Will: Um... "From the first time I saw you, I knew that I wanted to be with you always. I knew that I wanted to hold you and love you..."
Backing singers: Smith Will Smith, yeah
Will: Right on. All right. Um...
Backing singers: They say this cat Smith Is a bad mother-
Will: Shut your mouth.
Minister: Well, they talking about you.
Will: Can I do this, please? Um, where was I? "Lisa..."
Minister: You're a complicated man There's no one who understands you But your woman
Backing singers: Will Smith
Will: [sighs] Look, Lisa, what I'm trying to say is.... [singers whooping] All right, that's enough! [Will whooping] That's it. Look, Lisa, baby, I'm telling you I want to marry you, but definitely not like this.
Lisa: Right on, Will.
Will: Oh, by the way, dude, your Isaac Hayes impression stinks.
Minister: I don't know, I thought it was pretty good.

Will: Lot of good times in this house, huh?
Philip: A lifetime's worth. You okay?
Will: Yeah, yeah. No, no. I'm cool. I'm cool, Uncle Phil. You know, it's just when I first came out here, you know I was a relative. But for the past six years, it's like we've been family. I just don't wanna go back to being just a relative again. I mean, I lived without a father and without brothers and sisters and all of that. I like this life better. I want you to call me on Sundays too when you're calling all your other kids. Look, um I love you, Uncle Phil, and I just don't wanna lose you, you know, any of you.
Philip: You're not gonna lose us. You are my son, Will. End of story. You just better be sure that your butt is by a phone on Sunday.
Will: You got it, man. [they hug]

Tyriq: Carlton is your partner?
Jazz: Yeah, what he got I ain't got?
Will: On a straight up tip, y'all, see, Carlton got this rare disease, right? And to go on this game show was his last desperate wish before he takes that old dirt nap.
Tyriq: That's decent, Will.
Jazz: What he got?
Will: Um... Uh... He got Bette Davis eyes.

Will: We got to get out of here, man. That big dude is making me nervous.
Carlton: Why?
Will: Any time you see a White guy in jail, you know he did something bad.

Will: Did you memorize that list of things I gave you to do at dinner tonight?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: Well, just to be on the safe side, let's have a little pop quiz. Number one: Any time Uncle Phil takes a drink, what do you do?
Hilary: I compliment you.
Will: Yes! Now, did you memorize the list of compliments?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: Okay, very good. Number two: Any time anyone says "Hilary," what do you do?
Hilary: I bark like a dog.
Will: That's right! See you at dinner.
Hilary: Will, if you have an ounce of compassion, you'll let me off the hook.
Will: Yeah, that's a good point. No, we'll do it anyway.

Kayla: Your mama's so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.
Will: Okay. Well, you know what? Your mama's so dumb she went to the movies. It said, "Under 17 not admitted" so she went and got 16 of her friends.
Kayla: I shouldn't be talking about your mama. I feel sorry for your mama having such an ugly child.
Will: Say what?
Kayla: You're so ugly, she tied a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.
Will: Well- Well, you so ugly your mama had to feed you with a slingshot.
Kayla: You so ugly, that ain't a fade on your head that's your hair running away from your face.
Will: You know what, you so ugly... No, you know what, this is a good one. You are so ugly that if you... [stammers] Damn, baby. You so fine. [they hug] I would kiss you but I just had a chilidog.

Will: Man, I thought a dip in the pool was gonna cool me off. But I'm blazing about what Uncle Phil said to me.
Geoffrey: Oh, I'm sure when he called you a sophomoric cretin, it was just a figure of speech.
Will: No, no. That didn't bother me. It's when he said I was just like Carlton.
Geoffrey: Yes, I can understand your concern. Sandwich?
Will: Yeah, sure. See, now, look, I know where I come from, man. I mean, I'm coming straight out of Philly, man, and I'm proud of that. Hey, could you put that on a croissant for me?
Geoffrey: Certainly. You know, Master William, we all change.
Will: Hey, look, man, I haven't changed, I'm not gonna change and I'm not down with this bougie stuff.
Geoffrey: Swiss?
Will: No, Gorgonzola. Hey, man, I'm telling you, if there is one dude in the world that's the total opposite of Carlton, it's this guy standing right here, man. Hey, thanks a lot, G. Yo, man, how you gonna play a brother on the Grey Poupon?

Will: [British accent] Would you likes to order before I bring you back the menus?
Ashley: l'll have an iced tea, please.
Hilary: Perrier with a twist of lemon.
Philip: I don't know. I just can't seem to decide.
Will: Well, sir, we've got all three flavors of Slim-Fast.
Philip: I'll have a cola, wise guy.

Philip: Mr. Smith, could you tell us in your own words what happened?
Will: Yes. Peep this, your J-ship. Me and Jazz were about to cruise down to the mall in the honey wagon, you know, so we can pack it up with some honeys. So, I popped a little Peabo in the Pioneer, checked my pocket for my Binaca. Hey, 'cause, you know, fresh breath can make the difference between getting a honey's number and getting flipped the bird.
Judge Wilson: Honey flipped me the bird at a bus stop this morning. That's the most action I've had in six months. You were saying something, Mr. Smith?
Will: Yes, so, I checked my rear-view mirror and no sooner did I accelerate than out of nowhere the plaintiff, this seer-sucking Brooks Brother over here, came barreling out of nowhere and bashed right into me.
Judge Wilson: Anything else, Mr. Smith?
Will: Yeah, keep hope alive. You are somebody.
Judge Wilson: Thank you.

Phillipe: What is going here?
Will: Should I tell him? Or do you want to, Dad?
Phillipe: This is your son?
Geoffrey: Of course not.
Will: Is it our fault you never married Mom? I know she embarrassed you. She only had one arm and when you would go to concerts, she clapped like this.
Geoffrey: Surely, you don't believe this.
Carlton: Daddy, you're ashamed of us?
Will: This is my brother, Carlton. He knows we can't afford any bigger clothes so he just doesn't grow.
Carlton: Daddy, I want to grow.
Will: He's never even been on a roller coaster for God's sakes.