Ron Swanson: Lucy, I have something to tell you. I am a liar.
Lucy: What?
Ron Swanson: Well, no, I am not a liar. I have never lied about anything in my life. Though I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.
Lucy: What is happening right now?
Ron Swanson: Tom wanted to convey that he likes you a great deal. So he said that he could imagine marrying you. And living on an island with your kids.
Lucy: Wait, now we're on an island? With kids? Plural?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Now, do you know where I can find those little ham balls?

Ron Swanson: We need to highlight April's strengths. I thought we could update her resume. This is the one she applied to Parks with. It's just a signed photograph of a puppet named Alf.

April: I know you normally hate foundations, but this one I think you'll actually like. We take people that don't know what they want to do and then put them to work doing cool stuff all over the world, and I start in a couple months.
Ron Swanson: Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging, but you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.
April: It's definitely the job I wanted... But it means that we have to move to Washington.
Ron Swanson: Well... then bully for you. If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house, the one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant, for emergencies.
April: Okay.
Ron Swanson: Good talk.

Andy: Hello, Carpenter Ron. How are you doing?
Ron Swanson: My contract is very specific. I do not have to answer that question. This week I am making a shadowbox frame, which can be used to display an object of great value. This one is constructed with American cherry wood.
Andy: Cherry, huh? Now, I have just one question--
Ron Swanson: No, the wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.
Andy: I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron. I was going to lick it. Always remember, kids, when you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it.
Ron Swanson: That is incorrect in a number of ways.
Andy: [groans]
Ron Swanson: I sure have had some fun making things with you, son. Thank you for everything you've done for the children of this area.
Andy: You're welcome, Carpenter Ron. Hey, kids, this, to me, seems like a... [sings] Hug moment
Ron Swanson: You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Donna: Buck up, Swanson. It's like you said, death is natural. And Sal lived a good, long life.
Ron Swanson: But so much is changing, and I've never been a fan of change. Salvatore was a constant in my life.
Ron Dunne: In my experience, the only constant is change.
Ron Swanson: Oh, [bleep.
Ron Dunne: Nice to see you, Ron. I couldn't help but overhear. Sure am sorry about your loss. Every time we lose a compadre, our collective lantern gets a little bit dimmer.

Ron Swanson: Andrew, stop speaking to this man. He is the worst human being on Earth.
Ron Dunne: Oh, come on. Death makes brothers of us all. I've always found that when my soul aches with loss, it's best to turn to Eastern wisdom.
Ron Swanson: This is from the Isle of Islay in Scotland. This is as Eastern as my wisdom gets.

Donna: Swanson, this handsome spiritual cowboy may actually be right about turning to the East. I have an idea. Trust me?
Andy: Who cuts your hair?
Ron Dunne: Nobody. Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey, it simply sheds itself off.
Ron Swanson: I hate you so much.
Ron Dunne: And I love you, my brother.

Ron Swanson: In any case, I subdued her rather easily and Diane tied her to this chair. We were in the middle of sterilizing the place with bleach when you called.
Leslie Knope: What are you gonna do with her?
Ron Swanson: I'll probably put a note around her neck and leave her down at the fire station.

Leslie Knope: Thank you very much for doing this for me, Ron.
Ron Swanson: It was easy. I just called all your friends and told them I thought you needed a little help. They cleared their schedules.
Leslie Knope: I miss you very much, and I love you. Now, go take Tammy to the fire station.
Ron Swanson: We actually just covered her in deer fat and left her out for the wolves.
Leslie Knope: Ron!
Ron Swanson: Don't worry. She's fine. She chewed through her ropes and went running off into the night. I'm actually a little worried for the wolves.

Leslie Knope: Raise your hand if you want waffles.
Jerry: I'm eating waffles.
Ron Swanson: Bacon and eggs, please and thank you.