Mary: Dick, I heard you ran out of Dr. Howard's office today.
Dick: That's not true. It's my word against his.
Nina: Ahem.
Dick: It's Nina's and my word against his.
Nina: Oh, give it up.
Dick: Oh, fine. I left your office. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't out of fear, no. It was out of protest.
Judith: Oh, this should be good.
Dick: You doctors. Your A.M.A.s and your H.M.O.s. People treat you like gods. But you're just a bunch of mountebanks and charlatans, with your "vaccines" and your "penicillins." Oh, sure, people are healthier now than ever, but at what cost? Well, I'll have none of it. Good night, good doctor. Good night! [silence] [runs outs]

Nina: So you did take your physical?
Dick: I did nothing of the sort.
Nina: Everyone who works here has to take one.
Dick: Oh.
Nina: I've scheduled you with Dr. Howard for this afternoon.
Dick: Oh, well, Dr. Howard is in for a treat. I am a masterpiece, a perfect human being. Not a strand of DNA out of place. He'll probably want my organs to put on display.
Mary: Yeah, the sooner the better.
Dick: Oh, yeah.

Dick: You know what I've learned this Halloween? That you should always be brave enough to face your fears. Because when you do, it's only Mrs. Dubcek stuck behind a wall.
Tommy: Always?
Dick: Always.
Sally: Ok, so I know it was Dubcek who was screaming, but did you ever figure out who was rattling those chains?
Dick: Oh, yes. That's the ghost of Mr. Ferguson. Dubcek says he was brutally murdered fourteen years ago in our apartment this very night.

Dick: Oh, nice place. It's, uh, a bit sterile. And you could use a touch of potpourri to mask this somewhat disturbing smell. But it's nice and bright, in a glaring, fluorescent sort of way.
Nurse: Have a seat.
Dick: Crunchy.
Nurse: Now you can go ahead and disrobe. [exits]
Dick: Righto. I'll just be naked here in this cold room with these strange machines gleaming instruments whose function I can only imagine. Aah! Now, now. Nothing to worry about. Aah! Aah! Will somebody make that music stop!
Dr. Howard: [enters] Dick, I'll be with you in a minute.
Dick: The hell you will! [runs out]

Sally: Halloween is such a rip! I mean, there's no big meal, you don't get the day off, and on top of that, it's meaningless.
Tommy: Actually, Sally, uh, Halloween is revered as the day when the graves yawn and the dead rise.
Harry: Plus you get to stick candy corns up your nose.

Dick: The most ridiculous thing happened today.
Harry: Whoa! Get ready for the zinger.
Dick: I had to take a physical.
Harry: [laughs] That's not the least bit funny.
Dick: But when I got to the doctor's, for some reason I got scared, and I had to leave.
Tommy: Well, what do you have to be scared of? [whispers] These bodies, they're human. They can't tell you're an alien.
Sally: Yeah, I mean, besides, you've already been to the doctor for your foot.
Dick: Yeah, but that was to fix something. Now he's just going in looking for trouble.

Mary: So, Dick, did you go to the doctor?
Dick: If you're asking me if I went to the doctor, yes, I went to the doctor.
Nina: What'd he say?
Dick: Oh, the usual. "Hi. How are you?" "Where are you going? Come back!"
Mary: You're just being silly. You're just like my cousin Paul. He avoided going to the doctor, kept putting it off and putting it off until one day he just dropped dead.
Dick: So he never had to go to the doctor?

Mary: Sally, I'm glad you're here. I have to go to a Halloween party tonight. I was wondering if you could house-sit for me. I'd hate for no one to be there to give those cute little kids candy.
Sally: Why?
Mary: Because, otherwise, the little brats egg your house and cover your trees with toilet paper.
Sally: Sure, Albright. A beautiful woman like me has no plans on Halloween.
Mary: I'm so sorry. What was I thinking?
Sally: No, I mean it. I actually have nothing to do.
Mary: Oh, thank you so much.

Nina: Dr. Solomon, if you don't get your physical, they're gonna hold your paychecks until you do.
Dick: Oh, oh, Nina. Of course, I'll go. I'm looking forward to it.
Nina: That's better.
Dick: Come with me, Nina. Please! I can't face the doctor alone.
Nina: What are you afraid of?
Dick: Oh, I don't know. Ever since I went there, I'm scared of everything. Come with me, please!
Nina: Me? Why don't you ask Dr. Albright?
Dick: Mary? Seeing me naked and vulnerable, quivering with fear? Oh, ho, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Nina: Well, why do I have to get the satisfaction?

Harry: [eats half a candy] No poison in that one. [puts it back in the bowl and eat half of another] More raisins than I care for, but there's no crime in that.