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31Quotes from ‘Bachelor Party’

The Goldbergs: Bachelor Party

609. Bachelor Party

Aired December 5, 2018

Barry tasks Adam with throwing him a gnarly bachelor party. Meanwhile, Beverly convinces Murray to treat himself to a new car.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Time to talk bachelor party, best man. Last night, I taped a movie off Cinemax starring Tom Hanks that forever changed my life. "Bachelor Party."
Dave Kim: My dad said that movie was a raunchy shlockfest that celebrates the lowest form of comedy.
Barry: Your dad knows his stuff. It is brilliant, and I want it to be the blueprint for my zany bachelor party.
Adam: What exactly do you mean by "zany"?
Barry: I'm talking about a giant rager in a hotel suite with sketchy babes, unruly Japanese businessmen, and a beer-guzzling mule that passes out.
Adam: That sounds very adult.
Barry: Exactly! Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid who's stupidly getting married. But this party will prove I'm a dumb adult who's stupidly getting married.

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Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, my dad would ask a question that would change the course of history.
Murray: What's that?
John Calabasas: That, my friend, is the Bitter. It's Austrian. So very rare.
Murray: Kind of looks like a Ferrari. I really loved those as a kid.
Beverly: Come on, Murray. For once in your life, just treat yourself.
Bill Lewis: And what a treat! Hey, Mur! Individual seat heaters! You know what they call that? "The marriage saver." Maybe if I had these bun toasters, I'd still be married. [laughs] Who am I kidding? We had separate bedrooms, only said hi in the hallway. But come on! Ah, [bleep] it]

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though my mom treated my dad to a new Bitter, it just made him more bitter than ever.
Murray: I mean it, Bevy. I'm returning that damn car. The last thing I need is the Ferrari of Austria.
Bill Lewis: Sure you do. Those people make a quality product. They gave us the boomerang and Crocodile Dundee.
Beverly: It's Austria, not Australia. My God. Just let me handle this, okay?

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.
Beverly: Mwah, mwah. Go. Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
Barry: Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside. You got to get out and open it.
Coach Mellor: Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Beverly: Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
Adam: Daah! The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
Beverly: Oh, poop! [horn honks]
Coach Mellor: No, you don't get out. They get out.
Beverly: If I don't get out, they can't get out. I'm sorry. I had to take Murray's car today.
Coach Mellor: I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer.

Quote from Lainey

Lainey: Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Erica: Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
Other Erica: And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
Lainey: Still, so sweet.

Quote from Barry

Lainey: Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Barry: Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
Other Erica: What's happening?
Barry: As bridesmaids, you are legally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
Carla: I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Barry: Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Adam: Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
Barry: No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean the stupid world to me.
Adam: What?
Barry: Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
Adam: I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
Barry: No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
Adam: [voice breaking] I just I have a brother who loves me so much.
Barry: It's true. We got to do man stuff fast.
Adam: We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table.
Barry: [voice breaking] I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Adam: Do it right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Barry: Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Adam: Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
Barry: It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
Adam: I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
Barry: No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Adam: Barry asked me to be his best man!
Beverly: Oh, sweet God, no.
Barry: I love this boy.
Beverly: [voice breaking] I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
Barry: Hold me in your arms.
Adam: Ohhhh. [all sob]

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: All right, we got a two-minute limit. You're gonna have to circle back around. Next!
Beverly: I am not getting back in that line. Look at how long it is.
Coach Mellor: It's that long because of you!
Adam: Mom, let us out!
Beverly: Boys, just climb out the window. Go, go, go! [horn honks] Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!
Adam: I got to see what I'm landing on. I don't want to get a gravel rash.
Coach Mellor: All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
Adam: Oh, no! My glasses!
Coach Mellor: Forget 'em. You got four other senses.

