Eric: I just spent six hours registering for wedding gifts. The only reason I'm here now is I pretended to choke on ice cream.
Red: I'll let you in on a little secret for when you're shopping with women. Always pick the ugliest, worst choice, and you're off the hook. That's how I got out of shopping for this couch.
Eric: There was an uglier couch than this?
Red: The one I picked had dragons on it.
Eric: Wow, you're sneaky. You know, you act like you're all about brute force, but you're a finesse player, man.
Red: Trust me, son. Don't budge until you hear the magic words, "Oh, I'll just do it myself."
Kitty: [enters] You're done registering already? You men, you just don't know how to shop. You know, your father once tried to get me to buy a couch with dragons on it.
Red: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Red: Reading another one of your dirty girl books?
Kitty: They're not dirty, they're romantic.
Red: Mutiny From Behind.
Kitty: Yeah. The mutiny sneaks up on her.
Red: I don't think that's what it means.
Kitty: Well, it is a wonderful book. It's got pirates and action. Oh, oh, oh! It has this hilarious parrot that says the most inappropriate things. [laughs]
Red: [reads] "The pirate's vessel slowly sailed into the harbor of San Sebastian island. His saucy prisoner's alabaster breasts heaving with every motion of the tall, rigid ship." [out loud] San Sebastian island. I think I killed some commies there.

Eric: Now this, okay. This is what I'm talking about. That's a nice fork.
Donna: Eric, the handle is an actual deer hoof.
Eric: Yeah, that's the Cherokee collection. Donna, that's the Indian way. They kill the animal, then eat it with its own paw.
Donna: Okay, you know what? I have a new plan. I'll just go shopping, and then I'll show you what I pick.
Eric: So I don't get to go at all?
Donna: No. I'll just... I'll just do it myself.
Eric: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Red: [reads] "After throwing the evil pirate king overboard, the Duke turned to Lady Daphne, pulled his sword from its sheath and held it erect. Lady Daphne touched it tentatively, and a shudder went through the Duke."
Fez: So you like those books, too, Mr. Red?
Red: All right, fine. So you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in.

Kelso: So I was daydreaming during this civil rights lecture at the police academy, and I came up with a great idea for an invention, adult strollers. Why walk when someone can push you?
Donna: Kelso, that's a wheelchair.
Kelso: All right, it's official. Everything's been thought of!

Kelso: Okay. I got another invention. Bicycles with engines.
Hyde: That's a motorcycle.
Kelso: Okay, fine. Bicycles without engines.
Hyde: That's a bicycle.
Kelso: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's got the chair on it.
Hyde: And we're back to wheelchair.

Jackie: Hey, guys. What's up?
Hyde: Oh, hey. We were just talking about slutty cheerleaders in other schools.
Jackie: You never want to talk about that.
Hyde: Well, I've finally come around, darling.
Jackie: [gasps] Are those wedding gift catalogs?
Hyde: Damn it.
Jackie: For our wedding, Steven and I...
Hyde: Jackie, no.
Jackie: Steven, we have to...
Hyde: No.
Jackie: A good bride and groom...
Hyde: [picks Jackie up] That's it. You're done. [carries Jackie out and locks the door]
Donna: Now why didn't someone do that five years ago?
Hyde: She used to bite.

Red: The Adventures of Lydia and Master Bates. [reads out loud] "Master Bates had lived alone on an island for years, with only himself for company." I should give this one to the foreign kid.

Eric: Hey, Donna, when we register for our wedding, can we register for a trampoline? My mom won't let me have a trampoline.
Fez: If I'd known about registering when I married Laurie, I would have registered for a wife who wants to have sex with me.
Donna: Eric, you know, people only register for stuff that's used in serving, eating and clearing of a meal.
Eric: Why is it always about eating?
Donna: Because marriage signifies the end of trying to be attractive.
Kelso: Man, registering sucks. I had to register with Jackie for her sweet sixteen. Longest five months of my life.
Donna: Look, all I know is, you guys are gonna buy whatever wedding present we tell you, and none of this all-going-in-on-one-gift crap.

Hyde: Hey, hey, shut it, huh? No talk about weddings. Jackie's on her way over.
Eric: She's not here now.
Hyde: She doesn't have to hear the word "wedding." She can sense that it was said.
Kelso: I wish I could do that. I mean, not so much with words, but so that I could see through people's clothes.
Hyde: Look, you two start yapping about your wedding, Jackie gets all, "Steven, when are we getting married?" Then I have to say we're not getting married, and then she kicks me in my shins. From the knees down, I'm like a freaking POW.
Fez: No, you have magnificent legs. I would say W-O-W. Wow.