Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.
Jerry: That's what I was thinking.

J. Peterman: And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh...
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.
J. Peterman: [laughs] Funny you should ask, Elaine.
Morty Seinfeld: Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here?
J. Peterman: It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...
Morty Seinfeld: [stands up] Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finished with his story.
J. Peterman: Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes.
Morty Seinfeld: Cheap fabric and dim lighting: that's how you move merchandise.
J. Peterman: Morty, you're out.
Morty Seinfeld: Ah, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.

Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
Jerry: Stairmaster?
Morty Seinfeld: What?
Jerry: Nothing.
Morty Seinfeld: [opens his tracksuit] See what I'm wearing? [Morty's wearing the #1 Dad t-shirt]
Jerry: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
Morty Seinfeld: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.

Jerry: Are you sure you can't stay longer?
Morty Seinfeld: No, we just came up for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was ninety-six years old.
Morty Seinfeld: That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape.
Helen Seinfeld: That's why we joined a program. We walk once around the block three times a week.
Morty Seinfeld: And every morning I eat a plum.
Jerry: Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out.

Morty Seinfeld: Ooh, it's a radar detector.
Jerry: Radar detector. I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour. You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
Morty Seinfeld: This looks like too much money.
Jerry: No, I got it from a guy on the street. It was like 50 bucks.
Morty Seinfeld: You think it's hot?
Jerry: Could be.
Morty Seinfeld: Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm right here.

Jerry: You can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
Morty Seinfeld: So I can use it to figure out the tip?
Jerry: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
Morty Seinfeld: Helen, we can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.

Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check.
Maitre d': Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back?
Morty Seinfeld: No, no, he won't let me do that.
Maitre d': Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, unsuspectingly?
Morty Seinfeld: He could wash them.
Maitre d': Monsieur, we are running a reputable business.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!
Maitre d': Aha, but you did not give them away, did you?
Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand my...
Maitre d': Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your family, ah.

J. Peterman: Now, down to business. I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf.
Elaine: Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.
Morty Seinfeld: A thousand?! I know a couple of Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.
Elaine: It's, uh, Asian-Americans.
Morty Seinfeld: What?
J. Peterman: Who are you?
Elaine: Don't worry, I...
Morty Seinfeld: Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman.
Elaine: Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
J. Peterman: Elaine, did you hire this man?
Elaine: No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.

Helen Seinfeld: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty Seinfeld: You know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
Helen: Idiot. [to Jerry] So who are you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got nothing to do with it.
Morty Seinfeld: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty Seinfeld: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson...

Morty Seinfeld: Well, go up to the office.
Helen Seinfeld: Up to her office?
Morty Seinfeld: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
Jerry: I guess...
Morty Seinfeld: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.
Jerry: You mean "stake out" the lobby?
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!
Morty Seinfeld: He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.
Helen Seinfeld: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her?
Morty Seinfeld: He pretends he bumped into her!
Jerry: You know what? This is not that bad an idea.