Eric: So, Hyde, big job fair tomorrow. Oh, and you're in luck, 'cause I read that corporate America is experiencing a severe shortage of paranoid conspiracy nuts.
Hyde: I'm not a conspiracy nut, okay? My history, shop and gym teachers secretly started that rumor to discredit me.

Kitty: Where did you learn your parenting skills?
Red: Korea. Kitty, I am right about this.
Kitty: Red, you can't just force people to do what you want.
Red: Oh, see, that's one of those things that people say that's just not true. Like, "There's no place like home." Hell, I can think of a hundred places better than this.

Eric: How can Red do this to me? I swear to God, that man is always mad. I think the gene for joy might be stored in hair.
Donna: Well, there are a lot of angry bald men. Yul Brynner in The King and I.
Eric: Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman. Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze-
Donna: Eric. What did we talk about?
Eric: Every time I reference Batman, I owe you a geek dollar.
Donna: Yes. Thank you.

Kelso: Guys, something horrible happened.
Fez: Let me tell it. Kelso tried to charm a lady cop, and it didn't work. But she was all over me, boy. I'm like freaking catnip.
Kelso: Guys, today made me realize looks fade! I'm not- I'm not gonna be able to be a model forever! I'm gonna have to get a practical, realistic job like regular, ugly people. Okay, so what sounds better: wide receiver or spy?
Eric: Well, Kelso, I don't see why you couldn't just do both.
Kelso: You're right. It's the perfect cover.

Kitty: Okay. Okay, everybody! This is your last school field trip, so smile! [laughs] Okay, now wave hello to your futures. Hello, futures! [laughs] Okay, now wave good-bye to your mothers who loved you and gave you the best years of their lives. Now what are they gonna do? What? Tell me what I am supposed to do!
Eric: [to himself] You're supposed to take your little, yellow pill. That's what you're supposed to do.

Red: Well, lookee here. You know, if America's employers are looking for a pretty-boy moron, an engaged hophead and a mush-mouthed foreigner, they're gonna be jumping for joy.
Kelso: Wait a minute. Am I the pretty-boy moron?
Red: Yes.
Kelso: Cool, 'cause that's the best one.

Kelso: I guess being beautiful has its benefits.
Donna: Hey, shut up. I'm embarrassed.
Kelso: I'm talking about me, Donna. And the best thing about being beautiful is I can get work as a model. So I don't have to go to the job fair like the rest of you uggos.

Fez: Well, I cannot wait. Nina will be at the D.M.V. booth, which means that Fez will be making out during a school day. How many of you suckers have made out during a school day?[all hands go up] How many of you suckers have made out during a school day in the nude? [all hands go down] Then I will be nude.

Kelso: Oh, my God!
Fez: What? What?
Kelso: I got startled, 'cause I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I'm so handsome, I thought Shaun Cassidy was sitting in the backseat.
Fez: Yes. You are a beautiful male specimen. Except you have a gray hair.
Kelso: What? No, I don't- [siren wails] Dude, I hit a cop car.

Red: All right, Eric. Listen up. You know how your mother and I feel about you and Donna getting engaged. But since you won't listen to reason, I've come to a decision. If you don't cancel this engagement, I'm not paying for your college.
Eric: What?
Kitty: Because he loves you.
Red: No, he doesn't.
Kitty: Yes, he does. He's full of love. But it's buried, just like treasure.
Eric: Dad, how could you do this?
Red: Oh, it's easy. Instead of giving $4,000 to a college, I leave my checkbook in the drawer, count my money and laugh like a little girl.
Eric: Fine. [exits]
Kitty: He laughs because he loves you!