Philip: Carlton, it's after midnight. I don't need something to happen to you too.
Carlton: Well, there's nothing you can do about it. These things just happen, right?
Philip: Carlton, I know you're upset. You've been through a traumatic experience. Now, if you just calm down, we can talk about this rationally.
Carlton: You're always in control, aren't you? Always know what to do, always know what to say. But you know what gets me? The police aren't gonna find this guy. And even if they do, so what? He'll be out on the streets in six months.
Philip: That's not gonna happen.
Carlton: Come on, Dad, it's happened to people you put away.
Philip: But the legal system isn't perfect.
Carlton: Go talk to Will about our legal system. It's such a joke. People aren't even afraid of it.
Philip: Carlton. Look, I'm frustrated too. But as a judge, I have to have faith in it, no matter how much I wanna go out and knock some heads. Eventually the system will come through.
Carlton: I'm all grown up, Dad. Don't tell me any more fairy tales.

Janet: I need more ice.
Carlton: You need more ice, what?
Janet: I need more ice in my warm soda.
Carlton: You need more ice, please.
Janet: What did you say to me?
Gia: He said, "You need more ice, please."
Jazz: Heads up.
Carlton: Will, I'm sorry. I've got to say something. Janet, your behavior this evening has been completely unacceptable.
Will: Carlton.
Carlton: Where I come from, manners count for a lot. I'm sorry I've got to say this but I simply can't sit back and allow this rudeness to continue. You owe every one of us an apology, especially that poor waitress. And if you refuse, we're taking you home and continuing the evening without you. Do I make myself clear?
Will: [to Jazz] You know, I'm going to miss him.
Carlton: Do I make myself clear?
Janet: [instrumental music plays] Yes, Carlton.

Will: Well, here we are, C. Jazz's crib.
Carlton: Crib: house, dwelling, domicile.
Will: How did you know that? Hip-hop flash cards?
Carlton: I made them myself. I've been cramming all night. I just hope I can get it out of my head before I take the SATs.

Will: I'm gonna go test the lock on my door. Good night, Carlton.
Carlton: What do you mean, "Good night"? This is my time to gloat.
Will: Gloat?
Carlton: I won the bet. I humiliated you in front of your peers. Plus, you said I couldn't handle Compton, and I did. I'd say it's time to gloat.
Will: Good night, Carlton.
Carlton: See, you're just embarrassed because I beat you at your own game. Look, I never judge you for being the way you are, but you always act like I don't measure up to some rule of blackness that you carry around.
Will: Hold up. Wait a minute. You don't judge me? You do everything but carry a big old gavel around. I mean, you treat me like some kind of idiot just 'cause I talk different.
Carlton: Differently.

Carlton: What the heck is going on here?
Will: Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says she was a Vanilla Ice fan. I kind of lost my head.
Carlton: You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

Hilary: Carlton, will you quit?
Carlton: Quit: from the Latin, quietare, to be at rest or satisfied.
Hilary: He's been doing this all morning. It's really irritating.
Carlton: Irritate: from the Latin, irritare, to excite or stimulate.
Vivian: Okay, Carlton, that's enough.
Philip: Vivian, his PSATs are this morning. He's just trying to be prepared.
Carlton: Prepare: from the Latin, praeparare, to make ready.
Philip: Carlton, shut up.
Hilary: Shut up: from the big guy, your father.

Bob Eubanks: Thank you very much. Hello, everybody. Thank you. And welcome back to another edition of...
Audience: Double Trouble!
Bob Eubanks: All right, let's jump right into it and meet our first team. This guy likes music, basketball, and girls, and not necessarily in that order. He's a native of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Welcome Will Smith! Now, Will's partner is Bel-Air, California, born and bred. He's a fan of Tom Jones, mutual funds, and capital punishment. Say hello to Carlton Banks.

[flashback:]
Young Carlton: Mom, Dad, I've been thinking it over and I've decided what I want to be when I grow up.
Young Will: What, tall?
Young Vivian: That's nice, honey, what?
Young Carlton: President of the United States.
Young Philip: Well, that would make me very proud, Carlton. Imagine, my son, the country's first Black president.
Young Carlton: I'm Black?

Ed: Mr. Carlton Banks?
Carlton: Yo, what's up? [breaks Rubik's cube] Sorry.
Ed: That's all right. I've been looking through your transcript, Mr. Banks.
Carlton: Oh, you don't have to call me Mr. Banks. My posse calls me Rap Master C.
Ed: Excuse me?
Carlton: [raps] Rap Master is my name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same. [beatboxes] Didn't mean to dis you, can I get you a tissue? [beatboxes]
Ed: So, Rap Master I noticed that you are the treasurer of your young Republican Club.
Carlton: Three years running. But enough about that Bugie stuff. Let me teach you how to vogue. Strike a pose.
Ed: Mr. Banks, are you on some sort of medication?
Carlton: Let me teach you how to wear a hat.
Ed: Mr. Banks, please. Mr. Banks, you're nothing like what I expected.
Carlton: I'm not?
Ed: Your scores are topnotch and your grades couldn't be better.
Carlton: They are.
Ed: Unfortunately, at this time Princeton doesn't accept the clinically insane. Next!

Carlton: Will, pardon my tough love but this burning the candle at both ends is dumb, dumb, dumb.
Will: I know, Carlton. I just wish there was something else I could do. It's like there ain't enough hours in the day. Carlton, did you ever think about taking, you know, drugs?
Carlton: Will, you don't have to beat around the bush. I know exactly what you're getting at.
Will: You do?
Carlton: You see the volcano-sized pimple about to erupt on my forehead and you don't think vitamin E is strong enough.
Will: No, man. I mean, well, yeah, but... I mean, the kind of drugs that help you stay up.
Carlton: Up? You don't mean... [Will nods] Oh, this sex thing is even more complicated than I thought.
Will: You know what? Never mind, man.