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47Quotes from ‘The Pina Colada Episode’

The Goldbergs: The Pina Colada Episode

612. The Pina Colada Episode

Aired January 16, 2019

With everyone down in the dumps about Lainey moving, Murray tries to cheer up the family. Meanwhile, Adam tries to get out of the state-mandated mile run.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Come Friday, all of you will be doing the state-mandated mile run. Here's how it works. You run a mile, I time you, then I inform the state of how alarmingly inert the modern child has become.

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Quote from Adam

Adam: Question? Why is the state so determined to make us move our bodies?
Dave Kim: Yeah, why focus on us?
Dan: It's like, what are they running from?
Coach Mellor: This run is not up for debate. It is law written clear as day in the state's constitution.
Adam: Balls. You've won this round, Pennsylvania, but you've messed with the wrong inactive citizen.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: What?! How can they force you to run when your bones are still growing?! Excessive movement stunts your growth.
Adam: That's what I said!
Beverly: Well, don't you worry, because mama will run a million miles to help her baby not run one.
Adam: Just for that, I'm handing out free sugar. Get in here and grab a lump.
Beverly: Ooh! You love it. You love it.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: "Still growing"? That's your excuse?
Adam: Yeah, it's a super bummer, but what are you gonna do? A note's a note.
Coach Mellor: I didn't think your mother could top "preparing for a haircut."
Adam: I didn't, either. I was impressed, too.
Coach Mellor: Shame on you. What would William Penn himself say if he was standing here right now?
Adam: "Why aren't you all working the fields? Winter is coming."
Coach Mellor: Indeed, he would be mystified by our modern world, but he'd also be very disappointed in you.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Barry: I can't believe she actually left.
Erica: I know! How could Lainey just ditch our band?! Now it's just me and my rhythm-challenged drummer!
Other Erica: I agree! Lainey's talent made up for my lack of skill, and now I'm totally exposed!
Bill Lewis: You think you miss her?! My baby girl left me in an empty nest! Who's gonna make sure I have towels? Who?!

Quote from Barry

Matt: The JTP's heartbroken, too, bro.
All: [down] JTP.
Barry: I just don't know when the achy feeling in my heart place is gonna go away.
Geoff: Soon enough, pal. Just take it day by day.
Barry: Don't say "day"! Days are how Lainey measured the passing of time.
Andy: Isn't that how everyone measures the passing of time?
Barry: You knew her so well, Andrew. Thank you for understanding my pain, even though you have a tiny peanut heart like a little hummingbird.
Andy: Okay, it's a normal-sized heart, but...

Quote from Murray

Geoff: Okay, after doing lots of research in psychology and behavioral science, I have compiled a list of ways to make everyone feel better.
Murray: This is stupid. I know how to cheer up kids. They need four things. Stuff, sandwiches, songs, Sixers.
Geoff: This took me like eight hours, but let's hear your thing.
Murray: First I buy 'em stuff. Stuff makes 'em happy.
Geoff: Uh-huh.
Murray: Then I take them to the drive-thru at Arby's. Kids love Arby's. They got roast beef.
Geoff: Yeah, no, I've been to Arby's.
Murray: Then we drive around, and I play happy songs to make 'em happy.
Geoff: And then?
Murray: Then I got Sixers tickets 'cause nothing makes people happier than watching Dr. J dunk on the Knicks!
Geoff: And then?
Murray: Then you go home happy and you stay that way!
Geoff: Okay, uh, devil's advocate? Uh, maybe all that stuff has worked in the past, but I'm not sure how slam dunks are gonna solve this.
Murray: Devil's advocate to your devil's advocate? Shut up.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dan: Gym is pointless, and so is Mellor.
Dave Kim: All he does is push us out of our comfort zone. The zone I love being in!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you with heavy heart and wildly jacked delts to announce that I am leaving William Penn Academy.
Brian: What? The truth is, I've been offered my dream job coaching the country's best wrestlers for the Olympics.
JC Spink: Wow. Where?
Coach Mellor: Just 30 minutes away at the Foxcatcher Farm, owned by the wild-eyed eccentric billionaire John Du Pont.
Brian: But why would a billionaire want to coach wrestlers?
Coach Mellor: Hard to say. He's an intense fella. Either way, it's an opportunity of a lifetime with zero chance of ending badly.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Brian: Proud of you, coach.
JC Spink: You're the man.
Ruben, Amaro Jr.: We'll miss you every day.
Adam: Yeah, big blow. Point of procedure, what happens with the mile run?
Coach Mellor: The mile run is hereby postponed until the school can find a suitable, inferior replacement for me. [voice breaking] Damn it, Rick, you said you wouldn't let your eyes sweat. Walk it off, big guy!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Murray: And that's not all. You know what's in that car stereo?
Barry: Is that a compact disc?
Erica: You said this family fully invested in the cassette and there were no new formats we'd ever need!
Murray: So what do you say we drive around, listen to music, and eat some of our favorite meats! That's right. We're going to Arby's!
Erica: But that's top-shelf fast food!
Barry: We only get that as a treat after we go to the dentist.
Bill Lewis: Their fries are curly! That's a special-occasions potato.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Dude, you got to stop this. You're just hurting yourself. Trust me. You're gonna be fine.
Barry: Don't say "fine." Lainey was fine. That was her thing, being fine.
Adam: Okay, we got to cheer you up. How about we go play smashball at the Wawa?
Barry: [sighs] Lainey used to go to the Wawa. That was her thing.
Adam: We could go toilet-paper Principal Ball's house.
Barry: Lainey used to use toilet paper. That was her thing.
Adam: Okay. Oh! I know how to prove you can find love again. We can watch a teen Rom com.
Barry: [crying] Lainey used to love teen Rom coms! That was her thing.

