Janet: I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.
Chidi: She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...
Eleanor: Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?
Janet: No.
Eleanor: Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.
Janet: That's correct.
Eleanor: Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.
Janet: Yes, you were.

Michael: Hello, Chidi. No frozen yogurt for you this morning?
Chidi: Oh, uh, no, just, uh, doing some reading.
Janet: Ugh, been there, brother. Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right? Hump day.
Michael: Uh, sorry. Janet's functioning as my assistant, but she's a little stiff, so I've been trying to get her to be a little more casual and conversational.
Janet: I'll have what she's having.
Michael: It's a work in progress.

Michael: Look, Chidi, I'm just trying to find you a hobby - the hat - that will bring you a positive experience. What do you say?
Janet: [puts a fedora on Chidi] I'm loving that hat on you. It would look even better on my floor.
Chidi: What is happening now?
Michael: I suggested she be friendlier; she seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.
Janet: I got something you can slip into.
Chidi: Oh.
Michael: Janet, no! No, Janet.

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Jason: Girl.
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight up hottie.
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Jason: Any of us could have ever asked for.
Janet: Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches.
Eleanor: Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech. Okay. Cool.

Janet: Ooh, hey, you know what you would love if you like Mark Harmon?
Judge: Yeah?
Janet: Stealing Home. He is very sexy in Stealing Home according to the private thoughts of more than 7 million Caucasian women.
Judge: Oh, hot tip. Thanks, girl.

Michael: Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
Janet: That's a Neutral Janet. She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet world. Or blank sheep, I guess. Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool.
Neutral Janet: You've arrived at the Accounting Office. All point calculations for actions taken on Earth are made here. End of conversation.
Michael: My name is Michael. I need to speak with the Head Accountant on official Good Place business.
Neutral Janet: I will inform the Head Accountant of your presence, and he either will or will not see you in a certain amount of time. End of conversation.
Michael: Wow. Good thing your void plan worked out, huh?
Janet: [burps] ♫ Believe in life after love? ♫ [speaks] Oh, having four humans in my void is weird.

Eleanor: Janet, can I use the simulator? There's a very specific Lenny Kravitz concert I wanna be front row at.
Janet: Sure. FYI, when the system boots up, you might find yourself in a steam room with Jason, who will be wearing an old-timey strongman onesie. It's a... bug in the system.

Eleanor: Um, Janet, I need... Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?
Janet: It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?
Eleanor: No. No, no, no, not porn. I, um... I need clothes like yours and Chidi's with the stripes.
Janet: There you go.

Jason: Hey, Janet. You look sad.
Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.
Jason: That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks.

Michael: After the very first time you were rebooted, and as you were slowly regaining your knowledge, you bonded with Jason. The two of you got married, and I think, somehow, you're still, deep down, in love with him.
Janet: Ha! No, that is impossible.
Michael: Think logically. When was the first glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couples therapy.
Michael: And the second glitch?
Janet: When I said I was happy to see them embracing.
Michael: And the third glitch... the earthquake?
Janet: When I said I was happy that I'd helped improve their relationship. Ohh... nuts.
Michael: Yeah.
Janet: But I am happy for them. I am. I am. Am I? I am. I am not. I am not. I am not that. I am not happy for them. [gasps]