Dick: Where am I? And what's going on?
Mary: You lied so much, you passed out.
Dick: Mary, it's true. I'm the High Commander of an exploratory mission that came to Earth six years ago to study mankind.
Mary: Does your family know about this?
Dick: We're not a family. We're a unit. Tommy is the information officer. Sally is the security officer. And Harry has an enormous transmitter in his head.
Mary: Oh, that's impossible! Except for the Harry part.
Dick: Open your mind. Think about everything you don't know about me. And then think about everything you do know. Think about how every single time something happens, it's like I'm learning it for the first time... like a child. Mary, think about our entire six year relationship knowing that I'm an alien.
Mary: [smiles] [looks horrified] [looks angry] [looks sad] [smiles] You are an alien.
Dick: Yes.
Mary: Why didn't I see this before?
Dick: Because you're only human.

Mary: I think there might be something wrong with Dick. [Nina and Judith are silent] I think I might be in danger.
Judith: I think she's ready for the talk.
Nina: We've always been suspicious of Dr. Solomon. Secretive about his past, speaks many languages, pretends not to understand anything.
Mary: What are you saying? He has another identity?
Nina: Yes. I think "stupid college professor" is just a front. I think he's a stupid international terrorist.

Judith: Face facts, Mary. Dick Solomon fits the classic profile of a serial killer.
Mary: A serial killer?
Judith: Moody, high forehead, lives in an old lady's attic. Only one piece of the puzzle missing: your head in a box.

Mary: Dick, I think you've been hiding something from me, and I think you've been hiding it from me for six years.
Dick: Oh, what makes you say that?
Mary: I saw you turn a man into a monkey!
Dick: Actually, it was a chimpanzee. And it never happened.
Mary: That's it! No more covers! No more lies! I don't know who you are! I don't know what you are! All I know is that I- I can't see you anymore. Good-bye, Dick.
Dick: Mary, wait! Okay. [closes door] Look, I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time. This is hard. I want to make sure I say it right.
Mary: It's okay.
Dick: Mary, I'm-- What rhymes with "shmalien"?
Mary: Oh, forget it!
Dick: Mary, I, Dick Solomon, am an alien. From outer space. [collapses]

Sally: Okay, damage control, you guys. We have to normalize the situation.
Dick: But how?
Sally: What if we chimpify everyone in... say, the Ukraine? We tell Albright that Liam is Ukrainian.
Harry: Yeah. And it finally caught up with him.
Dick: Yeah! It's settled! Tonight, we fly to Kiev.
Sally: Wait, wait. That's, like, a 12-hour flight.
Dick: Yeah, and you have to connect through Warsaw. It's a bitch.
Harry: Mmm, yeah. Once you get there, you lost the whole day.
Sally: Ooh, I have a better idea! Why don't you just deny it and then act like it never happened?
Dick: That's right. Deny. Good idea. And we have a kick-ass Ukrainian Plan B.

Mary: Aw, I can't believe I'm- If I told my mother I was dating an alien, it would kill her. Dick, let's call her.
Dick: No! No, no, no, no! Mary, no! It's a secret.
Mary: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so excited. I have so many questions.
Dick: Well, go ahead.
Mary: Did you build the pyramids?
Dick: Only the one in Las Vegas.
Mary: What about Easter Island?
Dick: Easter Island was a practical joke that got out of hand.
Mary: [laughs] I can't believe my boyfriend's an alien! Dick, on your planet, how do you do it?
Dick: Well, it's... It's similar to Earth. Typically, you launch a protoplasm capsule into your partner's receptor port, and then wait for a an impact summary.
Mary: Take me, spaceman!

Harry: You know, I'll tell you something interesting about- [voice quavers] Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. The Big Giant Head sends congratulations on a job well done.
Dick: Nice.
Harry: And notice of your mission's imminent cancellation.
Dick: Cancellation?
Harry: An inter-alien complaint has been lodged by Liam Neesam. As you know, the use of a weapon against another alien is a mission violation.
Dick: He was gonna turn us into chimps! He did it first!
Harry: It doesn't matter who started it! The Big Giant Head is telling you: The mission is over.
Sally: Over?
Dick: No!
Harry: Yes! And that's final. You must leave by Saturday at midnight, when your earth bodies will expire. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [sneezes] What happened?
Sally: We have to go home.

Dick: Hello, Mary. What are you doing at my desk?
Mary: I'm looking for some information about you.
Dick: About me? What's to know?
Mary: Dick, why don't you ever talk about your childhood? How come I've never met your parents?
Dick: Well, I told them all about you, Mary, and they didn't want to meet you.
Mary: Well, what are their names? Where- Where are their pictures, some mementos?
Dick: Uh, well okay, Mary. Uh, this is my father's lucky one-dollar bill. And, um and this pencil was given to my mother by Babe Ruth. See his number? Number two. [Mary breaks pencil] Hey! I was gonna pass that on to my son, when I had one!
Mary: You have a son! Tommy.
Dick: Oh. Right.

Mary: Dick? When you came to Earth was I your first?
Dick: Uh, no. I was. But you were a very distant second.

Harry: So check it out, Doobie. I got two of everything. For the twins.
Mrs. Dubcek: I once dated twins. It was so confusing, especially when they dress alike.
Harry: Twins dress alike?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, these did. They were the Minnesota Twins.