Beverly: I know I told you to never Tom Cruise a floor, but sometimes you just got to say, what the [beep].

Adam: What kind of sorcery is this? My giant zits are gone.
Beverly: Momma made you a promise. Now your adorable punim is ready to light up that stage.

Pops: Bevvy, you can't let him go through with this cockamamie scheme.
Beverly: Well, actually, it was my idea.

Beverly: Hi, love nuggets. Oh, your fifth birthday, I remember every single moment.
Andy: We should go.
Beverly: No, no, stay. Let's all watch the best time in my life when you were my little schmoo and you used to give momma endless huggies.
Erica: You heard momma. Play the tape.
Barry: Why watch a video when you can get a real huggie right now?
Beverly: For real?
Barry: Get in here, you.
Beverly: Oh, ain't this the best?
Barry: Totally. I can really feel your whole body against mine.
Beverly: Oh, my baby's so big and squishy!
Barry: (mouths) Help me!

Barry: The good news is she will forget about this in a few days.
Beverly: I will never forget about this.
Barry: Or a few week.s
Beverly: Never.

Beverly: You did it, and then made me turn against Phil Donohue?

Barry: So you lost a few irreplcable memories, but think about what you gained. An explosive jam-pilation of my sweetest rim encounters.
Beverly: You think I'd rather have a video of you jam-dunking on some low rim? Seriously?
Barry: Low? That's NBA regulation.
Beverly: It's not. I just told you that to make you feel good about yourself.

Coach Mellor: I think I can shed some light on what's going on here.
Beverly: Wow. Well, please do.
Coach Mellor: Your boy is self concious because of his wig.
Beverly: He doesn't wear a wig.
Coach Mellor: Well, I'm stumped. But you better figure something out, because an F in gym means Adam will never get to be a physical educator later in life.
Beverly: Oh no.
Coach Mellor: He'll also have to repeat the eighth grade.
Beverly: Oh no!
Coach Mellor: Yeah, probably should have led with that.

Beverly: He looks like a criminal or the tenor in a damn barbershop quartet.

Pops: I think you're overstating it, Bev. Murray finally has a friend. You can't change that, and you can't change Bill.
Beverly: You're right, that's the answer. I need to change Bill.
Pops: I didn't say change Bill. I said the exact opposite.
Pops: Yeah, you don't need to repeat yourself, Dad. I'll do it.
Pops: Do not do it!
Beverly: Agreed. Doing it.
Pops: Do not do it.
Beverly: Doing it. I'll change Bill and make him the best best friend my husband could have.
Pops: You're just hearing specific words to suit your own horrible needs.
Beverly: Just-
Pops: No!
Beverly: You're the best, Dad.