Hilary: Okay. I did my budget just like you told me.
Vivian: Good for you. Let me see.
Hilary: Alright, this is the amount I made last week and these were my expenses. As you can see, I spent five times more than I made. This budget thing is pretty easy.

Hilary: Lady Penelope. Wow, it must be great being a Lady. I mean, spending all your time shopping, going to lunch with your friends and just sitting around being waited on hand and foot. I wonder what that would be like.
Geoffrey: [pouring Hilary's tea] One can only imagine.

Hilary: Hello. Rice Krispie Treats?
Carlton: What are you doing?
Hilary: Mom left me in charge, so I have to be responsible for all the children.
Carlton: We were in the middle of something.
Hilary: Come on, kids, let's have a little talk. [sits between Carlton & Michelle] Carlton, Michelle. I can remember what it was like to be your age. Your bodies are going through a lot of changes now and you're probably having a lot of feelings that you've never had before. But even though there's a lot of pressure from your peers, remember, you don't have to pet to be popular.
Michelle: Let's go to the mall.
Hilary: And who exactly is going to be at this mall?

Vivian: Hilary, you were doing so well at the art gallery.
Hilary: Yeah, but, Mom, it's not really a cool job. I mean, when I was a little girl, I always had this dream that when I grew up, I'd have a glamorous job in a glamorous office. And I'd go to parties and people would ask what I did and I'd tell them. And then I'd imagine them turning pea-green with envy and blurting out: "You are so lucky," and walking away eaten up inside because I had a fabulous job and they didn't.
Carlton: They say Gandhi had a very similar childhood dream.

Will: Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv. At least you have two normal daughters.
Hilary: [enters] I have been stabbed in the back. Is nothing sacred? Is there, like, no honor?
Vivian: Baby, what's the matter?
Hilary: Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.
Will: [scoffs] There is, like, no God, okay.
Vivian: And?
Hilary: Well, what do you mean, "And"? She expects me to take care of the rice they throw when they leave the church. Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding.

Francesca: I just don't see what's wrong with the dress.
Hilary: Francesca, remember the first day of junior high when you showed up in a reversible poncho? Who hid you under the bleachers?
Francesca: You did, Hilary.
Hilary: That's right, because I care about you. Remember freshman year? Do I need to bring up the culotte incident? [Francesca shakes her head] Then I think it's time we stopped the madness. Francesca, this dress, it's an abomination.
Francesca: What if we add a dickey?
Hilary: Why don't we just wear Wax Lips?
Francesca: Hilary, you haven't agreed with one thing I've picked for my wedding.
Hilary: Well, I agreed that you should wear white, and I think we all know that's a stretch.
Francesca: I guess you're right. So could you help me, please?
Hilary: Well, I guess I could come up with a few tips. Geoffrey, hit the lights.

Hilary: I don't believe it. I have never witnessed anything more humiliating in my life. Jilted at the altar. Other than crow's feet, that is the worst thing that can happen to a woman.
Vivian: Francesca was jilted?
Hilary: No, I was talking about me. All that hard work redesigning this dress, and that ingrate eloped. And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother.

Ashley: I've been through the whole neighborhood and I haven't sold one box of cookies. Even Shelley Winters turned me down.
Hilary: Look, what you need is a different sales strategy. Look, here's one that always worked for me: "Mister, I was going to sell you some cookies, but I tripped on your driveway and I think I broke my ankle. Could you please call my daddy? He's a lawyer. He'll know what to do."

Hilary: I give up. I can't get a job. I can't even pound the pavement right.
Will: Oh, I guess your interview didn't go too good, huh?
Hilary: It's just not fair. I want my employer to want me for me, not for what I've accomplished. You know what I mean?
Will: Yeah, Hil, I do and it scares the hell out of me.
Hilary: Tomorrow's just gonna be more of the same. I'm interviewing at a catering company, but I'll never get the job. Because it's a cold, cold world, Will. And unfortunately these people only want one thing.
Will: What? Your body?
Hilary: No, my résumé.

Alec: Lisa's the L.A. Chairperson for the National Board of Women.
Hilary: Oh, I did a lot for the women's group at my college.
Lisa: Really? Were you a member?
Hilary: Well, no. But I did talk several of them into shaving under their arms.