Quote from Adam

Coach Mellor: The good news is, the note says nothing about him playing goalie, which is what he's going to do right now. Fire away!
Adam: Oh, stop! I'm still growing! Read the note! Read the note!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Bevy, how much longer is this gonna go on? I want my den back!
Beverly: Our babies are devastated, and all you can think about is your stupid den?
Murray: That's where the TV is! That's my baby!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ugh, I can't stand to see their precious hearts hurting this much! I have to fix this!
Murray: No. Do not try and fix their feelings. I mean it.
Beverly: But that's a mama's job, to fix everything so they never learn pain or sadness! It's very healthy.
Murray: No, it's not. You soak up all their misery like a sadness sponge, and then you're a wreck. It only makes things worse.
Beverly: Not this time.
Murray: [sighs]
Beverly: Those little pickles need someone to be their rock, and damn it, that someone is me.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: Come into the mom cocoon! I'll snug you until you emerge happy butterflies! [crying]
Erica: This is obviously our worst and only option! [crying]
Beverly: Yes, it is.
Geoff: Is it me, or is she making them sadder?
Murray: For once, it's not you. It's up to us to help those morons move on.
Geoff: Sounds like you're including me in a plan to save your family. I'm honored, sir!
Murray: Why ya gotta make everything so stupid?
Geoff: That's on me, partner.

Quote from Adam

Adam: That's class! Enjoy the mile run, suckas!
Dave Kim: Looks like we'll be chillin' right here with you, sucka.
Dan: We forced our moms to write us notes, too.
Adam: What?
Matt: "My son has water on the knee and cannot run, jog, or trot."
Adam: Don't you dare hand that in!
Dan: "Daniel Morse is suffering from puberty pains."
Adam: Obviously you are, but still!
Dave Kim: "Dave Kim has 'The Andromeda Strain'."
Adam: Come on! We can't all lie about our feeble bodies. Mellor will see right through it.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While we were happy Coach was leaving, my mom took a stab at curing everyone's depression.
Beverly: That's right. Focus on the fudge and not the fact that you may never have love, music, or a daughter ever again.
Murray: Oh, damn it. She's pouring a gallon of sadness on their fire. We gotta get rid of her.
Geoff: Got it. But how?
Murray: I'll take care of it, and I'm sorry. Hey, Bevy! The boy here needs his sweater bedazzled, and he said you wouldn't be good at it.
Beverly: Geoff Schwartz, let's go! Move!

Quote from Bill Lewis

Murray: All right, you sad sacks. Enough moping. It's time to get out for a day of dad fun.
Barry: Pass!
Erica: [with her mouth full] Please, just go, and let us be miserable in peace.
Murray: Why be miserable here when you can go out and listen to your brand-new car stereo!
Barry: What?!
Erica: No way!
Bill Lewis: Mur! This is the fancy kind where you pop off the face and take it with you, and then car thieves are like, "What?!"

Quote from Geoff

Murray: And that's just the start. I also got us tickets to the 76ers game!
Barry: No way! Hey, feels good to stand.
Murray: Why don't you put on some clothes, and we'll head on out?
Beverly: Ahh, look who's a big, sparkly man!
Geoff: It's me.
Murray: Damn it, Schwartz. I told you to keep her occupied.
Geoff: I tried! She bedazzles like the wind! I didn't even have to take the sweater off!

Quote from Barry

Murray: Well, Bill's happy. What about the rest of you?
Erica: My life is garbage.
Barry: Lainey would throw stuff in the garbage. That was her thing when she had trash.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adam: You sure about this guy? He seems a little bonkers.
Coach Mellor: Hey, every coach has his methods. Sometimes the crazier the better.
Coach Green: In my gym, we got two rules. Number one, we never give up!
Coach Mellor: We're on the same page.
Coach Green: Number two, aliens are real and they walk among us!
Coach Mellor: Different page.
Coach Green: Now I want to see some squats!
Coach Mellor: Back on track.
Coach Green: When the invasion happens, you will be probed. And trust me, you do not want to be probed. It is very unpleasant!
Coach Mellor: Okay, we're gonna keep on looking.

