Donna: Ugh. Ooh, this is bad. I'm gonna get fired.
Leslie Knope: No one is getting fired, okay? Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall. He's trying to take me down, and he's willing to attack my friends in the process? No. No way. Not on my watch.
Chris: Not on her watch.
Leslie Knope: He is not gonna sully your name.
Chris: No sullying allowed!
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about it, Donna. We're gonna nip this in the bud.
Chris: Guard your buds, 'cause they're about to get nipped!
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Chris: Okay.

Chris: I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with, and I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like thinking. And racquetball.
Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets, and it turns out there are some more things that she said about you. "Message to the recall haters: You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. #bossbitch."
Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet for me. #sisterfromanothermister, #bossbitch."
Chris: It appears, whereas "bitch boss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "boss bitch" is a term of endearment. Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth!

Chris: Hey, what's up, guys?
Jerry: Look what Ron made. It's amazing.
Ron Swanson: Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop, and have begun working it into a crib for my upcoming child.
Chris: Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib. You're ignoring every known crib-safety standard. It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading, "Are You Going To Crawl My Way?" By Lenny Kravitz.
Ron Swanson: My crib will be safe because I'm building it with my own two hands.
Chris: I bought my crib in Bloomington, and I am confident that it is literally the safest crib in the explored universe. Let me take you there, and you can talk to the salesperson.
Ron Swanson: Counteroffer: you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.
Chris: Counter-counteroffer: you come with me, or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting. Either way, it's a win for me.

Chris: Ann found this place. It's where we bought our "Sounds of Nature" machine.
Ron Swanson: You bought a machine that replicates an open window?
Chris: Frasier! Chris Traeger. Do you remember me? I came in here looking for the Vanna White book on child care, "I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle of Parenting". Could you show my friend, Ron, that amazing crib that you sold me? The Babylove L'il Sweetheart Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap.
Chris: I'm sorry?
Frasier: Just found out this morning, it's being recalled. They found maxicylofentabol in the glue.
Chris: Is that good? It sounds bad.
Frasier: It burned off my fingernails.
Ron Swanson: I'll be in the car.

Chris: [aside to camera] I really wish Ron would engage, but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips simply by being in his presence. Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. Does that make sense? My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Well, tell everybody in Michigan I said hi, and tell your mom that I love the banana cake she posted on Pinterest. Oh, the father of your child is here. I have to go. I'll talk to you soon. I love you. [hangs up]
Chris: Was that Ann? I hope you were speaking to her in a calming voice 'cause babies can hear everything. Baby, if you can still hear me, I love you.
Leslie Knope: The phone is hung up.
Chris: Oh.

Chris: Good morning, Ann Perkins. How are you feeling today?
Ann: Perfect. Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill.
Chris: [laughs] Whales don't have feet.
Ann: I am a crazy shape. This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin. Did I mention that my feet kill me all the time?
Chris: Oh! Let me rub them. Oh, wait. No. I read something on raddadsolutions.net that there's a pressure point in the foot that could induce labor.
Ann: Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm gonna go choke down those horse pills I have to take every day.
Chris: Oh, no, no, I'll cut them in half for you. And I will pour you a glass of flaxseed milk to wash it down. Everything is amazing. Today is perfect, and I love you.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Chris is so wonderful and thoughtful and positive. He's driving me up the [bleep] wall.
Chris: Smoothie's ready!

Chris: Well, never fear. I will get you Tylenol for your pain and shea butter for your belly. And your voluptuous figure only means your body is working exactly as nature intended it. There, it's all good. Is that better?
Ann: Yeah. Thanks.
Chris: I've been reading up on nipples. The reason that you're feeling nipple sensitivity is because your milk ducts in your nipples are opening up, which is why I bought you this nipple kit. It's from Kernsten's, the nipple people. It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.
Ann: Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word "nipple."
Chris: Okay. Anyway. Hopefully that will help you with any sensitivity that may arise around your... boob hats.

Ben: Hey, so we have a little farewell gift for you. We all pitched in and got you a gift card from that home store, "Pots and Pans."
Chris: We have been on the prowl for some amazing pots.
Ben: Well, that card's for three pans.
Chris: Either way, this is great. You know what? We should get to the good-bye party, although I know it's mostly for Ann.
Tom: Yeah, but there's, like, one corner for you and it's just carob cookies and berries.
Chris: Carob cookies and berries are literally my favorite dessert alternative. I'll go get changed.

Chris: It was your idea to get me that box.
Ben: Ah, it was a group effort.
Chris: But it had that trademark Ben Wyatt mix of thoughtful and resourceful. You are literally the best friend that I will ever have.
Ben: You too, man.