Eric: So, Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Promise rings, concert tees... other stuff.
Eric: Really?
Kelso: That's nice.
Eric: Yeah. Okay, we'll take two rings and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

Eric: Mom, was Dad abducted by aliens and replaced by an identical creature programmed to love?
Kitty: Honey, this is breakfast. Don't ask me things.
Eric: He told me he loved me.
Kitty: Your father? No!
Eric: Yeah.
Kitty: I think I know what happened. I gave your father an early Valentine's Day card that said what a wonderful husband and father he is and it rhymed, and maybe it touched him. It didn't look like it touched him. He just- He got up and got a beer. But maybe deep down... deep, deep, deep down... something woke up. I am so glad he loves you.
Eric: Yeah, but, Mom, this is weird. He's never said that. Ever. One time I saved him from getting hit by a lumber truck and I think he was about to say it, but then he said "Get in the car." But how am I supposed to handle this? You think I should say it back? [Kitty nods] He's gonna hit me.
Kitty: [giddy] Maybe not.

Eric: Memorial Day, meningitis... Okay, here we go. Menopause.
Red: Good God! I didn't think they'd have pictures.
Eric: Well, at least they use the word "uterus" a lot.
Red: I could've gone a whole lifetime without knowing they had a mucus membrane.
Eric: Well, you just- You can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no. Look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh. Dad, I think you have menopause.

Kitty: Red, don't get upset so early. You won't enjoy your sausage and Tang.
Eric: Sausage and Tang? [chuckles] Is- Is that a little racy for breakfast?
Kitty: I don't get it.
Red: Well, I'm gonna leave before someone explains it.

Eric: How can Red do this to me? I swear to God, that man is always mad. I think the gene for joy might be stored in hair.
Donna: Well, there are a lot of angry bald men. Yul Brynner in The King and I.
Eric: Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman. Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze-
Donna: Eric. What did we talk about?
Eric: Every time I reference Batman, I owe you a geek dollar.
Donna: Yes. Thank you.

Eric: Oh, my God, Donna. Madison has a course called "The Social Significance of Jedi Culture."

[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Socket wrench.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: Drives the spaceship. Sits next to the hairy guy.
Eric: Han Solo.
[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Flathead screwdriver.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: I know this. Guy with the breathing problem.
Eric: "Guy with the breathing problem." This is Darth freaking Vader. Seriously, Dad, if you don't know the Dark Lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the Jedi warrior, then I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.

Eric: Now this, okay. This is what I'm talking about. That's a nice fork.
Donna: Eric, the handle is an actual deer hoof.
Eric: Yeah, that's the Cherokee collection. Donna, that's the Indian way. They kill the animal, then eat it with its own paw.
Donna: Okay, you know what? I have a new plan. I'll just go shopping, and then I'll show you what I pick.
Eric: So I don't get to go at all?
Donna: No. I'll just... I'll just do it myself.
Eric: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Kelso: Oh, Hyde, this is really getting to you. I mean, look at you, you're leaning forward, you got your sunglasses off, you're freaking out.
Jackie: Well, this is an emotional time for my Steven. His new daddy and his substitute daddy are in a tug-of-war for his heart.
Eric: Whoa, I thought we established that Hyde doesn't have a heart. It was, [points to Hyde] no heart, [points to Kelso] no brain, [points to himself] no courage.
Hyde: I'll just have to tell Red I can't take the job. I mean, he'll understand.
Kelso: Wait, I'm the scarecrow? He's the one who gets set on fire. Oh, yeah, that's me.

Red: Come on. Let's go tell your mom about our day. Oh, hey, where'd you learn all those fighting moves, by the way?
Eric: Spider-Man.
Red: I had to ask.