Michael: Ooh, hey, what happened with Chidi and where's Eleanor? This... this... this is all moving too fast!
Janet: Can we just take Trevor out? I don't know if he can die, but I could drop a steamroller on his head. Oh, darn it! I can't summon things! I guess I could kick him with my soft feet? Earth sucks!

Cashier: G'day, how can I help you?
Michael: One scratch-off lottery ticket, please!
Janet: Oh! Not that one. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. [quietly to Michael] These tickets were printed before we got down here. I know which ones are the winners! [to the cashier] And... stop! That's the one. Good ol' lucky number 186 from the bottom!
Cashier: Here you go.
Janet: Also! That bathroom key that you lost nine months ago, slid under the register. And the woman that you think is your aunt is actually your mum. OK, bye!

Eleanor: Hi, Janet. Can you just, you know, like, tell me the answer?
Janet: Sorry?
Eleanor: You know, the answer to everything. You know all there is to know in the universe. Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer. What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the answer.
Janet: I know how you feel. Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason have no recognition of me. It felt like... right before someone pushes a plunger and murders you.
Eleanor: Sure.
Janet: The more human I become, the less things make sense. But that's part of the fun, right?
Eleanor: What do you mean?
Janet: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria. In all this randomness and this pandemonium, you and Chidi found each other, and you had a life together. Isn't that remarkable?

Tahani: Janet, darling?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: Oh, you dyed your hair.
Janet: I did. After I broke up with Jason, I researched how humans cope with relationships ending, and number eight on the list was doing something dumb with your hair. Number 42 was watch Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, so I did that, too. It was okay. It's just a lot of the same songs as the first one.

Jason: Okay, Janet, where do you want to go for your funeral? Dave and Buster's, probably? You probably want to go to Dave and Buster's. I think I heard her say Dave and Buster's, so let's just go there. We can sort it out later.
Janet: It's nice that you want to honor me, but... you've already given me so much. Tahani taught me that you can make a family, even if you never really had one. Jason taught me I have value beyond what I do for other people. And Eleanor... there was a moment on Earth when all hope was lost, and I watched you have hope anyway. Just thinking about that makes me want to barf up a beautiful quasar.
Tahani: Well said, Janet.

Judge: Ugh. Bad Janet voids are the worst. Music off! [music turns up] Oh, right, I forgot. Make it louder!
Janet: What if you start humanity over from scratch, and humans evolve over millions of years and they end up worse? What if they invent rap-rock sooner, and it becomes the only kind of music? Do you really want to oversee an entire world of Limp Bizkits run by Emperor Kid Rock?

Tahani: [to Michael] It's obvious what's going on here. You don't want your nemesis to be the one to solve your problem.
Janet: I know that feeling. Once, on Earth, I didn't know something, and I had to ask Alexa. I felt dirty.

Janet: This program knows everything about your personality Simone's personality, and all human relationships. It can't tell you exactly what will happen, but it will approximate Simone's reaction to anything you say to her. Plus... it has Tetris.
Eleanor: Hmm. Would this work with, say, me, and, say, uh, Jason Statham, and uh, instead of a cafe, it was, say, a room with a futon and a bunch of Red Bull?
Janet: Why is it that every time a new thing is invented humans immediately try to use it for porn?
Eleanor: Because we're disgusting.
Janet: Huh.

Tahani: Eleanor, hello. How are you, my dear, sweet bestie?
Eleanor: Never better. What's up?
Michael: Well, Janet has been acting as my assistant. It's not what she was designed to do. Didn't go great.
Janet: But now I'm back to normal. It turns out that the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
Michael: She was feeling a little lost, so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.

Janet: Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?
Michael: Yes. Why?
Janet: Every time a Janet is rebooted, she increases her social awareness and abilities. I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe.
[Janet pats her head and rubs her belly]