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42Quotes from ‘I Caddyshacked the Pool’

The Goldbergs: I Caddyshacked the Pool

304. I Caddyshacked the Pool

Aired October 14, 2015

Adam comes up with an excuse to not swim in class because he is embarrassed of his changing body, but Coach Mellor says he will fail him unless he participates. So he comes up with a plan that could affect his friendship with Dave Kim. Meanwhile, Erica struggles to find an identity, so she creates a club at school, but Barry ruins the experience for her when he joins the club as well.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Wait, she's getting interviewed by the William Penn Mirror?
Lainey: Come on, don't get all jealous because your sister's making news.
Barry: And me eating thirty-two fish sticks in the cafeteria isn't? This is classic media bias!

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: My little angel's a ten. You are a ten. You're a [bleep] ten!

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: So you can vouch for your son's claim that he can't get into the pool because he's a CIA operative wearing a wire?
Beverly: That's classified.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: Adam is failing gym class.
Beverly: I'd say the failing is yours, but continue.
Coach Mellor: Your son comes in every day with a new excuse for why he can't swim.
Beverly: If my schmoop says he can't swim, then he must have a legitimate reason and I fully support him.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I don't pretend anything. At my core, I'm a break-dancing samurai ninja who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Guess who just had a meeting with Coach Mellor. Apparently Adam is failing? I don't get it. You used to love to swim. But I've figured it out.
Adam: Really?
Beverly: Yeah, it's your bathing suit. You're growing fast and it's pinching your little coin purse.
That's why I got you these jams. Nice roomy swim trunks for all your bits and berries. Go on, model them for momma.
Adam: I don't want to model the jams.
Beverly: Come on, they're jams.
Adam: I know they're jams.
Beverly: Well then show us how handsome you look in your new jams.
Adam: I don't want the jams.
Beverly: Come on. They're jams.
Murray: He doesn't want the damn jams. Leave the boy alone already!
Beverly: Well, someone has to address the issue with his little marbles.
Murray: No one wants their mom talking about their yam bag.
Adam: My God. The problem isn't the swim suit. It's just, I hate taking off my shirt.
Beverly: Why?
Adam: I'm ashamed of my body. Okay?
Beverly: You're ashamed of this beautiful wall of deliciousness?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Let me show you how it's done. I like my eyes because they sparkle. I like my shoulders because they look good with or without pads. I like my tummy because it's where I baked you.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: At 6:49 this morning, our faithful janitor discovered a foreign object in the pool. Initially, we thought the object was organic in nature. So we followed school protocol and drained the facilities. Upon closer inspection, we determined that the floater in question was in fact a candy bar. Laugh it up, chuckleheads, but Caddyshacking a pool is a serious offense.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Did you know the Rolling Stones make 93% of their money on t-shirts? And the other 22%, stickers! Merch, baby, merch!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, how are you doing?
Adam: Why are you in my room?
Murray: Just came by to say hi, and (mumbles).
Adam: What?
Murray: (mumbles)
Adam: What?
Murray: Y'know, (mumbles "you've got a beautiful body").
Adam: See, you keep trailing off specifically at the end.
Murray: You've got a beautiful body! This body of yours, beautiful.
Adam: Don't ever tell me that again!
Murray: Deal. But, let's be truthful. You don't have a beautiful body.
Adam: Thanks.
Murray: You're in middle school. Your body, it's stinky and greasy, and it's growing too fast. And, when you talk, it's like a broken kazoo. Those days were horrible. I remember them, I really do.
Adam: Since when have you had a shred of insecurity about your body? You'll go anywhere in your Tighty-Whities.
Murray: That's now. When I was your age, I hated my body. The good news is, I grew up and life beat me down so hard, I eventually stopped caring. And some day, life will crap on you so hard that you'll stop caring too.
Adam: That's oddly reassuring.
Murray: Trust me. Eventually you'll realize it doesn't matter what other people think.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Consider it a Baritable donation to your social whatever club.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Look, I know not everyone of you is in peak physical condition like coach. A lot of you have got baby fat. Some of you are gangly, spaghetti-armed monsters. Others just look like a sack of paste. But if this is how you feel, then I am willing to make even the worst of you a little more comfortable.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What's shakin', bacon? You up for a little chat about, oh I don't know, Star Wars, robots, your body, video games?

