Dick: "When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles, and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle." This man is a genius!

Dick: Sally, you're smiling. You're fixed.
Sally: No, Dick, I'm not fixed because I was never broken. I'm supposed to be this way. I'm a woman.
Dick: Yes, and...?
Sally: Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?
Dick: I don't know.
Sally: Exactly. And do you feel the urge to have an eight-pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?
Dick: No, I think I can do without that.
Sally: You see, here, you and I are completely different life-forms, and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet.
Dick: You know, I've been thinking about your assignment. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, making you the woman.
Sally: I'm all right. I can handle the mood swings, the emotional issues, the catcalls, the punitive underwear, because, frankly, when I think of the alternative... [looks Dick up and down] I just have to laugh.

Harry: Dick, I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. [holds up wine cooler] Could somebody please call 1-1-6?

Dick: Can't you just take her out tonight and talk to her? You don't have to go alone. I'm sure Nina would be happy to join you.
Nina: Ooh, I'm sorry, tonight's the night I'm having my eyes gouged out.
Dick: Can't you reschedule it?

Mary: I once dated this chemistry professor, Dr. Abrams.
Nina: Oh, god, she's starting with the A's.
Mary: He invited me to portage lakes for a romantic weekend, and then just never showed up.
Sally: Did you kill him?
Mary: No, no. I don't believe in violence. Violence doesn't do you any good. However, a gas tank full of sugar and a flaming bag of dog poop will.
Sally: And you take that orally?

Nina: See, Sally, you are not the problem. Guys are jerks. You're just never gonna find the perfect man.
Mary: Yeah, the perfect man would have Bill Gates' money, Jimmy Smits' ass, Liam Neeson's shoulders, Michael Jordan's thighs...
Nina: And we need a brain.
Mary: [scoffs] No, we don't.
Nina: Yeah, you're right, then he'd think like a man.

Sally: Mother earth.
Dick: Father time.
Sally: Lady luck.
Dick: Gentleman's Quarterly.
Sally: Daughters of the American revolution.
Dick: Son of Kong.
Sally: Fairy godmother.
Dick: The godfather of soul.
Sally: Mississippi.
Dick: Mr. Sippi.

Harry: Oh, Dick, I've thought of a job for myself. I can catalog the dangers that surround us on this planet. For example, getting your fingers crushed in a car door. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Dick: [reading the bible] Why are you listening to the serpent? Don't eat the fruit. Don't eat the fruit. [sighs] Women.

Tommy: Oh, I've been there and there, and I've been there.
Harry: Wow! The long, boring stories you must have.
Dick: Well, I have another destination for you, Tommy, high school.
Tommy: Why? I finished my education when you were nothing but a snot-nosed gas ball.