Morty Seinfeld Quotes   Page 2 of 8    

Quote from The Wallet

Uncle Leo: Hello. Hello.
Jerry: Hi, Uncle Leo.
Uncle Leo: I just talked to Dr. Debrow's son. He said they almost had to call the police.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.
Uncle Leo: You know how hard it was for me to get that appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.
Morty Seinfeld: All right, Leo.
Uncle Leo: And you walked out without paying.
Morty Seinfeld: How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.


Quote from The Watch

Jerry: Will you let me pay just once?
Morty Seinfeld: You're out of your mind.
Jerry: How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
Morty Seinfeld: Don't worry about it.
Jerry: What are you gonna do?
Morty Seinfeld: What's the difference? We'll figure something out.
Helen Seinfeld: You're not paying.
Jerry: All right, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom. [walks away]
Morty Seinfeld: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?

Quote from The Watch

George: Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.
Jerry: Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet.
George: You're kidding.
Jerry: He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
George: Man, would I like to see the look on his face.
[Jerry gives his parents a final wave. They wave back.]
Morty Seinfeld: You believe this?
Helen Seinfeld: What?
Morty Seinfeld: It's Velcro.
Helen Seinfeld: You're kidding.
Morty Seinfeld: Who needs this? [throws it in the trash] Leo, let's go.
[As Helen and Morty get in Leo's car, he passes by the trash can and gives it a second look. He sees the new wallet and pockets it.]

Quote from The Wife

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone with Jerry] Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
Morty Seinfeld: [also on the line] Why the hell didn't you tell us?
Jerry: Listen, Ma...
Meryl: It was in here yesterday!
Jerry: Yeah, that's what I said!
Helen Seinfeld: Who is she? When did this happen?
Morty Seinfeld: I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, you're talking too loud.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm not talking loud!
Helen Seinfeld: You're hurting my eardrum.

Quote from The Raincoats

Kramer: So how did you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
Morty Seinfeld: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Kramer: How serendipitous.
Morty Seinfeld: So that night, I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
Kramer: Mmm.
Jerry: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized.

Quote from The Kiss Hello

Morty Seinfeld: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, Morty, please.
Morty Seinfeld: S663.45. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over 53 years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a 10-year T-bill-
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, will you stop it!
Morty Seinfeld: Well, he's not getting away with this!

Quote from The Kiss Hello

Jerry: [on the phone] Hi, mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.
Morty Seinfeld: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.
Helen Seinfeld: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.
Jerry: Okay, I will.
Morty Seinfeld: Do you realize an above-average performing growth mutual fund for 53 years...

Quote from The Doodle

Morty Seinfeld: Hey, how do you like this?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Morty, let's go. This is too nice.
Morty Seinfeld: Hey, this is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey, look, macadamia nuts.
Helen Seinfeld: Macadamia nuts?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. You know what these cost? They're like 80 cents a nut.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, are you sure this is all right?
Jerry: Yeah. It's all taken care of.
Morty Seinfeld: [o.s.] Hey, they got a phone in the john here!

Quote from The Shower Head

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
Jerry: You gotta be there at 4:30.
Morty Seinfeld: But it comes on 11:30.
Jerry: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.
Morty Seinfeld: How long they been doing this?
Jerry: 30 years.
Morty Seinfeld: [shouts] Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.

Quote from The Shower Head

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello.
Morty Seinfeld: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.
Jerry: Oh, hi Dad.
Morty Seinfeld: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? [breaking glass] What was that?
Jerry: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?
Morty Seinfeld: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.
Jerry: But it's a big complex.
Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.

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