Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Jess: Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!
Cece: I totally forgot we were going to run today.
Jess: I e-mailed you, like, three times.
Cece: Maybe you typed "gmoil" again.

Jess: Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft, and that means that I have some secrets I want to get off my chest.
Schmidt: I'd rather not hear those.
Nick: Nobody wants to hear these.
Jess: Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
Schmidt: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.
Nick: Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.