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Kelso's Career

‘Kelso's Career’

Season 4, Episode 17 -  Aired February 12, 2002

After Jackie tells Kelso to get a job to buy her a Valentine's gift, he starts making donations to a sperm bank. Red mysteriously tells Eric he loves him. Meanwhile, Donna agrees to go out with Kelso's brother, Casey (Luke Wilson).

Quote from Red

Kitty: So, Red, you big, old softy. [snickers] Did anything special happen yesterday?
Red: Special? Well, let's see. The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.
Kitty: Oh, no. Oh, my God. You don't remember what you said to Eric?
Red: Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.
Eric: [enters] All right, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so-
Kitty: Wait, Eric-
Eric: Mom, please. Dad, I...
Kitty: [slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!
Eric: you.
Red: [normal speed] Go to your room.


Quote from Eric

Eric: Mom, was Dad abducted by aliens and replaced by an identical creature programmed to love?
Kitty: Honey, this is breakfast. Don't ask me things.
Eric: He told me he loved me.
Kitty: Your father? No!
Eric: Yeah.
Kitty: I think I know what happened. I gave your father an early Valentine's Day card that said what a wonderful husband and father he is and it rhymed, and maybe it touched him. It didn't look like it touched him. He just- He got up and got a beer. But maybe deep down... deep, deep, deep down... something woke up. I am so glad he loves you.
Eric: Yeah, but, Mom, this is weird. He's never said that. Ever. One time I saved him from getting hit by a lumber truck and I think he was about to say it, but then he said "Get in the car." But how am I supposed to handle this? You think I should say it back? [Kitty nods] He's gonna hit me.
Kitty: [giddy] Maybe not.

Quote from Kelso

Jackie: You got a job? Michael, I am so proud of you.
Kelso: Well, now, if it wasn't for you pushing me, I would've never realized how good it feels to roll up my sleeves, get a little sweaty and earn some cash.
Jackie: Oh, this is so exciting! I can't wait to come visit you at work.
Hyde: That'll speed things up.
Jackie: What's he talking about?
Kelso: Oh. I've been selling my love nectar.
Jackie: What? Michael, you can't do that. You're hot. Women are gonna want to take your little Kelsos home.
Hyde: My God, she's right. Think about it. A world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair. There'll be feathered hair as far as the eye can see. We'll have to put padding on every sharp corner!
Kelso: Hey, those sharp corners can be hazardous, man. I mean, come on. It's 1978! Things should be round by now!

Quote from Jackie

Donna: He's gonna call me.
Jackie: You gave him your number?
Donna: Of course I... didn't. Damn it!
Jackie: Oh, that's okay. Kelsos never call. They're like dogs. They're cute, but they can't work a phone.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Hey, Jackie. I thought about what you said about making money so I can get you a Valentine's Day gift, right? And then I realized that it'd mean a lot more if I gave you something that I crafted with my own two loving hands.
[Kelso pulls out a rock with the number "831" painted on it]
Jackie: Oh, my God! It's horrible!
Kelso: No, it's an address rock. You put it on your lawn. [chuckles] Happy Valentine's Day, my love.
Jackie: Michael, a rock is not a romantic gift. And that's not even my address.
Donna: That's my address.
Kelso: No, it isn't.
Donna: That's my dad's address rock!
Kelso: No, it isn't! [grabs rock and runs out]

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: I can't believe that Jackie wants me to get a job. I mean, my plan has always been to coast through life on my good looks. I mean, look at me! It's like I was chiseled out of marble.
Eric: Okay, you guys, here goes. Dad.. I love you. I love you... Pop. Poppy? Pappy? Daddy? No.
Fez: Oh, I have to- I have to stop eating Rhonda's chocolates. [eats] Oh, it's hopeless. [drinks chocolate syrup]
Hyde: Kelso, if you need to make some quick cash, just sell your blood. And you! You've had enough of this!
Fez: No, I can stop anytime I want. I am not selling blood. [they struggle]
Kelso: There's no way that anything inside of my body is coming out for cash.
Eric: Well, that's too bad, Kelso, 'cause I hear there's this clinic in Madison that'll pay you for your, um, manly donations.
Kelso: Manly donations? No way! They'll pay you for that? Well, I'll do that. I'm good at that.

Quote from Eric

Kelso: Easiest money I ever made. They paid me 50 bucks for my underpants navy.
Hyde: You mean your corduroy commandos?
Fez: Yeah, your team from the inseam?
Eric: Your Battle-pants Galactica?
Hyde: Battle-pants Galactica.
Fez: Nice one.
Kelso: Wow.
Eric: It just came to me. Thank you.

Quote from Fez

Fez: Rhonda is going to be so disappointed. All that remains is one lonely candy. [removes cardboard layer] Look, more candies! It's a Valentine's Day miracle. Oh, candy... you've got me under your spell! [eats]

Quote from Eric

Eric: Hey, Dad. You want this?
Red: Thanks, Son. I love you.
Eric: I'm sorry. What?
Red: I love you. I really do.
Eric: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. [laughs] [runs upstairs]

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: "Do you have any serious medical conditions?" Puked after Crunch Berry eating contest.
Nurse: You know what? I'll just finish that for you.
Kelso: Thank you.
Nurse: Now, Mr. Chang you'll be in room two. Some of our clients prefer a magazine. Would you like one?
Kelso: Nah. Farrah was on Carson last night. I should be good to go.

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