Red: Okay, get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric: Under there? But it's all spidery.
Red: Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass.

Hyde: [siren wails] Whoa, it's the Five-O. Better go hide my stash. [off Kitty's look] Comic books. And comic book paraphernalia.

[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Socket wrench.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: Drives the spaceship. Sits next to the hairy guy.
Eric: Han Solo.
[Red picks up a tool]
Eric: Flathead screwdriver.
[Eric picks up an action figure]
Red: I know this. Guy with the breathing problem.
Eric: "Guy with the breathing problem." This is Darth freaking Vader. Seriously, Dad, if you don't know the Dark Lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the Jedi warrior, then I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.

Kelso: Afternoon, civilians.
Fez: Where's my frog, you son of a bitch?
Kelso: Well, the good news is I let him loose. And the bad news is he hopped in front of an 18-wheeler. Now, he dodged the first wheel, but the last 17 got him.

Kitty: I'm sorry. I can't imagine who would've called the police.
Bob: It's about time you showed up. These two were making so much noise, I couldn't enjoy my program.
Kitty: Bob, you really had to call the police?
Bob: Sorry, Kitty, but how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?

Eric: Hey, Dad, that was pretty cool how I shut off all the water in the house, huh?
Red: Yeah, you really instill a lot of confidence, muttering "lefty loosey, righty tighty" the whole time. Okay, let's get started. Now, this is a wrench.
Eric: Dad, I think I know what tools are.
Red: Good. Then grab the Philips head.
Eric: Uh, shouldn't I buy Philip a drink first? [laughs] Come on! We're just a couple guys having some fun on the job, lighten up. Get a little "lefty-loosey".
Red: Do you even know what a Philips head screwdriver is?
Eric: I know it's a screwdriver. Now.

Eric: I just realized something. After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold the flashlight for me. "Lower, dumbass!" All right, I'm in. I'm just gonna loosen the... Spider! Big one! Oh, my God, it touched me!
Red: A Brillo pad? You were afraid of a Brillo pad?
Eric: It bit me.
Red: Boy, somewhere down the line I failed with you. You know, I think it was that one day when you were 10 and I caught you with those dolls.
Eric: They were action figures.

Hyde: Hey, check it out, guys, it's Sergeant Crossing Guard. Rough day on the crosswalk, Sarge?
Kelso: I'm not a crossing guard, Hyde, I'm a police officer in training. Read the badge.
Eric: You mean your paper name tag?
Kelso: No, I mean my badge. This symbolizes all the authority of the Point Place police department. Ah, how'd it get ripped?
Donna: Hey! Your first case.
Kelso: Get this. Tomorrow I get to go on a ride-along in a real police car. I get to see all the crime as it happens.
Hyde: Yeah, this town is a hotbed for criminal activity.
Donna: Hey, let's not forget the great ten-speed robbery of '74.
Eric: Yeah, or that criminal mastermind who stole my mom's garden gnome.

Jackie: Guys, I have very exciting news. I'm in a mentor programme for little girls, kind of like a Big Sister thing. And there's someone here who's very anxious to meet you. Come here. Isn't she cute? I call her Little Jackie.
Colette: For the last freaking time, my name is Colette.
Jackie: I'm trying to like her, she's just a little mouthy.
Donna: Jackie, why would you be a Big Sister?
Jackie: Well, it's a community service project for school. It was either this or helping out at a senior center. And you know how gray hair gives me nightmares.
Colette: Can I leave now? There's nothing to do.
Jackie: Here, take these pictures of me and put them in order of cuteness, from "Very cute" to "It's just not fair she's so cute."
Colette: Lame, lamer, lamest.

Laurie: Get away from me!
Fez: I bet that's the first time you said that to a man. Don't you walk out that door. Don't you walk through that door! [both exit]
Red: What the hell was that all about?
Kitty: Oh, they have been fighting like that all morning. Sometimes he even yells at her in his native language. I believe the main idea is, she gets around.
Eric: Ah, to be young and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.