Will: "Those cops were just trying to do their jobs"?
Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
Will: Man, you ain't learned nothing this weekend, did you?
Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
Will: What?
Carlton: If we would have had a map we wouldn't have to drive 2 miles an hour to find a freeway entrance and we wouldn't have been stopped.
Will: Oh, okay, okay. I get it now. We were stopped because we were driving too slow. We were breaking the slowness limit. Oh, okay. Well, you see, I've never heard of that law before. But I did hear this other law. It's the "if you see a Black guy driving anything but a burned-out Pinto, you better stop him because he stole it" law. Yeah, I heard about that one. But see, I thought it was "the Black guy law" when in actuality, it was the "slowness limit law." Oh, thank you for sharing that with me, Carlton. Good night.

Will: All right, look. Step one: You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right? In the old days, they used to call it selling woof tickets.
Ashley: She won't buy anything from me, Will.
Will: No, no, no. See, a woof ticket is like a threat. See, right? It's all in your attitude. It's like: Say, man! Hey! You don't get out of my face, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa's gonna get a lump.
Ashley: I will hit you so hard, it will bruise your great-grandfather badly.
Will: That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di.
Will: But, no try it like this: Say, man! I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna land in another zip code!
Ashley: I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to land in another zip code! [smiles]
Will: Moving on.
Will: Look, the next step is full-scale psychological warfare, right? So you gotta act like you got this tick, right? Like the army did this experiment on you, right, that just went terribly wrong. Like: Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business.
Ashley: Okay. Back up! Back up! [turns around] Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business.

Carlton: Well, I'm all ready for Monte Carlo night. I've read this book cover to cover. Ask me about any odd combination.
Will: Okay, why is Michael Jackson hanging with that little boy from Home Alone?

Will: See, once upon a time there was this young boy that lived in Philly, right? And right next to him lived the prettiest little honey you ever seen in your life. And he loved her with his whole heart and soul.
Ashley: Aw.
Will: Amen, sister. But see, on the other side of that girl lived this little, filthy McRotten dude and he wanted her just for her body, right? So one day, the two dudes was about to get it on, right? The girl came out and stopped them. She said, "No, flip a coin and the winner can be my boyfriend," right? So the nasty dude snatch off into his pocket, right? Calls heads, flips the coin, the nice guy lost the toss, and the girl, and it broke his heart. And do you know why he lost?
Vivian: Why?
Will: Because the nasty dude cheated. He had a two-headed coin. The nice guy didn't get the girl.
Philip: So, this story is about you, isn't it, Will?
Will: That's right, Uncle Phil. And to this day I just thank God I had my two-headed coin 'cause that girl was smoking, man.

Ashley: Well, Dougie's his hero. Didn't you have heroes when you were a kid?
Will: Yeah, Shaft.
Ashley: And how did you feel when you found out that Shaft wasn't real?
Will: What are you talking about? No, I'm saying, he was based on an actual guy.
Ashley: No, he wasn't.
Will: He was too, Ashley.
Ashley: Shaft is fictional, Will.
Will: I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Will: So, what's up, man? Are you gonna be all right?
Carlton: Still can't get over it, Will. If you hadn't pushed me, that bullet would have gotten me.
Will: Well, not necessarily. See, even if you stood right in front of me, he still could have hit me from my belly button up.

Will: So, what, you don't think I'm mad, huh? I'm laying up in this hospital an inch away from being paralyzed. You don't think I wanna get up and catch...
Carlton: Well, it's not gonna happen again, not to me.
Will: Carlton, Carlton. I understand that you're scared, man, but the world can be a scary place. You just got to learn how to deal with it.
Carlton: Yeah, well, I found my way.
Will: That's not you, man, that's them.
Carlton: Look, I didn't come here for your approval, all right? I came here to see how you were. I'm out of here.
Will: Carlton.
Carlton: No more hugs, Will.
Will: I saved your life, man. I saved your life. You owe me! Now, give me the gun, Carlton. Give me the gun. I saved your life. I want the gun.

Dr. Whitehorn: But look, for now before tomorrow's group session, I'd like to ask questions.
Will: Oh, cool, questions. Knock yourself out.
Dr. Whitehorn: Okay. Uh, where do you see yourselves ten years from now?
Will: Ah, that's an easy one. Ten years, I see us, you know kind of like the Huxtables, you know. Except I'm not gonna be delivering babies, I'm gonna be making them, you know what I'm saying? You know. But first, I figure we'd start out with Will, Jr., you know. Then Willfred, then Willoughby, then Willard, you know. Then Willis.
Lisa: Will, stop.
Will: "Will Stop"? [scoffs] That ain't no good name. Now, Willstafa, you know. That's strong, you know, like, kind of a Lion King kind of feel. You know, Will Simba.

Angela: We offer a number of packages here. Groove on this.
Will: Oh! Ooh, this is the bomb. Oh, I knew I liked this place. Baby, look, they got a package on my all-time idol.
Lisa: Who's that?
Will: Who's the Black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Lisa: Shaft?
Will: You're damn right.
Will: Oh, baby, he's been my idol ever since I was a kid. Can we have this one? Baby, can we have the Shaft package? Can we please do that one, baby, please?
Lisa: Well, okay, baby, but I don't wanna be given away by the pimp.
Will: But, baby, that's what makes the whole... All right, all right. [Lisa laughs] Give us the Shaft.

[band playing Isaac Hayes' "Theme from Shaft"]
Minister: Come, my children. [Lisa giggles] Who's the Black Philly man that's gonna Take this fine woman's hand
Backing singers: Smith
Will: That's fine, that's me, baby.
Minister: You're damn right Who is the man that's got some vows In his hand to tell his woman
Backing singers: Will Smith
Minister: Can you dig it?
Will: "Lisa, you're my sun, my moon, my stars. You're my whole universe. You make me feel complete. I wanna be with you forever..."
Backing singers: Smith
Minister: Sure enough.
Will: Right.