Barry: I told you, me and Lainey just want a small wedding with a deejay and spaghetti bar.
Beverly: Well, when it's your wedding, you can serve spaghetti.
Barry: It is my wedding!
Beverly: Let me explain exactly how this works. I know exactly what you want, not you.
Barry: How is that even possible?
Beverly: See, your body grew in my body, transferring all your thoughts and choices into me.
Barry: But I am me! I know what me wants!
Beverly: No, I am you, and you want what I want.
Erica: That's ironclad logic from where I sit.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] In order to prove to my dad I could make an emotional wedding video, I began shooting my first-ever serious interview.
Adam: All right, Pops. I need emotion and heart. Just look into the camera and tell Barry and Lainey everything you feel.
Pops: Everything?
Adam: Everything.
Pops: Barry and Lainey, words can't describe how I feel about you two. Makes me think back to my own life. I had no parents. I had brothers who said, "If you get married, we won't help you." I had a rare condition. My appendix burst inside without causing me any pain. I have one large scar across my abdomen and one scar all the way down my right side. And I had my kidney- One of my kidneys removed. Can I erase that erase about the kidney? That's all I have to say.
Adam: Uh cut?
Pops: That was fun. How'd I do?
Adam: We've had a lot of fun here. Maybe too much. Let's stop.
Pops: Well, if you need anything else, just let me know. See you later, kiddo.

Bill Lewis: There she is, the woman who made the little devil who's taking my angel.
Beverly: And there's the man who once broke one of our dining room chairs 'cause he sat down too fast.

Bill Lewis: You know, I know the bride's side always does the planning, but now that they picked a date and it's coming fast, I thought I would just check in, make sure I'm on track.
Beverly: Smart. So, tell me about the florist.
Bill Lewis: Can't, 'cause there ain't one.
Beverly: You've at least booked a wedding singer, right?
Bill Lewis: Strike two!
Beverly: Please tell me you booked a venue.
Bill Lewis: Of course. I'm deciding between the parking lot of my tile store or nothing, 'cause there is no venue.

Barry: What the hell is all this?
Beverly: Groom in the room! Everybody cover up! This is not a drill! Welcome to Wedding HQ. Don't look at or touch anything. I want it to be a surprise on your big day.
Erica: Mom's sparing no expense, so Dad will definitely not be able to retire. It's scary and hilarious.

Beverly: We just finished our cake tasting, and this is the one you like best.
Barry: Why the hell is there a middle-aged blonde lady between the bride and groom on my cake topper?
Erica: I think you know why, pal.
Barry: Mom, this room is crazy! This is all way too much.
Beverly: Nothing is too much for my curly-haired groom. Which we're going to feather back on the wedding day to make you look just like a masculine Farrah Fawcett.

Adam: My one and only business card, fine sir.
Pops: "Adam F. Goldberg, wedding videographer and media consultant."
Murray: "$1,000 cash or equivalent in Garbage Pail Kids."
Pops: What's a Garbage Pail Kid?
Murray: It's baseball cards for kids who hate baseball.
Adam: Come on! Just hire me. We're family. It's like the old saying "Always do business with family."

Murray: How can you even ask me to do this after what you did to cousin Susan's wedding video?
Adam: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Adam: [on tape] Da party! Party! Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman. Also starring Susan. Um, she's the bride. It's Beverly my mom. [imitates chomping, deep voice] Such good grub, man.
Murray: That is why I'm not hiring you.
Pops: It's true. Itzel eats so loud. He's the worst.
Murray: Weddings are supposed to be fancy and special, not a showcase for your stupid brand of stupid.
Pops: W-Wait, this is a wedding video? No, no, Adam. No, no.
Adam: You're turning on me, too? But you love my schtick.
Pops: A wedding is a no-schtick zone!
Adam: Oh, yeah? Well, when I become the most famous wedding videographer in the world, you'll both regret this moment as long as you live.
Murray: I'm totally at peace with this decision.

Barry: I can't marry Lainey! I'm just a dumb kid! I still get super angry when someone else gets a gift.
Erica: The wedding is weeks away, and you're just realizing you're an idiot now?
Barry: I always had a sense, but now it's confirmed. All this wedding stuff happened so fast, I just couldn't figure out how to stop it.
Erica: It happened fast because you said, "Let's have a fast wedding!"
Barry: I only did that 'cause people said slow down.
Erica: But you proposed and insisted on doing this.
Barry: That's only 'cause people insisted I call it off.
Erica: But you picked a random date that was alarmingly close!
Barry: That's 'cause people said don't pick a date until you know you're absolutely ready. I had no choice. They boxed me in.
Erica: Dude, this is exactly why I told you to not get a crush on Lainey or ask her out or date her or fall in love with her or propose to her.
Barry: Which is exactly why I did all those things!

Geoff: Dude, let me bottom-line this for you. Stop filming silly stuff and just focus on the heart.
Adam: That's it! I'll go to the man who has more heart than anyone I know.
[cut to:]
Adam: Pops! Stop randomly pushing buttons. I need your help.
Pops: And I need your help to heat up this matzo brei. Your mom made too big of a batch, so I had her seal it in a baggie so I could freeze it...
Adam: There's no time to tell me the colorful history of that matzo brei. I need a huge favor.
Pops: Okay, but it's a great story from pan to plate.
Geoff: Can you tell it fast?