Quote from Adam

Coach Mellor: Goldfarb, no suit again, I see. What is it this time?
Adam: I have a contagious butt rash.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Swimming is against my religion.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I'm allergic to water.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I have an irritable bowel.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I got one heck of a fungus downstairs.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: I think I can shed some light on what's going on here.
Beverly: Wow. Well, please do.
Coach Mellor: Your boy is self concious because of his wig.
Beverly: He doesn't wear a wig.
Coach Mellor: Well, I'm stumped. But you better figure something out, because an F in gym means Adam will never get to be a physical educator later in life.
Beverly: Oh no.
Coach Mellor: He'll also have to repeat the eighth grade.
Beverly: Oh no!
Coach Mellor: Yeah, probably should have led with that.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Look! Kenny Rogers and Kenny Logins. That's the two best Kennys in one room. Unheard of.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Aw, it's just like when we saw that "We are the Earth" song.

Quote from Erica

Erica: That's just a smorgasbord of absurd things mashed together in one ridiculous human.

Quote from Barry

Erica: You're a poser.
Barry: Copied my insult, ergo you're a poser. Logic! Barry wins!
Erica: You did not. Erica wins.
Pops: No, he won. You copied him. It was weak, sweetheart. Have a slice of pizza and be happy.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Nell Carter looks like she gives great hugs.
Murray: What's going on with you?

Quote from Adam

Adam: Those words make it so much worse. I'm never swimming again. Even if George Lucas invited me to a pool party in the swamps of Dagobah, I'd still say no. I mean, I'd go and check it out. How many chances do you have to meet Yoda? But I would not go into the pool.

Quote from Erica

Erica: I think that we focus on one issue that's super important today, helping the people of Africa.
Barry: Question.
Erica: What!
Barry: Why do you get to pick the issue?
Erica: Because it's the most important one.
Barry: To you, but what about the rain forest, or raising awareness for the Ozone, or why Air Jordans are so expensive.
Erica: Air Jordans? That's not even a cause.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Say, does anyone else have an issue to be made aware of? Perhaps my wonderful girlfriend has a few.
Lainey: Now that I think about it, there are, like, way too many nuclear weapons.
Barry: Ooh, that's a good one, put it down.

Quote from Barry

Andy: Yeah, but nuclear energy is cleaner than burning fossil fuels.
Barry: That's true, so write yes nukes.
Erica: But I just wrote no nukes.
Barry: Who else has an issue?
Johnny Atkins: Save the whales, bro. Gotta do it.
Geoff: Except the killer whales. They're bad because they're killers.
Johnny Atkins: So, I guess, save some whales?
Erica: That makes no sense.
Barry: Write it down!

Quote from Pops

Pops: Those poor schmucks think somebody had an accident, but it's just a candy bar. This movie is a hoot.

Quote from Adam

Pops: Things are just getting good. Where are you going, kiddo?
Adam: I've suddenly got a craving for a Baby Ruth.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Oh, we'll see who the joke is once I start my own rival social awareness club to raise money for Barity.
Erica: Barity? That's not a thing.
Barry: It's a Barry Charity. A Barity. And it will crush your charity.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: I figured keeping you here hours after class would flush out our prankster. Alvin, our janitor, gave me that pun. If the culprit doesn't come forward by next class, you will all be punished. But know this, I will find you.

Quote from Erica

Erica: What the hell is this?
Barry: Victory. My friend Terrence works at the Wawa, he gave me all the day-old donuts they were gonna trash.
Erica: You people are eating garbage pastries!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Wait, hold on, stop, stop, stop. You telling me you'd rather run laps indefinitely than get in the pool?
Kids: Yeah.
Coach Mellor: Well, in that case, swimming for the rest of the year.
Emmy: We can't just swim all year. What about basketball?
Coach Mellor: It will be water basketball.
Dave: Dodgeball?
Coach Mellor: Pool dodgeball.
Adam: Soccer?
Coach Mellor: You'll be on rafts.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: No, Adam wouldn't do that. I mean, I solved his problems by forcing him to love his body.
Murray: Nobody wants to hear that sort of thing from their mother.
Beverly: Well, if that's true, then I suppose he needs to hear it from his father.
Murray: Or his grandfather.
Pops: I'm not saying that weird stuff to the boy. We keep it loose.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Wait. I did it. I Caddyshacked the pool.
Dave Kim: Innocent!
Adam: Look, this wasn't some prank. I did it because I hate swimming. We all do. We dread having to wear our swimsuits in front of each other because we feel super weird about our super weird bodies. So if it's a crime to be self-concious, then I guess I'm guilty. But just ask yourself, isn't that punishment enough?
Coach Mellor: No. A month's detention.
Adam: Balls.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Look, maybe you are a poser, but so am I. Don't tell anyone, but I can't dunk on Charles Barkley. I'm not in the yakuza. And even though it looks like it, my body's not as cut as LL Cool J's.
Erica: Well, your secret's safe with me.

Quote from Barry

Erica: Dear God, how do you keep making these t-shirts so fast?
Barry: Mom's got iron-on decals of all our faces.


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