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Dick and Taxes

‘Dick and Taxes’

Season 4, Episode 12 - Aired February 2, 1999

After Dick learns that he is supposed to file a tax return every year, Mary works out that the Solomons owe $9,000 in back taxes. Meanwhile, Sally starts a salon in the kitchen so they can claim business deductions.

Quote from Harry

Dick: All right. Form 1040. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick, this is so boring. Why are we doing it?
Dick: Because, Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey. You know what would be funny? Where it says sex, write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one, Harry!
Tommy: That is funny.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Well, if there's anyplace you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.


Quote from Dick

Dick: We can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second, you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes. They're just going to assume that we are, too.
Tommy: Hey, check this out. You can get a deduction for having a home business.
Dick: Really? Then it's a good thing that you run one here, Sally.
Sally: Yes, Dick, it sure is.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, that's it Mary. Crunch those numbers. Crunch 'em good.
Mary: So you subtract line 64 from 56-
Dick: Yes, now deduct my pants.
Mary: Dick, I think you're gonna want to keep your pants on.
Dick: Why is that?
Mary: Because you're about to lose your shirt.
Dick: And so are you.
Mary: You owe $9,500!
Dick: What?! You bitch!
Mary: You didn't pay any taxes. What did you expect?
Dick: Well, I certainly didn't expect my girlfriend to wear my ass as a snowshoe!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, and look at this. Here's a receipt for $14.99. Or is it $114.99?
Sally: Or is it $1,114.99?
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. You think they'll buy that? I mean, that's a lot of money for a pencil sharpener.
Dick: Simple. We just cross out "pencil sharpener" and write in "airplane."
Harry: It's brilliant!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, hello, Mary. I was just thinking about how long I've known you. Ten long years.
Mary: It's more like three years.
Dick: Well, then you'd be comfortable saying seven long years?
Mary: No, it's three years, Dick.
Dick: So I can safely quote you as saying that you've known me for six good, verifiable years, then?
Mary: Three.
Dick: Fair enough. But you are quite familiar with what I was doing in the three years prior to that?
Mary: Are you kidding me? You never told me anything about your life before you started working here. You hem, you haw, you rush in, you rush out. Oh, let's not forget the spontaneous laryngitis.
Dick: That was going around.

Quote from Dick

Mary: How about the truth, Dick?
Dick: Tommy's coming up with the truth right now, but in the meantime I'm going to need you to play ball.
Mary: Oh, no. You're not gonna drag me into this.
Dick: Drag you into this? This whole thing is your fault! If it weren't for you, I never would have filed my damn tax return in the first place!
Mary: Well, if you hadn't fudged with my numbers, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Dick: Just remember this. If I go down, you're coming down with me! I hope you burn in hell, Mary Albright! [exits] [returns] Okay, that last bit was a little harsh. But it's been building up for eight long years.
Mary: Three.
Dick: Damn!

Quote from Tommy

Dick: Okay. Now let's go over our return. You, young man. How could this family have lived for three years with no visible income?
Tommy: We collected cans.
Dick: How many cans?
Tommy: 123,450 cans.
Dick: And you didn't report that income?
Tommy: The income was $6,217, which falls well below federal limits for filing.
Dick: Your numbers don't add up!
Tommy: We turned in 33% of those cans in Michigan where it's 5 cents a can, sir!
Dick: Oh, yeah? In Michigan, eh?
Harry: Where I was in a coma! Sir!

Quote from Dick

Dick: All right. It's time to come clean. The reason why we haven't been filing returns is we were kidnapped.
Tommy: That's right!
Sally: Yeah. Yeah. And they said if we filed our taxes... they'd kill us!
Mr. Gindek: Oh, really?
Dick: No! Uh, no. To be honest, we were in the Witness Protection Program, and they were very bad about forwarding our mail.
Mr. Gindek: I don't think so.
Dick: Okay. How about this? We've spend the last four years living in the Canadian rockies with a pack of wolves!
Mr. Gindek: A pack of wolves.
Dick: Yes. I was the alpha dog.

Quote from Dick

Mr. Gindek: Mr. Solomon, why don't you just cooperate? You're only making things harder.
Dick: All right. All right, you've caught us. [all hold hands] We are aliens. We came here from a barred spiral galaxy in the Cepheus Draco border territory in order to study your species. I only ask that you take into account our good intentions before you call in your scientists to dissect us.
Mr. Gindek: Sorry, folks. I've heard that one before, too. Mr. Solomon, you owe $16,143 in back taxes.
All: Yes! [cheer]

Quote from Sally

Sally: "Farm income or loss." So did our farm show a profit last year?
Dick: No. Where is schedule F?
Tommy: Wait, wait. We didn't have a farm last year.
Harry: We lost the farm! No!

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