Lisa: Oh. So Mr. Dirty Dog is trying to make a phone call, is he?
Will: So you mean to tell me for 5 extra dollars, I could get HBO? [Lisa throws the phone on the floor] Okay, basic cable is cool.

Carlotta: What is it? Are you okay?
Will: Uh... No, no I was just I was just thinking about how they made Tom Cruise even whiter.

Helena: Sounds like you're saying you wanna put on some gloves and spar with me.
Will: No. How'd it sound like that? Heh, heh, heh.
Helena: You don't want to?
Will: Oh, no. You know what? My mom told me never hit a lady.
Helena: Because you're not fast enough?
Will: [screams] Ah! That's a good one. That's a good one. Now take it back.
Helena: I don't think so. [jabs Will]
Will: Ooh. [nasally voice] No need to go there.
Helena: You're right. [jabs him again]
Will: [normal voice] Ooh. That one actually hurt a little. Look here, Helena, I was thinking- [she punches him in the stomach] Ugh! Shoot. [pained voice] Now it's on.

[As Uncle Phil dances in front of the baby]
Will: Earthquake! ... is a dance, and apparently you know it.

Carlton: Dad, when are you gonna get the air conditioner fixed? It's sweltering in our place.
Will: Yeah, man, it's so hot out there the Uh-Huh Girls just went: Unh.
Hilary: Everybody keeps talking about this heat wave. Maybe I should mention it in today's weather report.
Will: You know, that girl has got the mind of Willard Scott. Hey. Come to think of it, you got his body. Y'all should team up.

Will: [screaming] Carlton. Carlton, man, I'm sorry about all those short jokes. You know, it really took a big man to handle it and, well, you tried your best, okay? I love you, man.
Carlton: I love you too, Will.

Will: Damn, man, I'm saying, you gonna be making changes in our relationship, you gotta let me know. I could've been down at the club, you know. There's some hundred percent USDA prime choice down there. I could be tenderizing right now. Tenderizing as we speak.

Will: So, hey, Hil, what you think? You did a pretty good show today, huh?
Hilary: Three words: Stink. Stank. Stunk. It was the worst show we have ever done. We need better guests.
Will: Wait, wait. Don't be getting all mad at me. I'm just the assistant talent coordinator. If I had some more responsibility, maybe we'd have some better guests.
Hilary: Okay, then get me someone great for tomorrow's show.
Will: And if it were my responsibility, then I'd do it.
Hilary: Okay, I'm telling you to do it.
Will: All right, and if I thought you meant it, then I'd get it done.
Keesha: That's right, my baby can definitely get it done.
Will: Don't make me turn the hose on you, a'ight?