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The Pina Colada Episode

‘The Pina Colada Episode’

Season 6, Episode 12 -  Aired January 16, 2019

With everyone down in the dumps about Lainey moving, Murray tries to cheer up the family. Meanwhile, Adam tries to get out of the state-mandated mile run.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Come Friday, all of you will be doing the state-mandated mile run. Here's how it works. You run a mile, I time you, then I inform the state of how alarmingly inert the modern child has become.


Quote from Adam

Adam: Question? Why is the state so determined to make us move our bodies?
Dave Kim: Yeah, why focus on us?
Dan: It's like, what are they running from?
Coach Mellor: This run is not up for debate. It is law written clear as day in the state's constitution.
Adam: Balls. You've won this round, Pennsylvania, but you've messed with the wrong inactive citizen.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: What?! How can they force you to run when your bones are still growing?! Excessive movement stunts your growth.
Adam: That's what I said!
Beverly: Well, don't you worry, because mama will run a million miles to help her baby not run one.
Adam: Just for that, I'm handing out free sugar. Get in here and grab a lump.
Beverly: Ooh! You love it. You love it.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: "Still growing"? That's your excuse?
Adam: Yeah, it's a super bummer, but what are you gonna do? A note's a note.
Coach Mellor: I didn't think your mother could top "preparing for a haircut."
Adam: I didn't, either. I was impressed, too.
Coach Mellor: Shame on you. What would William Penn himself say if he was standing here right now?
Adam: "Why aren't you all working the fields? Winter is coming."
Coach Mellor: Indeed, he would be mystified by our modern world, but he'd also be very disappointed in you.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Barry: I can't believe she actually left.
Erica: I know! How could Lainey just ditch our band?! Now it's just me and my rhythm-challenged drummer!
Other Erica: I agree! Lainey's talent made up for my lack of skill, and now I'm totally exposed!
Bill Lewis: You think you miss her?! My baby girl left me in an empty nest! Who's gonna make sure I have towels? Who?!

Quote from Barry

Matt: The JTP's heartbroken, too, bro.
All: [down] JTP.
Barry: I just don't know when the achy feeling in my heart place is gonna go away.
Geoff: Soon enough, pal. Just take it day by day.
Barry: Don't say "day"! Days are how Lainey measured the passing of time.
Andy: Isn't that how everyone measures the passing of time?
Barry: You knew her so well, Andrew. Thank you for understanding my pain, even though you have a tiny peanut heart like a little hummingbird.
Andy: Okay, it's a normal-sized heart, but...

Quote from Murray

Geoff: Okay, after doing lots of research in psychology and behavioral science, I have compiled a list of ways to make everyone feel better.
Murray: This is stupid. I know how to cheer up kids. They need four things. Stuff, sandwiches, songs, Sixers.
Geoff: This took me like eight hours, but let's hear your thing.
Murray: First I buy 'em stuff. Stuff makes 'em happy.
Geoff: Uh-huh.
Murray: Then I take them to the drive-thru at Arby's. Kids love Arby's. They got roast beef.
Geoff: Yeah, no, I've been to Arby's.
Murray: Then we drive around, and I play happy songs to make 'em happy.
Geoff: And then?
Murray: Then I got Sixers tickets 'cause nothing makes people happier than watching Dr. J dunk on the Knicks!
Geoff: And then?
Murray: Then you go home happy and you stay that way!
Geoff: Okay, uh, devil's advocate? Uh, maybe all that stuff has worked in the past, but I'm not sure how slam dunks are gonna solve this.
Murray: Devil's advocate to your devil's advocate? Shut up.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dan: Gym is pointless, and so is Mellor.
Dave Kim: All he does is push us out of our comfort zone. The zone I love being in!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you with heavy heart and wildly jacked delts to announce that I am leaving William Penn Academy.
Brian: What?
Coach Mellor: The truth is, I've been offered my dream job coaching the country's best wrestlers for the Olympics.
JC Spink: Wow. Where?
Coach Mellor: Just 30 minutes away at the Foxcatcher Farm, owned by the wild-eyed eccentric billionaire John Du Pont.
Brian: But why would a billionaire want to coach wrestlers?
Coach Mellor: Hard to say. He's an intense fella. Either way, it's an opportunity of a lifetime with zero chance of ending badly.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Brian: Proud of you, coach.
JC Spink: You're the man.
Ruben, Amaro Jr.: We'll miss you every day.
Adam: Yeah, big blow. Point of procedure, what happens with the mile run?
Coach Mellor: The mile run is hereby postponed until the school can find a suitable, inferior replacement for me. [voice breaking] Damn it, Rick, you said you wouldn't let your eyes sweat. Walk it off, big guy!

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