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30Quotes from ‘The Wedding Singer’

The Goldbergs: The Wedding Singer

611. The Wedding Singer

Aired January 9, 2019

Beverly ramps up planning for Barry and Lainey's wedding and books a wedding singer. Meanwhile, Adam wants the job of filming the wedding but finds it hard to make a serious movie.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: I told you, me and Lainey just want a small wedding with a deejay and spaghetti bar.
Beverly: Well, when it's your wedding, you can serve spaghetti.
Barry: It is my wedding!
Beverly: Let me explain exactly how this works. I know exactly what you want, not you.
Barry: How is that even possible?
Beverly: See, your body grew in my body, transferring all your thoughts and choices into me.
Barry: But I am me! I know what me wants!
Beverly: No, I am you, and you want what I want.
Erica: That's ironclad logic from where I sit.

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Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] In order to prove to my dad I could make an emotional wedding video, I began shooting my first-ever serious interview.
Adam: All right, Pops. I need emotion and heart. Just look into the camera and tell Barry and Lainey everything you feel.
Pops: Everything?
Adam: Everything.
Pops: Barry and Lainey, words can't describe how I feel about you two. Makes me think back to my own life. I had no parents. I had brothers who said, "If you get married, we won't help you." I had a rare condition. My appendix burst inside without causing me any pain. I have one large scar across my abdomen and one scar all the way down my right side. And I had my kidney- One of my kidneys removed. Can I erase that erase about the kidney? That's all I have to say.
Adam: Uh cut?
Pops: That was fun. How'd I do?
Adam: We've had a lot of fun here. Maybe too much. Let's stop.
Pops: Well, if you need anything else, just let me know. See you later, kiddo.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: There she is, the woman who made the little devil who's taking my angel.
Beverly: And there's the man who once broke one of our dining room chairs 'cause he sat down too fast.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: You know, I know the bride's side always does the planning, but now that they picked a date and it's coming fast, I thought I would just check in, make sure I'm on track.
Beverly: Smart. So, tell me about the florist.
Bill Lewis: Can't, 'cause there ain't one.
Beverly: You've at least booked a wedding singer, right?
Bill Lewis: Strike two!
Beverly: Please tell me you booked a venue.
Bill Lewis: Of course. I'm deciding between the parking lot of my tile store or nothing, 'cause there is no venue.

Quote from Erica

Barry: What the hell is all this?
Beverly: Groom in the room! Everybody cover up! This is not a drill! Welcome to Wedding HQ. Don't look at or touch anything. I want it to be a surprise on your big day.
Erica: Mom's sparing no expense, so Dad will definitely not be able to retire. It's scary and hilarious.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: We just finished our cake tasting, and this is the one you like best.
Barry: Why the hell is there a middle-aged blonde lady between the bride and groom on my cake topper?
Erica: I think you know why, pal.
Barry: Mom, this room is crazy! This is all way too much.
Beverly: Nothing is too much for my curly-haired groom. Which we're going to feather back on the wedding day to make you look just like a masculine Farrah Fawcett.

Quote from Adam

Adam: My one and only business card, fine sir.
Pops: "Adam F. Goldberg, wedding videographer and media consultant."
Murray: "$1,000 cash or equivalent in Garbage Pail Kids."
Pops: What's a Garbage Pail Kid?
Murray: It's baseball cards for kids who hate baseball.
Adam: Come on! Just hire me. We're family. It's like the old saying "Always do business with family."

Quote from Adam

Murray: How can you even ask me to do this after what you did to cousin Susan's wedding video?
Adam: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Adam: [on tape] Da party! Party! Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman. Also starring Susan. Um, she's the bride. It's Beverly my mom. [imitates chomping, deep voice] Such good grub, man.
Murray: That is why I'm not hiring you.
Pops: It's true. Itzel eats so loud. He's the worst.
Murray: Weddings are supposed to be fancy and special, not a showcase for your stupid brand of stupid.
Pops: W-Wait, this is a wedding video? No, no, Adam. No, no.
Adam: You're turning on me, too? But you love my schtick.
Pops: A wedding is a no-schtick zone!
Adam: Oh, yeah? Well, when I become the most famous wedding videographer in the world, you'll both regret this moment as long as you live.
Murray: I'm totally at peace with this decision.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I can't marry Lainey! I'm just a dumb kid! I still get super angry when someone else gets a gift.
Erica: The wedding is weeks away, and you're just realizing you're an idiot now?
Barry: I always had a sense, but now it's confirmed. All this wedding stuff happened so fast, I just couldn't figure out how to stop it.
Erica: It happened fast because you said, "Let's have a fast wedding!"
Barry: I only did that 'cause people said slow down.
Erica: But you proposed and insisted on doing this.
Barry: That's only 'cause people insisted I call it off.
Erica: But you picked a random date that was alarmingly close!
Barry: That's 'cause people said don't pick a date until you know you're absolutely ready. I had no choice. They boxed me in.
Erica: Dude, this is exactly why I told you to not get a crush on Lainey or ask her out or date her or fall in love with her or propose to her.
Barry: Which is exactly why I did all those things!

