Councilman Jamm: Councilman, Pawneeans, satisfied customers of Jamm Orthodontics, as we discuss what type of park to put on lot 48, I had a thought. How about no park? Who here thinks parks are stupid? Let the record show that everyone is raising their hands. I happen to know for a fact that Pawnee's favorite fast food restaurant, Paunch Burger, needs a new location. Now, seeing as how the future of lot 48 is open for debate, I move we sell it to Paunch Burger for a nice profit. You don't even have to be Asian to do math that simple.
April: You told me you wanted a dog park.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, psych.
April: That's not fair. You lied to me.
Councilman Jamm: You just got jammed.
Leslie Knope: Ugh, I hate when he says that.

Councilman Jamm: Hey. What the hell is going on?
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello, Councilman. The dogs are here because there's no dog park in your neighborhood, and the kids are here because there's no human park in your area. They all needed a place to play.
Councilman Jamm: My front lawn?
April: That's right, and they're gonna keep using it until there's an actual park nearby.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, hey, lady, get that thing off my gnome. He is dry-humping my garden gnome. Stupid beast.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm, we just need a little bit more time to design our park. And, if you plow through and ignore us, this is gonna be your life.
Councilman Jamm: I'll call the police.
Ann: Yeah, sic the police on a bunch of kids and puppies. That's a great photo op.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Gentleman's agreement. In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote. Winner take all.
Leslie Knope: Deal.
Councilman Jamm: Great, now call off the actual dogs. I want these kids off my lawn. I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette. Right now.
Leslie Knope: Hey, Jamm. You just got Knoped. And Ludgated. And Perkinsed.
Councilman Jamm: Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work. You just got jammed.

Leslie Knope: Jamm, what the hell are you doing?
Kathryn Pinewood: We're laying the groundwork for Pawnee's newest restaurant.
April: "Future home of Paunch Burger. Start drooling, fatties"?
Leslie Knope: Look, the deal was that both of us had three months to get our proposals together, and then we put it up for a vote. We still have two weeks left.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, that's true. However, here's the problem. Turns out, I don't care. You can't stop this train. Make all the ruckus you want. By the time this all gets cleared up, the people will be frothing at the mouth for that beef.
Man: Aw, sweet! A new Paunch Burger.
April: Their burgers will kill you! They're full of wasps!
Man: Yeah, but they taste real good.

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Tweep. I tweeped. I called Tweep.
[cut to:]
Councilman Jamm: Look, I'm telling the truth here, lady. We haven't found any American Indian artifacts. Or regular Indian. Japanese, Muslim, Jewish, none of those weird countries.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Weird countries?
Leslie Knope: Shauna Malwae-Tweep. Wow, I'm so glad that you're here. [chuckles] What's going on? Nothing?
Construction Worker: Found something! There's other stuff too. Arrowheads, more pottery. I also found some weird-looking gummy candy.

Ken Hotate: You and Leslie had a deal. If that deal is not restored, well, I believe there are six Paunch Burgers in the Wamapoke casino. Perhaps it's time that we revisited those contracts.
Kathryn Pinewood: Is that a threat?
Ken Hotate: Why, yes, I-- I thought that was obvious.
Kathryn Pinewood: Take the sign down. We'll wait until everything's official.
Leslie Knope: In the spirit of fair play, I suggest we put on these authentic Wamapoke headdresses and dance around the table.
Councilman Jamm: Absolutely not. That sounds highly offensive.
Ken Hotate: Does it, white man?
Councilman Jamm: No. It's not offensive. So let's do it.
Ken Hotate: You first.
Councilman Jamm: So clearly, this is not offensive.
Ken Hotate: It is offensive.
Councilman Jamm: I am very sorry.
Ken Hotate: Take it off.

Chris: And... it is a wrap. Everyone in Pawnee is dead.
Ann: Including Councilman Jamm.
Councilman Jamm: What? No, no, you can't do that.
Ann: It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about.

Leonard Tchulm: Ms. Knope, I'm afraid I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. This was bad. Fort Wayne bad.
Leslie Knope: Bummer. Thank you for your time. I think we're done here. I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine.
Leslie Knope: I can't hear you. I'm a ghost.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed!

Leslie Knope: Hey, everything going okay?
Donna: Everything would be peachy if it weren't for that dumbass with a megaphone.
Councilman Jamm: [chanting] No one wants a park here. Parks are stu-pid. [talking] Hey, butter-teeth, what's up? I can fix those chompers for you. Just come to Jamm Orthodontics.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm, what are you doing here?
Councilman Jamm: What are you doing here? Parks are stu-pid.
Leslie Knope: Hey, enough.
Councilman Jamm: You better give me back that megaphone. That belongs to my aunt.
Leslie Knope: Why don't I call you a cab?
Councilman Jamm: Mm. No, this isn't over, Knope.
Leslie Knope: It is over. I won fair and square. And, in a half an hour, I am getting married over there to the most perfect man in the world. And all my dreams are coming true. [chanting] Knope rules, Jamm sucks. Knope rules, Jamm sucks. Knope rules, Ja-- Councilman Howser.
Councilman Howser: Leslie. Jeremy.
Councilman Jamm: You better make sure my aunt gets her megaphone back.

Councilman Jamm: Boo, boo. Boo, Leslie Knope, boo. Here comes the boo All dressed in boo Boo, Leslie Knope. Boo, boo-oo-oo-oo Boo!
Ben: Dude, what are you doing?
Councilman Jamm: I'm being awesome. Boo, boo, Leslie, boo.
Ron Swanson: My friend, I don't think you understand what a bad idea this is.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think you understand that I would have got a cut of that new Paunch Burger if she hadn't screwed everything up. So sorry, guys! This wedding is canceled, 'cause the bride is a b-hole.
Leslie Knope: Hey!
Councilman Jamm: Check this out. Stink bomb! Who knows what that does?
Ann: Stink bomb? Are you joking?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God! Where did you even get a stink bomb?
Councilman Jamm: Amazon, baby, that's how. You are looking at a Prime customer, everybody. Two days free shipping for this guy.

Councilman Jamm: Well, this turned out better than I ever imagined. You got Jammed by your own team. Self-Jamm! I'll see you in court, Swanson, and, uh, bring your checkbook.
Ron Swanson: I would like to punch you in the face again.