Elaine: Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.
Morty Seinfeld: What's not to understand?
Elaine: Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm very comfortable working out of the house. I have a phone. We have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself.
Elaine: Where is your resume?
Morty Seinfeld: I don't have it. I'll mail you one.
Elaine: All right, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?
Morty Seinfeld: You sell clothes here, don't you?
Elaine: Yeah.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, I sold raincoats in the garment center for thirty-eight years. In 1949...
Elaine: All right. All right, all right. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.
Morty Seinfeld: You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at 4:00, I could be here as early as 4:25.

Jerry: This is quite a condo.
Morty Seinfeld: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
Jerry: The crepe place?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
Jerry: There's crepe money?

Morty Seinfeld: Another fine meal. And now for my Wizard tip calculator.
Jerry: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. I can't get it open.
Helen Seinfeld: Yay, Jerry got it open.
Morty Seinfeld: The service was slow, and God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4 percent sound?
Jerry: Well, your tip is $4 and 36.6666 cents.
Morty Seinfeld: We'll round down.

Morty Seinfeld: I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.
Helen Seinfeld: Leo says he's the best there is.
Morty Seinfeld: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!
Helen Seinfeld: You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?
Morty Seinfeld: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. [returns to the form] Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's it! [goes to the counter] Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

Sid: Somebody call an ambulance.
Morty Seinfeld: There's already an ambulance here for Mrs. Glickman. There's room for one more.

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo election.
Jerry: Right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
Morty Seinfeld: I was never impeached. I resigned.
Helen Seinfeld: Even so, the press would bury him.
Jerry: What press?
Helen Seinfeld: The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze.
Morty Seinfeld: Pinko commie rag.

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone] Congratulations, they're doing the show.
Morty Seinfeld: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena: the Warrior Princess. She must be about 6'6".
Helen Seinfeld: She's not 6'6".
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, you ever watch that?
Jerry: Yeah, it's pretty good.

Man: I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline.
Morty Seinfeld: You've got your degree. They don't care. They just want to see something.

Morty Seinfeld: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.
Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out?
Morty Seinfeld: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.
Receptionist: I know, it's very long.
Morty Seinfeld: [to Helen] Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this?

Helen Seinfeld: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
Jerry: What?
Helen Seinfeld: What? Nothing.
Jerry: You don't think...? What? The pony remark?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
Jerry: You don't think that I killed her?
Morty Seinfeld: You know what the flight back'll cost us?
Jerry: It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony!
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe we can get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.