Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: [gasps] Please, Dr. Albright! We barely know each other.

Harry: Dick? I can't see through my eyelids.
Sally: Open them.
Harry: Oh! They're manual.

Mary: What is my thesis doing out of my desk?
Dick: I took it out.
Mary: My desk was locked.
Dick: Which made it very difficult to open. You might want to make a note of that.
Mary: You read it?
Dick: Read it? I memorized it.
Mary: Well, it's just a few thoughts.
Dick: A few brilliant thoughts.
Mary: Really? Well, that's quite a compliment coming from someone with your credentials. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Dick: Enjoyed it? It's the funniest thing I've ever read. Your theory on "man and the animal within," it's hilarious. Nina said you had no sense of humor. She is so wrong. The conclusions that you draw are laugh-out-loud funny. [laughs]

Dick: Someone else. Yes, Leon. Well, come on, Leon. Speak up.
Leon: No, never mind. I had this idea, but it's wrong.
Dick: Oh, Leon, of course it's wrong. I mean, the odds against your being right are staggering! You have a great advantage. You know the outcome. You will be wrong. Don't fear it. Embrace your wrongness. Leon, how far away is Cleveland?
Leon: Cleveland is an eternity away if your heart is there.
Dick: Leon, that is so provocative. Where Cleveland equals "p" and eternity equals "q," transposing the logarithm of the heart, where the heart is an unknown, we find that we are forever in Cleveland. No, I'm sorry, Leon. You're wrong.

Dick: Dr. Albright, I have a scientific proposition. I have hidden a $100 bill somewhere on my body. Find it and it's yours.
Mary: You're unbelievable.
Dick: I'll give you a hint - it's not in a pocket. Aren't you even going to try?
Mary: You're coming on to me.
Dick: I have no idea what that means.
Mary: It's all right. It's in my thesis. It's basic animal attraction. We all have the animal within. Some are one swing closer to the tree. I've see you preen and strut around the office. [applies lipstick] I admit... I like it.
Dick: Are you planning to do something important with your mouth tonight? Because you've painted it bright red.
Mary: This always happens. Dr. Erdman had a thing for me. Dr. Wallach, Dr. Zucker, Dr. Thomas, oh, the guy from Cornell who was here for a week. That was insane.
Dick: E-excuse me. I have a sudden urge to clean you. [grabs Mary's face and kisses her] [Mary slaps Dick and then grabs his face and kisses him] [Dick slaps Mary] [Mary slaps Dick] [Dick slaps Mary again]
Mary: Ooh!
[When Dick hears water running, he opens the shower curtain to find Harry standing in the bath tub fully-clothed]
Harry: [holding flashlight] Oh, Dr. Albright. I was just thinking of you.

Dick: Everyone fully formed?
Sally: Uh-huh.
Harry: Yeah.
Dick: Everyone got 10 fingers and 11 toes?
Sally, Harry & Tommy: Check.
Dick: Good. I guess we're in. Everyone comfortable?
Harry: Um, I have three holes in my face.
Dick: Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear?
All: No.
Dick: Then how are you supposed to lick your back?
Tommy: Maybe you do what they're doing?
Dick: Look. Life-forms, and they're cleaning each other.

Sally: Look at us. I can't believe we look like them. [all chuckle] Is anybody else sweating under their breasts?
Dick: No. In fact, I don't have any.
Harry: I have tiny ones.

Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball, and they were all jumping up and down, up and down in these little shorts. And some can't jump as high as the others, but I mean, it's okay. It's more than okay. It's really okay. I mean-
Dick: What is wrong with you?
Tommy: I don't know.
Dick: Well, we can't leave without that information. So access the mainframe, enter the net, download, and then go straight home as soon as you're finished.
Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
Dick: You are a child.
Tommy: I'm older than you.
Dick: Well, now I'm bigger, and on this planet size matters.

Nina: Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Ah, Nina.
Nina: Here's your mail. This is nothing. Nothing. This is something, but there's nothing you can do about it. This is an invitation to a party at the Dean's house. This is nothing. [to Tommy] And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching, you're gonna lose something.

Mary: I see. Dr. Solomon, you have crossed a line. You have belittled my work, and you hurt my feelings. I don't like you.
Dick: I don't understand.
Mary: Of course you don't. You're a man.
Dick: Ha! That's where you're wrong!