Quote from Barry

Dave Kim: That logic kind of tracks.
Barry: Thank you, David Kimberly.
Dave Kim: You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"?
Barry: I'm certain of it.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: You can't throw him this bachelor party in this movie, man. You can't do it.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: There's so much bad language and full-frontal shenanigans.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim!
Dave Kim: Why would boyishly lovable Tom Hanks agree to be in this? He's done. He'll never work again.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim!!
Dave Kim: Barry said his marriage hinges on this! What are you gonna do, bro?!
Adam: I don't know, Dave Kim. I don't know.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Actually, I dragged him here. He needs a new car.
John Calabasas: Well, I can tell just from the look of you that you only settle for the best. Am I right?
Murray: You are not. Save your spiel for the other suckers. I'm just here for a new handle.
Beverly: Murray, look at me and hear the words of a woman who was banned from carpool you're getting a car today. Any car. I don't even care what it is at this point.
Bill Lewis: My God, Mur-man! You're such a cheap bastard, your wife has completely given up and letting you get whatever car you like.

Quote from Adam

Barry: What do you got?
Andy: Bro, if you want an adult-man bachelor party, then we are gonna go extreme!
Geoff: I say we kick off the night in a badass arcade with some high-octane Skee-Ball!
Barry: High-octane. Now we're talking.
Andy: Followed by some extreme arcade gameplay, totally balls out and wild!
Barry: That is balls out. You guys just get it.
Matt: Then we kick it up to the max with a monster mini-horse and a no-holds-barred cake made of insanely cold ice cream!
Barry: This is insane. All of it.
Adam: Dude! They just said the exact same stuff as me, only they're shouting and using fancier adjectives.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, please. Just take the Bitter for a spin. Look! I got you driving gloves.
Murray: I don't want to wear gloves while I drive. What am I? The Equalizer?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Guy: Hey. What kind of car?
Murray: Uh, it's a Bitter. Austrian. Very rare.
Guy: At first, I thought it was a-
Murray: Oh, Ferrari. Yeah. It gets that a lot.
Bill Lewis: Also, Austria isn't the place with the boxing kangaroos. That's Australia. See? I'm growing, too.

Quote from Geoff

Marvin: And now, in your envelopes, you will find Binaca spray, Mexican pesos, anti-venom, and fake IDs.
Barry: Sweet! I'm a 65-year-old organ donor named Enzo Pinetti.
Geoff: George P. Shultz? Isn't he, like, Secretary of State?
Marvin: Yeah maybe you want to tuck your shirt in.
Johnny Atkins: Philippe Tallahassee? Sounds totally made up, bro.
JC Spink: Not as made up as Abner Q. Cheeseburger.
Marvin: Of German descent.

Quote from Murray

Mechanic: Well, I mean, here's the thing. If you have a car there's only one of, I mean, it ain't easy to get parts. There's legitimately none in this country.
Murray: So, what you're saying is, I splurged on something nice for myself, and the very next day, it's broken forever.
Mechanic: Yeah, that's exactly the case.
Murray: Your fault!
Beverly: No! I saw the way you were looking at the Bitter. You wanted the Bitter. You're a Bitter man, remember?
Murray: I am a bitter man. I'm bitter to have a broken car in my driveway mocking me for the rest of my life. Angry!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After the Bitter had broken, it left my dad bitter and broken.
Murray: Can you believe that woman? "Treat yourself, Mur." Who says that to a husband? Who?
Bill Lewis: Dear Lord! This is so infuriating, it makes me wanna punch a wall.
Murray: Aw, pal, I really appreciate the support.
Bill Lewis: Wait, you think I'm on your side?
Murray: Aren't you?
Bill Lewis: No! You make me want to punch a wall, not her!
Murray: You're my best friend. You're supposed to blindly agree with anything I say.
Bill Lewis: No. Beverly is a saint. Last I heard, my wife is somewhere in the Southwest. That's not even a state. That's just a region of the country. I can't get her on the phone. There's not even an area code. I ate a banana for dinner three times last week. When I don't brush my teeth, nobody cares.
Murray: We all got stuff.
Bill Lewis: Not you. Your wife cooks for you, she appreciates you. She wants you to be happy. My wife is a ghost in the wind. Sometimes I talk to an old sock of hers when I feel lonely.
Murray: So, you're not gonna side with me on this, are you?
Bill Lewis: Hell no! And you're gonna make this right for us. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and peel my dinner.


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