Don: I'm here on official police business. I was going over your accident report, and I noticed you didn't fill out your insurance info.
Dick: Oh, that's because I don't have any insurance.
Don: But, Dick, that's just plain crazy! You have to have insurance.
Dick: Why? It's just a bet against myself. The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.
Don: You know, Dick, you have a good point. I don't even know why I'm here. Oh, wait, I know why I'm here because it's the law!
Dick: No, it's not.
Don: Yes, it is.
Dick: No, it's not.
Don: Yes, it is.
Dick: Well, I subscribe to nature's law. The industrious beaver doesn't insure his dam, does he? No! He rolls the dice and if a flood should strike, he smiles his toothed grin, slaps his tail upon the water, and flies away!
Don: I'm just gonna put down State Farm.

Sally: Man, you guys remember when we first saw this thing? We laughed so hard. What a primitive form of transportation.
Tommy: It's so loud.
Dick: So uncomfortable.
Harry: And slow.
Tommy: I mean, moving parts? Come on!
Dick: But then the first time we took a drive, wow. The wind in our hair.
Sally: The rain in our hair.
Tommy: The snow in our hair.
Harry: And then we learned about the top.

Dick: So, what do you think?
Mary: About what?
Dick: My rental car. Isn't it great?
Nina: Not really.
Dick: Not really? Nina, just watch what this baby can do. [starts car]
Nina: What?
Dick: It started right up. And listen to this. It's called FM radio. There's jazz, or rock or my personal favorite, Latin salsa. [salsa music plays]
Mary: All cars have that.
Dick: Well, not the Rambler. If I'd known what an antiquated piece of crap that car was, I would've crashed it years ago. Oh, and, uh, speaking of crap... I just noticed a little something on my windshield. Gee, I wish there was some way I could get rid of that. Wait a second, what's this? Will you look at that? Blue juice at the touch of a button. Now, tell me that's not damn cool.

George: All right. Your total is $4,955.
Tommy: What? $4,955?
George: There was significant damage.
Sally: Well, I think if we try really hard, we can get this number down just a little bit. Look at this: "replace crankshaft"? Do we really need that?
George: If you want the car to go.
Tommy: Okay, but right here, uh, "new brake lines front and rear." Can't we just go with one or the other?
George: Not if you want the car to stop.

Harry: Wow "loss of any limb, $5,000"? Hmm. So... if I lost a foot, um, do I get credit for the toes, too?
Gary: $200 per digit.
Harry: Wow! That's a nice little nest egg.
Gary: That's if they get cut off.
Harry: When they get cut off.

Sally: You have got to stop calling him.
Harry: I just need to talk to him. I don't get it. Everything was going so great. Why won't he call me?
Sally: Oh, for God's sake. Sit down, Harry! There's only one way to get a man to call you back. You don't call him. You don't write him. You don't even think about him. You have moved on.
Harry: I've moved on.
Sally: You don't care if he calls.
Harry: I don't give a lick.
Sally: You make him come to you.
Harry: He comes to me.
Sally: Because if he calls you back, Harry... he's yours forever. But... if he doesn't he was never your insurance agent to begin with. [hugs Harry]

Dick: I- I don't know how this could've happened. It- It just came out of nowhere.
Don: Dick, those tire tracks tell a different story. It looks like you drove off the road and straight into this tree.
Dick: Well, that tree must be new because I've driven off this road several times, and I never hit it once.
Don: Were you distracted, maybe take your eyes off the road?
Dick: No.
Mary: He was ordering a pizza.
Dick: Mary, please. That's the whiplash talking. [arguing over each other]
Don: Well, in any case! An accident report has to be filed. It's just a good thing you aren't drunk, Dick, because that would be... a lot more paperwork!

Gary: This car's been in an accident.
Dick: You bet. Why else would I want insurance?
Gary: No. You have to buy the insurance before the accident.
Dick: Say again?
Gary: You have to buy the insurance before the accident.
Dick: Oh, I see. So that's how this little scam of yours works.
Gary: No. It's-
Dick: You people are the worst kind of scum, you know that? Now, if you'll excuse me, Gary, I have to get back to my respectable job! Try finding another sucker. Good day, sir. [pulls door handle off] Well, I'm screwed.
Gary: Well, uh, maybe you should rent a car.
Dick: Oh. And I suppose if I had insurance, you'd pay for that, too.
Gary: Yeah, we would.
Dick: Good day, sir!

Dick: [on phone] Hi, Sally. It's me. Dick. I'm in the car. I'm on the new cellular, silly. Yeah. So, what are you guys doing? [squealing tires] TV? Oh, what's on? Oh, that's my favorite show! I tell you what, put the phone up to the TV.
Mary: Uh, Dick, watch the road.
Dick: Oh, Sally, hang on. Do you wanna eat pizza tonight? No, no, I'll call 'em. I've got a coupon in my wallet. Yeah. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
Mary: Dick, you drive. I- I'll call in the order.
Dick: Now, where's that coupon?
Mary: Oh, here, I'll get the coupon. I'll get the coupon- [Dick giggles as Mary reaches into his pockets] Can't you just order a pizza when we get home?
Dick: Oh, here it is. Here, now. You see, Mary? Everything's fine and we'll have nice hot piping pizza when we get...
Mary: Di-I-ick! [crash]

Dick: Well there it is, gang.
Sally: Oh, my god, Dick, what the hell did you do?
Tommy: How are we gonna get groceries?
Harry: Yeah! Or tow each other around the block on skateboards?
Dick: Come on, just be thankful I wasn't killed!
Sally: You're right. 'Cause then we'd have to find a ride to your funeral 'cause you wrecked our freakin' car!