Nina: What she means is you live on the wrong side of the tracks.
Mary: That's not what I'm saying... out loud.
Dick: What?
Mary: Well, it's just that I've tried so hard to get these people to accept me that I don't want to invite them to my boyfriend's attic with his unusual brother and angry Amazon sister in the heart of the meat packing district. No offense.
Dick: No, none taken.
Nina: Or understood.

Nina: So, how was your party? Did you play "pin the tail on the Bentley"?
Dick: [sighs] No, no. Mostly we just played "pin the cheese on the cracker."
Nina: Mmm exciting party, huh?
Dick: Exciting? It was awful. I had a two-hour conversation with someone about Cornish gay men.
Nina: Are you sure it wasn't "Cornish game hen?"
Dick: That's what I said, "Cornish gay men." Aren't you listening?

Dick: Now, Sally, they already adore me. But you must strive to be accepted by these people.
Sally: Accepted? Have you forgotten how hot I am? I mean, good looking women are accepted at more places than American Express. I could belch the alphabet and men with PhDs would be asking me to tutor their kids.

Mary: Oh, Nina, call the florist and tell them no carnations. I want those flowers that look like bird's heads with a stick stuck in its eye. You know, the good ones?
Dick: Why? What's going on?
Nina: Oh, she's having some big affair.
Dick: Wh- You tramp!
Mary: Oh! Dick, it's a catered affair.
Dick: You're cheating on me and your diet?!

Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, have you ever been to north Rutherford?
Mrs. Dubcek: North Rutherford, sure. I once had a fling with a pool boy up there. Lovely cabana, very nice.
Dick: What's so special about it?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, it's a very different class of people there.
Sally: Different class?
Dick: You mean, not homo sapiens?
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh no, they have their "artsy" types too, but they're very discreet.

Mary: [o.s.] I'll be right down.
Sally: Have you noticed?
Harry: What?
Sally: There's no TV in this room.
Harry: Then why does it exist?

Harry: There's no TV in there either. There is no TV anywhere on the ground floor.
Sally: That explains why she's so weird.
Harry: It's why them hoidy-toidies didn't like her party. She got no TV.
Sally: How does she live?
Dick: Uh, actually, she gets a lot of information from books.
Harry: Get out!
Sally: What?
Dick: Sometimes she even reads for entertainment.
Sally: What, like TV Guide?
Dick: No.

Mary: No, the North Rutherford Country Club is planning its charity auction and I volunteered my house.
Dick: I didn't know you were in a club.
Mary: Well, they haven't asked me to join, not yet. They have the most wonderful health spa. Not to mention pool, tennis, golf, spa cuisine. Not that that's important.
Nina: Oh, no.
Mary: I'm doing this for charity.
Dick: Oh, what charity?
Mary: Oh, something for kids. Orphans, I think.

Dick: Listen up, this is very important. We've been asked to hob-knob with the creme de la creme of Rutherford's elite.
Harry: Hmm, well, I'm okay hob-wise. It's the knob part what concerns me.

Tommy: Great news. I am now the coolest punk in school.
Dick: Well, congratulations! What did you do?
Tommy: I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.
Dick: They suspended you for that?! You saved hundreds of lives!
Tommy: No, no, no. That's the best part. There was no fire.
Dick: Tommy, this is outrageous! The next time you set off a fire alarm, you damn well better start a fire first!
Tommy: I can never do anything right for you, now can I?