Beverly: Murray, where are you going?
Murray: I gotta find a lifeboat.
Beverly: You're gonna get in a tiny boat in the middle of the Labrador Sea? What are you gonna eat?
Murray: I'm sure on the lifeboat, there's provisions and whatnot. Biscuits.
Beverly: Biscuits? What about protein? You know how you get when you don't eat your meats.
Murray: That is why I stole a butter knife from the buffet. Those fish come swimming by... Boom! Surprise!
Beverly: You hate sushi.
Murray: There's a flare gun on that lifeboat. I'll cook 'em up!
Beverly: What about polar bears?
Murray: We're back to the butter knife.
Beverly: You couldn't chase a possum out from under the house. How are you gonna kill a polar bear with a butter knife?
Murray: With pure adrenaline and the will to survive!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, a cruise was everyone's dream vacation. It was the best game show prize. A floating luxury hotel. And it was the only vacation with its own theme song.
Kathie Lee Gifford: [on TV] ♪ If they could see you now ♪
Beverly, Barry & Adam: ♪ Out on a Fun Ship cruise ♪ ♪ Eating fancy food and doing what you choose ♪ ♪ All I can say is wow ♪ ♪ Hey, look at where you are ♪ ♪ Tonight we're living... Pow! ♪ ♪ Just like a movie star ♪ ♪ What a fun ship, holy cow ♪ ♪ They'd never believe it ♪ ♪ If your friends could see you now ♪
Pop-Pop: Why is this peppy broad all in my face?
Murray: She never stops moving. She's like a lady Chihuahua.
Barry: That's the vivacious Kathie Lee Gifford, whose energy and spunk knows no bounds. She's basically me if I were a sassy redhead.
Beverly: Well, the best part is she's singing about making her horrible land-bound friends jealous. That's exactly what I would do.
Murray: Being trapped on a floating motel is not my idea of a vacation.
Barry: Once you get into international waters, the laws of man no longer apply. You can jaywalk or violate federal copyrights. We'll see who's boss now, Mickey Mouse.
Adam: None of that's right.

Adam: But think of your children who've never seen the world. The closest I've been to another country is that Chinese buffet place that also serves pizza.
Murray: Yeah, I like my bathroom here, where I know where all the levers and papers are at.
Barry: You're a piece of garbage!
Adam: I wish anyone else was my father!
Murray: How many times do I have to tell you? What you think of me as a man does not matter to me.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Hanukkah, 1980-something, and Erica was spending her first holiday with the Schwartzes.
Geoff: I really appreciate you still coming to my folks' house. I know it's a big sacrifice to give up the family cruise.
Erica: Geoff, I'm thrilled to be here.
Geoff: Aww.
Erica: Because I would rather eat my fingers and toes than be stuck on a boat with my family for a week.
Geoff: Gonna walk back that aww.
Erica: I'm just excited to have a normal holiday without family drama.
Geoff: Normal is one thing that the Schwartzes do well. That and Boggle.
Erica: I keep forgetting that normal and boring mean the same thing.

Adam: Man, what are we gonna do first?
Barry: First, I need you to back away from me, okay? I don't want your Brea Bee relationship musk spoiling my newly single pheromones.
Adam: Pheromones? Is that why your shirt is glistening like a dog at the beach?
Barry: Nah. I pre-oiled my body. I don't want the honeys seeing me ungreased, but I also gotta be ready to pop this top off at a moment's notice.
Adam: I don't know, Bar. I think you might be still getting over Ren, and maybe you shouldn't hang all your self-worth on a random boat gal.
Barry: Opposite. Who I stroll the lido deck with literally means everything. Everything.

Barry: [boat horn blows] Quick! Exit the gangway!
Beverly: No, we have to make this work for the sake of Dad and Pop-Pop's relationship.
Barry: But all I brought were my flip-flops and a change of latitude.
Beverly: Take my credit card, go buy us some coats and sweatshirts in the gift shop.
Barry: Nice. I'll buy gum and not tell you.

Murray: You're telling me I don't have to go on a beach excursion or some Mayan ruins? And there's premium cable? Hoo-hoo!
Beverly: What kind of grump would enjoy a trip where he's cooped up in a cabin the whole time?
Pop-Pop: Hey, you hear the good news?
Murray: HBO!
Pop-Pop: Yeah, now it's really Hanukkah, huh?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica and Geoff were butting heads, my dad and Pop-Pop were bonding over their mutual love of the great indoors. They watched TV.
Murray: Man, I love being out on the ocean.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] They sampled the ship's cuisine.
Pop-Pop: You're right, Mur. They let the old folks cut in line.
Murray: What's in the bag?
Pop-Pop: Oh, bacon bits. I'm taking some of these home.
Murray: Smart.

Bingo Caller: I've got a joke for this square, but let me know if you've heard it B-4.
Barry: Oh, my God.
Adam: This guy puts his own spin on it. Not quite a joke, but a smile. Like a New Yorker cartoon. I don't hate it.

Barry: Wait. This pathetic game is how I'll earn Jenny's love. Adam, you're gonna be my shuffle partner.
Adam: Nah. I'm not a puck guy. Unless you're talking about A Midsummer Night's Dream. Then I'd jump at the chance to play a mischievous fairy.
Barry: Exactly. While you keep saying awful stuff like that, I'll dominate these crusty old men. No doubt winning Jenny's heart, soul, and bottom.