Mediator: Eric, just a few more questions. Is your father ever unnecessarily angry?
[Red looks at Eric and gestures for him to smile]
Eric: Unnecessarily angry? Well- [clears throat] You know, what does "unnecessarily" mean really? I mean, my sister likes to put salt on roast beef, but I think it's unnecessary. I mean, why cover up the flavor of such a delicious meat?
Red: Just answer the question, dumbass! I mean... [laughs] Good work, Son.

Eric: All right, fine. Can we look at our ring inscriptions, or is that bad luck, too?
Donna: Well, no, that I have to look at so I can return it in case you wrote something stupid.
Eric: "To Eric, love Donna." Well, it's not stupid. It's short. It's terse. Quite possibly even a little rude.
Donna: "All my friends know the low rider." [chuckle] Um, I don't get it. Am I the low rider? Wait. What do you mean all your friends know me? Are you saying I'm a whore?
Eric: No, no, Donna. Low Rider is the song that was playing in the car at the end of our first date. Remember, you wore that red dress, and at the end of the night I kissed you, and I remember thinking, I just... You know, "I just can't believe she's with me."
Donna: Eric, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Take your pants off.
Eric: And that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Red: So how's the car?
Eric: Real good.
Red: By real good, you mean you rotated those tires like I asked you to?
Eric: Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?
Red: You being a smartmouth?
Eric: Yes, and I'm sorry.

Red: So, tell me about school.
Laurie: Oh, well, I've decided to major in philosophy.
Eric: That's good, because they just opened up that big philosophy factory in Green Bay.
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about being funny?
Eric: I'm not.
Red: That's right. Now, sweep the garage.
Eric: Yes, sir.

Eric: Well, uh... Sir, I was pulling out of this parking space. Well, creeping is more like it. I was creeping-
Red: You were screwing around, backed into a hydrant. I can see the paint marks.
Eric: No! And by "no," I mean "exactly." Yeah, but it wasn't my fault, sir. Kelso was giving me a-
Red: A what?
Eric: Kelso was giving me a purple nurple. It's when you grab somebody's nipple through their shirt and twist it really hard until it becomes purple.
Red: Give me the keys.
Eric: Dad, I-
Red: Your driving privileges are suspended until you learn some responsibility.
Eric: Dad, I'm very responsible.
Red: No. No, you're not. Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.

Donna: Thanks for, uh, holding my hair when I was...
Eric: Just thanks for missing my shoes.
Donna: Well, I... I guess I blew our big night.
Eric: Look, it's cool. I thought I was gonna blow it and then, I mean, you totally blew it. So, I mean, that's great.
Donna: You know, by telling me I blew it, you basically just blew it.
Eric: And I was doing so good here with the jacket and the coffee and holding your hair back. I was so in.
Donna: You're still in.
Eric: Look, Donna, I want to be your boyfriend. And you're all I ever think about. Will you wear my class ring?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Yes? [leans into kiss Donna]
Donna: You know, why don't we kiss on it later?
Eric: Oh, right. The vomit. No, wait. You know what? I don't care. You're my girlfriend. [kisses Donna]

Eric: Oh, my God. Did you hear that? It sounds like a bloody hook scraping against the back door. What's... What's wrong? You're like a million miles away.
Donna: I don't- I don't know. It's just that my parents are fighting like, all the time. It just makes me so mad. Like I want to kick their asses, but I can't. But I want to do something.
Eric: Okay. Take me, Donna.
Donna: What?
Eric: Go ahead. Take me. Punish your parents by using me for sex. Do your business and be done with it. Go ahead. Don't be shy. I can take it. But... God, do be gentle.
Donna: You didn't actually think that was gonna work, did you?
Eric: No, but I'm a virgin, and it's driving me crazy. But that's not your fault... No, wait. Yes, it is.

Eric: So, they're really gonna separate?
Donna: Yeah, but they're still gonna live together.
Eric: Oh. Wow. Are... Are you okay?
Donna: Yeah, but, I mean, that's just like the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I mean, how's that supposed to work?
Eric: Well, I imagine it'll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight, and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut. That worked out great.
Donna: Yeah. That solved all their problems.
Eric: Yeah. [Donna chuckles] I love you.
Donna: I love you, too.
Eric: All right, then. [Donna chuckles] [they kiss]

Eric: You know, Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No, I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
Donna: You know, being here, in your bed, on your... Spider-Man sheets, makes me feel so ready, so willing.
Eric: Then call me Able. Wait, wait. A little mood music.
[I Like Dreamin' by Kenny Nolan plays]
♫ I like dreamin' ♫ 'Cause dreamin' can make you mine ♫ I like dreamin' ♫ Dreamin' ♫
[Eric wakes up in bed:]
Eric: Damn.
Donna: What's wrong?
Eric: Ah! I mean... Hey, baby.

Donna: Okay. We'd better get back downstairs before people start wondering where we are.
Eric: Right. Oh... And we're gonna need a cover story, so... Yeah. Let's just tell everyone we had sex.
Donna: No.
Eric: Yeah, I know. I'm kidding. Uh... We'll say we went out for ice because... We needed to cool down from having sex!
Donna: Maybe I should do the talking.
Eric: Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in conversation, if it comes up.