Murray: Divorced! The woman is divorced!
Adam: Oh. Yeah, I know.
Beverly: That harpy told you about her broken marriage?
Adam: No, I kinda figured it out when her dad lived in a different house.
Murray: Without his family? Is he ever not smiling?

Pops: Beverly, the boy deserves the truth. Think about where our people came from.
Adam: I-I thought we came from Abington.
Pops: Murray, please. Jump in any time.
Murray: Well, as you know, I'm not much of a jumper.
Pops: Oh!
Murray: But the boy's turning 12. I figure it's about time.
Adam: I'm a senior in high school, and time for what?
Murray: Here.
Beverly: Murray, no. Not the box of harsh realities.
Murray: Your mom kept those movies away from you, and for the record, I was against it until she made the most convincing pot roast.
Beverly: It's too much too fast. You're gonna short-circuit his innocent little brain.
Murray: We're gonna deal with it the way my dad taught me how to swim. He threw me in the deep end and then went inside to play canasta.
Pops: That may not be a good example.

Adam: But think of your children who've never seen the world. The closest I've been to another country is that Chinese buffet place that also serves pizza.
Murray: Yeah, I like my bathroom here, where I know where all the levers and papers are at.
Barry: You're a piece of garbage!
Adam: I wish anyone else was my father!
Murray: How many times do I have to tell you? What you think of me as a man does not matter to me.

Murray: You're telling me I don't have to go on a beach excursion or some Mayan ruins? And there's premium cable? Hoo-hoo!
Beverly: What kind of grump would enjoy a trip where he's cooped up in a cabin the whole time?
Pop-Pop: Hey, you hear the good news?
Murray: HBO!
Pop-Pop: Yeah, now it's really Hanukkah, huh?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica and Geoff were butting heads, my dad and Pop-Pop were bonding over their mutual love of the great indoors. They watched TV.
Murray: Man, I love being out on the ocean.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] They sampled the ship's cuisine.
Pop-Pop: You're right, Mur. They let the old folks cut in line.
Murray: What's in the bag?
Pop-Pop: Oh, bacon bits. I'm taking some of these home.
Murray: Smart.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Sometimes a white lie can solve a problem. And other times, all you need is the truth.
Pop-Pop: Can I sit?
Murray: Why? So you can pretend to be my dad so I'll give you money?
Pop-Pop: All right, fine. I'm a jerk.
Murray: We're on the same page.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, let me finish. I'm a jerk, so people don't stick around. See, I thought that was okay. But I'm getting older. The other day, I couldn't get my groceries upstairs, and I figured no one's gonna help me. Why would they?
Murray: So, you took me on this cruise so I'd give you money? For what?
Pop-Pop: I don't know. Maybe a nurse? Or someplace that has bars in the shower? I don't know. It's all terrible.
M;What's terrible is that you think you have to bribe me to take care of you.
Pop-Pop: What do you mean? Y-You'd do it for nothing?
Murray: Of course I will. You're my father.
Pop-Pop: Thank you. And now, uh, not for nothing, I enjoyed myself on this tub, uh, with you.
Murray: We had some moments.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, we did.

Adam: I'll script the whole thing! It'll be a night full of danger, dialogue, and distrust!
Murray: Can you guys keep it down? I'm watching Dukes of Hazzard.
Adam: Dad, we're planning a murder-mystery party. It's gonna be fun.
Murray: Fun? N-No thank you.
Beverly: Look at me. We're doing this.
Murray: Look at me. Over my dead body.
Adam: Yes! He can be the dead body.
Murray: Sounds like too much work.
Adam: This is the perfect amount of work for you. You just have to exist.
Murray: 'Cause movement of any kind is a deal breaker.
Adam: I'll murder you quick. I promise.
Murray: Fine.
Beverly: Yay! Murray's kinda in. A Goldbergs murder-mystery party. How have we not done this? Yay!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica was spinning out, our murder-mystery party was revving up.
Adam: Places, everyone! The suspects are arriving soon. [breathes deeply] Is there anything better than opening night?
Murray: Yes, the end of the night, when we close the door.
Adam: Dad, where's the rest of your costume?
Murray: I came up with some new backstory for my character. He doesn't care.
Adam: But I do. Put some cloth between my eyes and that.
Murray: I don't take notes.
Beverly: Murray, your murder kicks off the entire night. Put these on now.
Murray: What I do for you people.

Adam: You are all about to embark on a two-hour grand mystery full of scripted twists and turns, ending in... murder! [all exclaim] Your weapons are served.
Murray: Speaking of, did, uh, Bill kill me yet?
Beverly: Murray!
Murray: I'm sorry. Has Dr. Prune killed me?
Beverly: No, you just blew the ending!
Murray: Well, maybe nobody heard me.
Essie Karp: I've heard every sound that's come out of your body tonight.
Adam: It's okay. We still don't know where Dr. Prune killed him or with what.
Murray: There ya go. We'll just forget the basement and pick a new spot.
Adam: Stop talking!
Murray: Yeah, don't even need to use the ice skate.
Beverly: Oh, my God!
Virginia Kremp: So it was Dr. Prune in the basement with the ice skate. Well, that was a fun evening. Can I drop anyone off?

Beverly: Wait. Y-You all had a good time?
Linda Schwartz: Big time.
Dolores: So much.
Mr. Glascott: I need all your numbers.
Virginia Kremp: My coat is still ruined.
Beverly: But why? Why did you do this?
Murray: I guess I just felt bad that I screwed up your big night.
Beverly: That is the sweetest thing you have ever done for me.
Murray: Really?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] For the ones you love, you got to step out of your comfort zone, even when all you can do is own up to your mistakes.