon after we arrived.


Quote from Tommy

Dick: You know, I had such a great time with Mary today. In the past, there's always been this human-alien barrier. But today, we were just two Americans.
Tommy: You're Canadian.
Dick: What?!
Tommy: Your passport here says you're Canadian.
Harry: Guilty.
Dick: No! How come I'm not American?
Tommy: Well, I thought it would look pretty suspicious if all four members of our family were from the same country.
Dick: I can't argue with that logic. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell Mary that's she's sleeping with the enemy?

Quote from Dick

Dick: Care for a Canadian lager?
Mary: Oh, put that away. We're at school.
Dick: Fine. Fine. Mmm. Mary, this Canadian bacon is good stuff. Would you like some?
Mary: I don't think I've ever had Canadian bacon.
Dick: Oh, Mary, you've been having it for the last four years!

Quote from Dick

Tommy: Fine. If you want to be an American so badly, I'll just print you up a fake passport.
Dick: No, don't you get it, man? I've been fake for too long. For five years, I've been pretending to be human with Mary. But for one brief, shining moment, we were both real. Real Americans. I want that back.
Tommy: Well, then you'll have to do it the hard way. Apply for citizenship.
Dick: The hard way is the American way.
Tommy: Tell me about it. I'm wearing standard-issue underwear. And guess what? It rides.
Dick: Until I get my American citizenship, I'll just be careful what I talk "aboot" around Mary.
Tommy: Uh... "Aboot?"
Dick: Did I say "aboot?" Oh, I'm sorry. I've been under a lot of stress, eh? Eh? Oh!

Quote from Dick

Mr. Barnes: I don't think you understand. Um, why don't you take these study materials and just come back when you're ready.
Dick: No, I'm ready now. I've lied on my tax returns, I've been arrested, and I don't vote. I'm a true American. Test me. Test me now.
Mr. Barnes: Okay. Question one: How is the President of the United States elected?
Dick: I know this. He, or she - yeah, right - is chosen on the basis of how physically attractive they are and their definition of adultery. And it doesn't hurt to know Barbra Streisand.

Quote from Harry

Dick: Humans have such a deep love for their country of origin. They'd even lay down their lives for it. Why is that?
Tommy: Doesn't make any sense to me. It's not like they have any say on where they're born. It's totally random.
Harry: Yeah. Although a lot of Chinese tend to end up in China.

Quote from Dick

Mary: Dick, are you in here?
Dick: Yes. Quilted in darkness like a tiny snow beaver on the plains of Saskatchewan.
Mary: What's wrong?
Dick: There's something I haven't told you, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Dick, whatever it is, whatever you've done, you know I'll stand by you.
Dick: I'm a... I'm a Canadian.
Mary: What?
Dick: A Canadian.
Mary: Why were you afraid to tell me this?
Dick: Because I was ashamed. Someone with your lineage would never knowingly consort with someone whose money is 65 cents to your dollar... on a very good day.

Quote from Dick

Dick: You would have aced that test. You would have known who elects the President of the United States.
Mary: Of course I would have, darling. It's the people.
Dick: No, it's the electoral college.
Mary: Wait- What- No- Yes! The electoral college.
Dick: You didn't know that.
Mary: Oh, yes, I did.
Dick: Then tell me who becomes President if the President and Vice President both die.
Mary: Secretary of State.
Dick: Wrong! Speaker of the House! Swing and a miss. Strike two, Yankee.
Mary: Why are you putting me on trial?
Dick: Because I've been through hell trying to prove that I'm worthy to be here. While you, a great American, a descendant of boat people, you know just as little about America as I do.
Mary: I know plenty!
Dick: No, you don't! Neither do I! We don't know anything about this country! Isn't that wonderful? I love you, you beautiful American idiot!
Mary: Go to hell, you big dumb Canuck!

Quote from Dick

Tommy: Hey, guys, check out what I found in the closet.
Harry: It's the original copy of the Declaration of Independence!
Sally: No!
Harry: Yeah! And it's on one of the original copies of a Rusty Burger placemat.
Dick: Look at this war-torn document, stained with the blood and mustard of patriots past.
Sally: It's so beautiful.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Okay, come on, Americans, let's get over here. Let's start with this thing. Um... blah blah blah... "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal--"
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. What?
Sally: "That all men are created equal."
Tommy: We're all equal? Well, that's cool.
Sally: Yeah.
Tommy: So then for us to be the best Americans we can be, we need complete equality.
Sally: Yes. Yes. Yes. We need to share everything! The food, the land, the work.
Tommy: We'll commune together.
Sally: Exactly! All right. But first things first. Who's in charge?
Tommy: No one. That's the point. We're all equal.
Sally: Right. Good catch.

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