Quote from Erica

Erica: No, I do not like pina coladas! I hate them! I hate all frozen beverages!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Good news, class! After a pretty big false start, I finally found a perfect replacement for Coach Mellor! My brother! Coach Mellor!
Adam: Oh, balls.
Dan: What is that giant man doing here?! He coaches college football!
Coach Nick: Not anymore. After my mutual decision to be fired from Villanova, I decided to be a more caring and sensitive coach. I guess you could say I've Mellor'd out.
Coach Mellor: [laughs] Nice.

Quote from Dave Kim

Adam: Gentle? Playful puns? I'm digging this guy.
Coach Nick: Look, I know you guys got the mile run you got to do, but I say, no more. In fact, if there's anybody that would prefer to be elsewhere, like computer lab or theater practice, just go. I believe people should follow their dreams. [whistle blows] Busted! Now I know who doesn't wanna be here!
Adam: Oh, no! It was a trap! And we were immediately exposed!
Coach Nick: The mile run is back on. Move!
Dave Kim: I'm sorry I fell! Don't eat me!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adult Adam: [v.o.] We were doomed. I had to make sure original Coach Mellor never left us, and I wouldn't take no for an answer.
Coach Mellor: No.
Adam: Come on, man! I suddenly recognize you have value.
Coach Mellor: Just because me and Nick have different methods, doesn't mean his is wrong.
Adam: Sure it does!
Coach Mellor: The point is, we're both trying to teach you the same thing to be a winner, not a Rosie Ruiz.
Adam: A Rosie Who-now?
Coach Mellor: Okay, Goldfarb. One last lesson before I go.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That lesson was about Rosie Ruiz, a world-class runner in the '80s, famous for winning the Boston Marathon by taking the subway.

Quote from Pops

Pops: She took the subway?
Adam: The subway! Everyone has a sports hero, and Rosie Ruiz is mine.
Pops: Controversial, but okay.
Adam: That's why during the mile run, I'll jump into your car, and you can drive me to the finish line?
Pops: Aww, kiddo. I can't help you.
Adam: 'Cause cheating is wrong?
Pops: No! Cheating's that rush that keeps me ticking. I can't help you 'cause I don't have a license.
Adam: You're really gonna let the state tell you you can't drive? The same state that says I have to run a mile?
Pops: But you can run a mile.
Adam: And you can drive a mile.
Pops: That I can. Screw the state, I'm in!

Quote from Murray

Police Officer: License and registration.
Murray: What?
Police Officer: Turn off the pina-colada song, sir!
Murray: What?!
Police Officer: Just get out of the car.
Murray: We're gonna get out of the car now because we can't hear you!
Police Officer: I'm giving you a ticket for riding in the breakdown lane.
Murray: Well, my family's having a breakdown. Doesn't that count for something?
Police Officer: It does not.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My dad's plan to cheer up the family had backfired, and now he was sadder than anyone.
Murray: Stop looking at me! I'm fine.
Erica: In all fairness, it's hard to look away knowing you're all mushy inside and missing Lainey, too.
Barry: I thought you only get sad when the Eagles lose.
Murray: I do! Now drop it, okay?
Beverly: You want a huggy?
Murray: No!
Barry: How about laying on some warm laundry?
Murray: What am I, a cat? No.
Erica: Do you want my garlic bread?
Murray: No. Yes. But other than garlic bread, I'm fine! Let's just eat and feel nothing!

Quote from Murray

Erica: Do-do-do, do-do-do-do.
Murray: Ohh, no.
Barry: Do-do-do-do, do-do-do.
Murray: Don't! I just got it out of my head!
Beverly: If you like pina coladas
Murray: I really don't.
Erica & Barry: And getting caught in the rain
Murray: No one wants to be wet!
Beverly: If you're not into yoga
Murray: I'm not into any of this!
Erica & Barry: If you have half a brain
Murray: You have half a brain, morons!
Barry: If you love making love at midnight
Murray: Midnight? That's a whole new day.
Erica & Barry: In the dunes of the cape
Murray: I hate that we all know the words to this song.
Beverly: I'm the love that you've looked for
Erica & Barry: Write to me and escape
Murray: I like pina coladas.
Beverly: [straining] And?
Murray: And getting caught in the rain.
Beverly, Erica & Barry: I got to meet you by tomorrow noon
Murray: Aw, damn it, it's working!
Beverly, Erica & Barry: Through all this red tape
Murray: I feel happy. This is terrible.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adam: Coach, wait. I ran the mile. For real.
Coach Mellor: I didn't doubt you for a second.
Adam: Before you go I want you to know how much you taught me.
Coach Mellor: Well, that's nice to say.
Adam: But it's true. You taught me to give 110% and that rubbing dirt on a bruise will cure it. But most of all, you taught all the kids like me to never give up.
Coach Mellor: Just doing my job, Goldberg.
Adam: Hey you got my name right.
Coach Mellor: Only 'cause you've earned it.


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