Leslie Knope: Animal control has long been a repository for some of this government's most incompetent employees. Jerry Gergich got his start there.
All: Well.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, so our new director needs to be competent, effective, and not completely stoned all the time.
Councilman Jamm: I'm way ahead of you there, girly. I got the perfect guy. Friend of mine, bit of an alcoholic, a little grabby, either a war hero or war criminal, depending on who you ask, but a good dude.
Chris: How do you know him?
Councilman Jamm: I do his teeth. A few coffee stains up front, but his canines are insane.
Leslie Knope: Gosh, Jeremy, he sounds perfect. Are his gums great too?
Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah. They are excellent, beet red.

Mr. Palletta: How many more questions are there gonna be? Jamm said if I got my teeth whitened, I'd just get the gig.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, ga ga ga--ho. Hold up, that's enough. Thank you, you're done. You did a heck of a job, Vernie.
Mr. Palletta: Thanks, Jimbo.
Councilman Jamm: Not bad, right? I mean, if he can catch raccoons as well as he can teach six-year-olds to pop and lock, he's a home run.
Leslie Knope: That is an insane statement.

Councilman Jamm: You once posted a video of yourself drinking alcohol in City Hall while you were still a minor. How do you justify that?
April: Easily. Alcohol is delicious and fun..
Leslie Knope: ...damentally a substance that should not be abused. I agree, April. Very good point.
Councilman Jamm: Wow. Ms. Ludgate, are you a ventriloquist? I mean, that is amazing how you make your words come out of Ms. Knope's mouth. Would you like to put her on your knee? I mean, that'd be really fun.

Chris: Councilman, you have to admit that that idea makes a lot of sense.
Councilman Jamm: Hang on a second. You seem to be forgetting that I already told Vern he got the job, and he already bought a new speedboat.
Leslie Knope: Well, I hope he kept a receipt. That was a brilliant idea from a dark, tortured genius, and I move that Animal Control be absorbed into Parks and Rec.
Councilman Howser: I second that.
Leslie Knope: Yay! Look at that, April. You won over Jamm.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, no, she didn't. I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

Leslie Knope: Well, Howser is with me. Milton is with Dexhart. Jeremy, you're the swing vote. What do you think?
Councilman Jamm: Hmm. Well, on the one hand, I love cutting government programs. On the other hand, mini-golf rules. And on the third hand, I hate both you and Ron Swanson. So this one could go either way. I'm kind of a badass wild card.
Leslie Knope: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Councilman Jamm: More like who am I doing? [chuckles] No one. I'm free. What's up?

Leslie Knope: Councilman, nice putter.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, thank you very much. Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, "Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, I haven't seen it. I don't know." [chuckles] Classic.
Leslie Knope: [fake laugh] What a great and funny story. Okay, before we start, anybody want a hot dog?
Councilman Jamm: Hot dogs? You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist.
Leslie Knope: Yikes, okay. How about a snow cone on me?
Ron Swanson: Hello, Councilman. Chris, Leslie, snow cone lady. I see you're about to play a round of publicly subsidized mini-golf. Mind if I join you?

Councilman Jamm: Yeah, she's right, Swanson. I do love it. You should relax a little. Have a snow cone. Leslie's buying all night.
Ron Swanson: You don't say. She's buying you snow cones, and tomorrow you're voting on an issue that she cares about.
Leslie Knope: Hey, guys, what, are we gonna stand around all day and listen to Ron spout off unrelated facts about blah, blah, blah, or are we gonna play? Game on.
Chris: Hey, everybody, great news. They gave us free mylar balloons.
Councilman Jamm: I got dibs on the dinosaur. And the pirate and the dolphin. I want all of 'em.
Leslie Knope: You got 'em.
Councilman Jamm: Sweet.

Councilman Jamm: What's up, yellow head?
Leslie Knope: Jamm, are you here to rub it in my face that I lost your vote last night?
Councilman Jamm: Well, I was, but it doesn't have to go down that way.
Leslie Knope: You shook Ron's hand and told him that you were gonna vote to close the putt-putt.
Councilman Jamm: My word is garbage. [chuckles] Everyone knows that. Let's talk deal. What can you offer me to change my mind?
Leslie Knope: Wow, Jamm, even for you, this is pretty sleazy.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, don't act so shocked. A few months ago, you traded me your office for that stupid swimming pool bill. Last night you bring in a teenage girl to pump me full of snow cones. This is simply how people like us operate.

Councilman Jamm: Tongue baths? Eggplants? Firemen? Those men are heroes who deserve respect! 9/11! [cheers and applause] This is how Leslie Knope runs her Parks Department? We are going to hold hearing after hearing, until we are satisfied. This will be blown way out of proportion! You have my word on it!

Leslie Knope: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Jamm, I thought this bill was tabled?
Councilman Jamm: Yes, and I called a special session and un-tabled it. What's up with the roller skates?
Leslie Knope: I was about to attend a roller skating birthday party for my husband, but this is more important.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, I don't care. I'm a blades guy.
Leslie Knope: Point of order! The councilwoman wishes to speak on this issue.
Councilman Jamm: Will the councilwoman yield her time so we can vote on this sucker?
Leslie Knope: No, I will not yield. Nor will I yield for the rest of the evening.
Councilman Jamm: A filibuster? Are you dookin' on my chest right now?
Leslie Knope: No! Gross!