Quote from Pops

Geoff: Dude, let me bottom-line this for you. Stop filming silly stuff and just focus on the heart.
Adam: That's it! I'll go to the man who has more heart than anyone I know.
[cut to:]
Adam: Pops! Stop randomly pushing buttons. I need your help.
Pops: And I need your help to heat up this matzo brei. Your mom made too big of a batch, so I had her seal it in a baggie so I could freeze it...
Adam: There's no time to tell me the colorful history of that matzo brei. I need a huge favor.
Pops: Okay, but it's a great story from pan to plate.
Geoff: Can you tell it fast?

Quote from Bill Lewis

Bill Lewis: Sweet Moses on buttered toast! Miracles do happen!
Lainey: Maybe pull it back a little, Dad.
Bill Lewis: I can't help it. I'm just so glad you're not throwing away your future on this boy-shaped bag of cheese.
Barry: That sounds like it was at my expense.
Bill Lewis: For sure, buddy.
Barry: This is going well.
Bill Lewis: To be honest, when I first met you, I was not a fan.
Barry: And then I grew on you.
Bill Lewis: You have not. But none of that matters now, because you and I are not gonna be family. Get in here.

Quote from Adam

Geoff: Dude, all you got to do is show this tale of personal devastation to your dad, and the gig is yours.
Adam: You don't think I should lighten it up a smidge? You know, cut in a rim shot or slide whistle? Dig a few chuckles out of it.
Geoff: Do not dig for chuckles!
Adam: Here's what I'm thinking.
Pops: [on tape] Barry and Lainey, words can't describe how I feel about you two. [fart noise] It just makes me burst. [deep fart noise] Your love is so special. [squeaky fart noise] So big. [loud fart noise] Thoughts?
Geoff: You got serious problems, man. Your grandfather just bared his soul, and now you want to fart it up?
Adam: I can't help myself. I can't not make something funny. It's the only way I can deal.
Geoff: Deal with what?
Adam: With my life in this ridiculous family and at school, where I feel anxious and awkward and desperately try to fit in!
Geoff: And keyboard farts help you fit in how?
Adam: 'Cause they make me happy. That's what big, funny movies and TV shows do for me. They let me escape and forget for a few lousy hours that I'm lazy-eyed Adam Goldnerd.
Geoff: Wow. That's really deep, man. I had no idea.
Adam: I think we both know what has to happen now.
Geoff: No! D-Don't do it, man! We connected! You got deep!
Adam: [loud, long fart noise]

Quote from Murray

Erica: How could she leave?! What about our band?!
Beverly: What about my future daughter-in-law?!
Bill Lewis: What about my current daughter?!
Murray: What about all my non-refundable deposits?!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Oh, poop! We got to talk some sense into that girl. Where is she?
Adam: Heading to the airport.
Bill Lewis: That's where the planes take off! We got to get over there!

Quote from Lainey

Lainey: I wish that was us.
Barry It is us.
Lainey: No, these two are just so ready to be together, to grow old together.
Barry: So are we.
Lainey: Bar, we love each other, but we're just two impulsive kids. We have our whole lives ahead of us.
Barry: As much as I hoped this flight would be the start of something huge for us, I guess it really means goodbye.
Lainey: For now.
Barry: Just promise me when the time's right you'll come back to me.
Lainey: Promise.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey. Let's talk.
Barry: I know. I'm a moron. I made you blow a ton of money on me. I'll pay you back somehow, okay?
Murray: I don't care about the money. I just care about you. Truth is I know how hard this is for you.
Barry: You really don't.
Murray: [scoffs] You forget that I was engaged to another woman before your mother. And like you, I was young, stubborn, and stupid.
Barry: And what happened?
Murray: Lucky for me, she knew in her heart that we weren't ready, and I took it hard. I thought my life was over.
Barry: I get it.
Murray: But then I met your mom, and I found out my life was just beginning just like yours is.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry and Lainey had always been the one couple everyone was rooting for. Sure, they were mismatched, but together, their love just made sense. That's why it was so heartbreaking they never got their happy ending. At least, not in this decade. Lainey's life took some crazy turns, but eventually, their paths would cross again.

Quote from Adam

Erica: I can't believe Pops actually said all this on camera.
Adam: Yeah, this one's a keeper, all right.
Erica: Keeper? No, you got to erase that.
Adam: Come on. No one besides our family's ever gonna see this crazy video.
Barry: If I were you, I'd just tuck it away and then use it at my actual wedding to Lainey.
Erica: Oh, God. Please don't go there.
Barry: I mean it. We will end up together. Maybe not now, but who knows where we'll be 10 years from now?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] As off-base as my brother usually was, this time, he might've been onto something.


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