Dick: Sally, I've made such a mistake. I thought all this technology would help me wrap my arms around humankind. But I was wrong. All it gave me was a raging case of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Tommy: So what about being connected to the world wide web?
Dick: I wasn't connected to anything. I was separated. And that's not what we came to this planet for. That's what technology does. Technology is evil!
Tommy: Dick, just because you went nuts, that doesn't mean that all technology is evil.
Dick: Of course it does.
Sally: What about, uh... medical technology?
Dick: Medical technology is okay.
Tommy: Okay, uh, what about the computers that make sure airplanes don't crash?
Dick: Those I like. But that's it.
Harry: Well, what about the machine that puts the creamy filling in the cupcakes?
Dick: Harry, no! I've already drawn the line. Oh... who am I kidding? I'm not gonna manually inject cream into my own cupcakes.

Dick: Oh, my God, it's so little. I could just sit down and rest it right here on my, uh... Uh, thigh shelf.
Salesman: Uh, now, all you do to clear the screen-
Dick: Uh, that much I know. I have something similar to this at home. [shakes laptop]

Sally: Okay, you guys. Check it out. Four-head VHS, auto-tracking deliciousness.
Tommy: 525 lines of resolution.
Sally: Ooh, yeah! However, it says here that this VCR only has 250 lines.
Tommy: What are you saying?
Sally: Nothing.
Tommy: A- Are you saying that these colors could be more vibrant?
Alissa: This looks good to me.
Sally: I am saying, Tommy, that if we went digital, we'd get the most out of our bitchin' TV.
Tommy: So it would really be a waste of money not to.
Alissa: This really looks fine.
Sally: It's horrible!
Tommy: Pack it up. This piece of crap's going back.

[Dick's students watch a live stream of Dick on the "Planet Solomon" website:]
Dick: And so you see, that by utilizing a viscous barrier, we minimize bonding between any two substances. Now, you understand friction, and I have a nice omelet. Any questions?
Bug: Um... why are you on a computer?
Dick: My actual presence is no longer necessary in the learning process. This is my new live webcam at www.PlanetSolomon.com. It's on me 24 hours a day. Now, anybody can log on. You can watch me do almost everything. And, uh, for a small fee... everything.

Dick: How am I gonna get my grades out of this?
Mary: They're not on the disk?
Dick: The disk?
Mary: Oh, my God. You know, in three years, I have never seen you use your computer. It's your dirty little secret, isn't it? You're a physics professor who's computer illiterate.
Dick: I am not.
Mary: Well, fine, fine. But if you ever need my help, I - an anthropology professor - will teach you a physics professor how to open a file with your mouse. [laughs]

[Dick is rolling the computer mouse across his head]
Sally: Dick, what are you doing?
Dick: I-I'm just, uh, working on my computer.
Tommy: It's not even on.
Dick: Yes, it is.
Sally: No, it's not.
Dick: Yeah, I-it's just, uh, warming up.
Tommy: You don't know how to use a computer!
Dick: Shut up!
Sally: Oh, he has no idea!
Dick: I am a superior being. I came to Earth on a spaceship that could fit in my pants. What am I supposed to do with technology so backwards it can't even read your thought waves?

Vicki Dubcek: Get away from that TV.
Harry: Why?
Vicki Dubcek: The electromagnetic field can wreak havoc on your... swim team.

Tommy: Digitally remastered.
Sally: Yeah. The resolution of this DVD is so good, it's almost a shame to watch them on a smallish TV. It's like lookin' at the Mona Lisa while someone's jabbing a stick in your eye.
Alissa: Is it that bad?
Sally: We need a new TV!
Tommy: Pack it up. This piece of crap is goin' back.

Tommy: Man, we did it. We have the ultimate home theater system!
Sally: Yeah!
Tommy: Yeah!
Alissa: Excuse me, how much did all of this cost?
Sally: "How much did it cost"? No money down, baby. That's how much it cost.
Alissa: How much will it cost?
Tommy: No payments till the fourth of July.
Sally: Uh-huh!
Alissa: Then how much will it cost?
Sally: [pulls out receipts] $45,000.
Tommy: Pack it up. This piece of crap's going back.

Dick: Oh, Nina, good. I need my grade reports by tomorrow morning, or the registrar is gonna use my ass as a tetherball.
Nina: Oh, I gotta run. I left the reports on your computer.
Dick: [places hand on top of monitor] I don't see them.
Nina: They're on your computer.
Dick: Nina, don't jerk me around.
Mary: I think what she means is that the grades might actually be in the computer.