Beverly: What if I had a way to solve your problems? A way to make this your biggest hit yet?
Miss Cinoman: Mrs. Goldberg, we have been through this in the past. You can't be in the musical.
Beverly: No, no, I have come to accept that.

Beverly: Problem solved, love bug! We're gonna Milli Vanilli the [beep] out of that musical.

Beverly: Susan, I really appreciate you agreeing to see me on such short notice.
Miss Cinoman: Technically, I didn't agree. You just barged in during third period and yelled "Class dismissed!"

Coach Mellor: Goldfarb! Wheel it in. Time for a private huddle. I'm going to put this delicately, kid. You smell like a gym sock's butt.
Adam: Uh, thanks.
Coach Mellor: You smell like a garlic diaper.
Adam: Thanks?
Coach Mellor: You smell like egg salad left in a humidifier.
Adam: Thanks.
Coach Mellor: I assume you don't notice because you live with that stink 24/7.
Adam: Oh no. I smell it.
Coach Mellor: There's half a Speed Stick in my desk. It's yours now. Be liberal with it. Coach is on your team, here. It's why I pulled you aside to avoid embarrassment.
Adam: I guess I would have preferred you pulled me aside just a little farther.

Erica: How is it my fault that every guy in our school is an unbearable moron?
Lainey: That's another thing. You gotta stop calling everyone a moron.
Murray: Morons! You're being too loud! Find another house to stupid up.
Barry: Oh my God, you're just like Dad! Way to go, Mur-man. Years of calling everyone on the planet a moron has poisoned your daughter's love life, and left her cold and alone.
Murray: So you're telling me that I've raised a daughter who doesn't want to date dumbass high school boys? I think I've done my job.

Beverly: If anyone understands what you're going through, it's momma.
Adam: No offense, Mom, but you have no idea how hard this is for me.
Beverly: Please. I've watched two children go through the "Pubening", ha. Heck, I even went through it myself at the tender age of nine.
Pops: It wasn't ideal.
Beverly: They used to call me Booberly.

Barry: It's my duty to help you out, baby bro. Only Big Tasty can guide you through what many call the "Pubening."
Adam: No one calls it that.
Barry: First, stop washing your face. You'll go through a very shiny, greasy couple of months, but eventually your natural oils reach a healthy balance.
Pops: Why does he do this?
Beverly: I don't know.
Barry: Second, always shave dry and against the grain. Attacking the follicles in a jerky, zig-zag pattern. And third, never use deodorant. That's just something the big corporations made up to take your money. Simply apply a healthy layer of Vaseline to the arm pit and let it seal in the stink.
Pops: He's still going.
Beverly: He means well.
Barry: Think of me as a resource. I'm here for you bro.
Beverly: Thank you, boopie. So helpful! Forget everything you just heard.

Geoff: Well, if you want to go to homecoming with me, I'll totally drop my foxy lady.
Barry: Your foxy lady is your cousin.
Geoff: Second cousin. Totally different blood line. I mean, I'm probably not going to do stuff. She looks just like me with a perm.

Erica: Geoff, this was sweet, but I have a pretty firm "No Moron" policy.
Geoff: Question. Am I that category?
Erica: For sure.

Erica: Chill. I didn't say I was going to the dance. I just said I would consider it if an idiot asked me.
Lainey: Got it. We'll play it cool and casually spread the word.
Barry: Attention, entire school! This is Erica Goldberg and she will go to Homecoming with anyone willing to ask.
Erica: Barry, sit your ass down right now!
Lainey: Uh, to clarify, she's not a desperate loser. She's just super closed off and the door's open a crack.