Hilary: I still can't understand.
Vivian: Sweetheart, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Hilary: No, I mean technically. Am I a widow or what? This is all my fault. If I hadn't asked for a special proposal, Trevor would be in my arms instead of in my purse. I love you, Trevor.
Will: Um, Hilary, Trevor wasn't cremated.
Hilary: Ew, then who's this?
Geoffrey: I'll see him to the door, Miss Hilary.

Philip: Sweetheart, it's commendable that you wanna improve your skills. You don't have to impress those newsletter people.
Hilary: I don't want to impress them. I want to smack them. Daddy, you're a judge. Can't you just throw them in jail or something?
Philip: Sweetheart, the worst thing you can do is blow this thing out of proportion. Now, if you ignore it, it will probably go away. Did you really refer to Hurricane Robert as Bobby?
Hilary: Well, Robert just sounded so serious.
Philip: It was serious, darling. It wiped out half of Miami.
Hilary: Well, excuse me for trying to spread a little sunshine.

Larry Wilmore: Uh, Ms. Banks, the film crew called and they said they're gonna be a little delayed. But in the meantime, Sylvia over there will give you your jobs.
Hilary: Oh, don't be silly. I already have a job. I'm a famous talk-show hostess. Well, not exactly famous but I would be if more people watched my show. But really, how famous was Oprah before she was famous?

Regis Philbin: Well, now, we usually start off the show by announcing our guests and then we have a little banter, go to a commercial, bring out the first guest.
Hilary: Well, that's a good way. But what if we do it the way we do it on my show? Which is we bring out the guest first and then we do that little banter thing later.
Regis Philbin: Again, we've been using this format for many, many years and it seems to work, you know? You know the old saying, "If it ain't broke"...
Hilary: I'm drawing a blank here.
Regis Philbin: Don't fix it.
Hilary: Fix what?
Regis Philbin: It. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Hilary: What's it? What are you talking about?
Regis Philbin: You know, maybe we'd better skip the banter altogether, you know?
Hilary: Big baby.

Hilary: Hello and welcome to Hilary. We're very excited today to have as our guest recently dismissed juror from the Show-Biz Madam Trial, George Howlings. Welcome.
George: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hilary: Well, I guess what we're all dying to know is why you were dismissed.
George: Well, you know, they told the press I was writing a book, but that's not it.
Hilary: Oh? Tell us what it really was.
George: Well, they said I was crazy, but I'm not crazy. But you wanna know who is crazy? Maybe I shouldn't say this on TV.
Hilary: Oh, come on, George. Just between you and me, who was crazy?
George: That lard-butt of a judge. That man is crazy as they come. What does it take to become a judge these days? Now, if you ask me, that man was very incompetent. Couldn't judge a beauty pageant. About as useless as a no-mouthed dog at a Frisbee contest. If I ever see him, I'll lower him like a cheap carpet. And it looked to me, he dozed off every now and then.
Hilary: George-
George: Probably dreaming about that bony-legged prosecutor. I think they got something going on. Ain't that right, Will Smith?

Geoffrey: Ah, Miss Hilary. Did you have a good time at the Save the Everglades fund raiser?
Hilary: Geoffrey, these events are not about having a good time. They're consciousness-raising experiences. When you hear about all of the species that are on the brink of extinction, it's grim, grave, and very sobering.
Toni: Tom Cruise was near tears.
Hilary: Oh, wasn't he gorgeous?

Hilary: Oh, isn't this cute? You two have so much in common. You both speak English.

Hilary: Well, I'm going to go mingle. The "A" list turned out tonight.
Geoffrey: Really?
Hilary: Look. That's Tom Cruise's pool cleaner. And that's Cher's electrolysist. And that's Heather Locklear.

Hilary: I've been thinking. And I decided that I'll do whatever you want me to do to make things better.
Philip: And exactly what would that be?
Hilary: I don't know. Whatever you want me to do.
Philip: Hilary, that's the problem. We've been making all the decisions for you. You're 21 years old. It's time for you to make your own decisions. If you weren't getting anything out of college and you wanted to drop out, you should have told us and not tried to hide it like a kid.
Hilary: But I thought you wanted me to go to college.
Vivian: We want you to go to college when you'll appreciate it. But it's not to make us happy. It's to make something of your life. We just want you to be all you can be.
Hilary: You want me to join the Army?

Hilary: [on the phone] Okay, that would be fantastic. All right. Also, I want to send a box of the fancy chocolate-covered pretzels to a Mr. Patrick Swayze. Right. And the card should read: "Pat, saw these and immediately thought of you. Love, Hilary. XXX." Okay, now, send the same thing to Kevin Costner, Michelle Pfeiffer and Sting. Great, thanks. [hangs up] Well, that takes care of the A-list. Now, should I send the box of pears or the meat thermometer to Steve Guttenberg?
Will: Hilary, I hate to inject some reality into these proceedings but who you trying to fool, baby?
Hilary: What do you mean?
Will: Hilary, you always walk around fronting like you know all these famous people. You don't know nobody.
Hilary: God, Will, you are so jaded and skeptical. You remind me so much of Judd Nelson.