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‘I Caddyshacked the Pool’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: I Caddyshacked the Pool

304. I Caddyshacked the Pool

Aired October 14, 2015

Adam comes up with an excuse to not swim in class because he is embarrassed of his changing body, but Coach Mellor says he will fail him unless he participates. So he comes up with a plan that could affect his friendship with Dave Kim. Meanwhile, Erica struggles to find an identity, so she creates a club at school, but Barry ruins the experience for her when he joins the club as well.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Wait, she's getting interviewed by the William Penn Mirror?
Lainey: Come on, don't get all jealous because your sister's making news.
Barry: And me eating thirty-two fish sticks in the cafeteria isn't? This is classic media bias!

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: My little angel's a ten. You are a ten. You're a [bleep] ten!

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, how are you doing?
Adam: Why are you in my room?
Murray: Just came by to say hi, and (mumbles).
Adam: What?
Murray: (mumbles)
Adam: What?
Murray: Y'know, (mumbles "you've got a beautiful body").
Adam: See, you keep trailing off specifically at the end.
Murray: You've got a beautiful body! This body of yours, beautiful.
Adam: Don't ever tell me that again!
Murray: Deal. But, let's be truthful. You don't have a beautiful body.
Adam: Thanks.
Murray: You're in middle school. Your body, it's stinky and greasy, and it's growing too fast. And, when you talk, it's like a broken kazoo. Those days were horrible. I remember them, I really do.
Adam: Since when have you had a shred of insecurity about your body? You'll go anywhere in your Tighty-Whities.
Murray: That's now. When I was your age, I hated my body. The good news is, I grew up and life beat me down so hard, I eventually stopped caring. And some day, life will crap on you so hard that you'll stop caring too.
Adam: That's oddly reassuring.
Murray: Trust me. Eventually you'll realize it doesn't matter what other people think.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: So you can vouch for your son's claim that he can't get into the pool because he's a CIA operative wearing a wire?
Beverly: That's classified.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: Adam is failing gym class.
Beverly: I'd say the failing is yours, but continue.
Coach Mellor: Your son comes in every day with a new excuse for why he can't swim.
Beverly: If my schmoop says he can't swim, then he must have a legitimate reason and I fully support him.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I don't pretend anything. At my core, I'm a break-dancing samurai ninja who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Guess who just had a meeting with Coach Mellor. Apparently Adam is failing? I don't get it. You used to love to swim. But I've figured it out.
Adam: Really?
Beverly: Yeah, it's your bathing suit. You're growing fast and it's pinching your little coin purse.
That's why I got you these jams. Nice roomy swim trunks for all your bits and berries. Go on, model them for momma.
Adam: I don't want to model the jams.
Beverly: Come on, they're jams.
Adam: I know they're jams.
Beverly: Well then show us how handsome you look in your new jams.
Adam: I don't want the jams.
Beverly: Come on. They're jams.
Murray: He doesn't want the damn jams. Leave the boy alone already!
Beverly: Well, someone has to address the issue with his little marbles.
Murray: No one wants their mom talking about their yam bag.
Adam: My God. The problem isn't the swim suit. It's just, I hate taking off my shirt.
Beverly: Why?
Adam: I'm ashamed of my body. Okay?
Beverly: You're ashamed of this beautiful wall of deliciousness?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Let me show you how it's done. I like my eyes because they sparkle. I like my shoulders because they look good with or without pads. I like my tummy because it's where I baked you.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: At 6:49 this morning, our faithful janitor discovered a foreign object in the pool. Initially, we thought the object was organic in nature. So we followed school protocol and drained the facilities. Upon closer inspection, we determined that the floater in question was in fact a candy bar. Laugh it up, chuckleheads, but Caddyshacking a pool is a serious offense.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Did you know the Rolling Stones make 93% of their money on t-shirts? And the other 22%, stickers! Merch, baby, merch!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Consider it a Baritable donation to your social whatever club.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Look, I know not everyone of you is in peak physical condition like coach. A lot of you have got baby fat. Some of you are gangly, spaghetti-armed monsters. Others just look like a sack of paste. But if this is how you feel, then I am willing to make even the worst of you a little more comfortable.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What's shakin', bacon? You up for a little chat about, oh I don't know, Star Wars, robots, your body, video games?

Quote from Adam

Coach Mellor: Goldfarb, no suit again, I see. What is it this time?
Adam: I have a contagious butt rash.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Swimming is against my religion.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I'm allergic to water.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I have an irritable bowel.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I got one heck of a fungus downstairs.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: I think I can shed some light on what's going on here.
Beverly: Wow. Well, please do.
Coach Mellor: Your boy is self concious because of his wig.
Beverly: He doesn't wear a wig.
Coach Mellor: Well, I'm stumped. But you better figure something out, because an F in gym means Adam will never get to be a physical educator later in life.
Beverly: Oh no.
Coach Mellor: He'll also have to repeat the eighth grade.
Beverly: Oh no!
Coach Mellor: Yeah, probably should have led with that.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Look! Kenny Rogers and Kenny Logins. That's the two best Kennys in one room. Unheard of.

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