Eric: I just spent six hours registering for wedding gifts. The only reason I'm here now is I pretended to choke on ice cream.
Red: I'll let you in on a little secret for when you're shopping with women. Always pick the ugliest, worst choice, and you're off the hook. That's how I got out of shopping for this couch.
Eric: There was an uglier couch than this?
Red: The one I picked had dragons on it.
Eric: Wow, you're sneaky. You know, you act like you're all about brute force, but you're a finesse player, man.
Red: Trust me, son. Don't budge until you hear the magic words, "Oh, I'll just do it myself."
Kitty: [enters] You're done registering already? You men, you just don't know how to shop. You know, your father once tried to get me to buy a couch with dragons on it.
Red: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Red: [reads] "After throwing the evil pirate king overboard, the Duke turned to Lady Daphne, pulled his sword from its sheath and held it erect. Lady Daphne touched it tentatively, and a shudder went through the Duke."
Fez: So you like those books, too, Mr. Red?
Red: All right, fine. So you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in.

Red: Reading another one of your dirty girl books?
Kitty: They're not dirty, they're romantic.
Red: Mutiny From Behind.
Kitty: Yeah. The mutiny sneaks up on her.
Red: I don't think that's what it means.
Kitty: Well, it is a wonderful book. It's got pirates and action. Oh, oh, oh! It has this hilarious parrot that says the most inappropriate things. [laughs]
Red: [reads] "The pirate's vessel slowly sailed into the harbor of San Sebastian island. His saucy prisoner's alabaster breasts heaving with every motion of the tall, rigid ship." [out loud] San Sebastian island. I think I killed some commies there.