Commentator: [on TV] There is something you don't see every day. A runner in this race with four legs.
Lieutenant Disher: Hang on a second. Stop the tape.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: What's that right there? Go back a little. Is that a dog?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It's a poodle.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he put the chip in the dog collar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a little poodle. Can a little poodle run 26 miles?
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he drugged it. I mean, if it's on drugs, yeah. I can call a vet.

Adrian Monk & Lieutenant Disher: [in unison] Oh, my God. I've got it. Here's what happened!
Lieutenant Disher: We didn't meet by accident.
Adrian Monk: She electrocuted him.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a set-up from the very beginning. Oh, I can see that now. God, I'm such an idiot!
Adrian Monk: She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She wanted to make it look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe I believed it because I wanted to believe it. All those fortunes were printed in advance, just for me!
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came.
Natalie: That's why she bought those bags of ice.
Deputy Paul Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither one.
Adrian Monk: She froze the body so the coroner would never know the time of death.
Lieutenant Disher: The first fortune predicted that I'd be saved from a dirty death which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant.
Adrian Monk: Last night, during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lieutenant Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me.

Lieutenant Disher: [sings] I'm tired of sucking up And I'm tired of sucking up and working for the man Keeping people down 'cause the law says I can Cuff my brothers and sisters that's not the way to be But honey those days are gone Cause baby I am free I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right I don't need a badge to tell me day from night I don't need a badge because my eyes can see I don't need a badge 'cause baby I am free.

Nurse: It's not possible. Mr. Johansen never left his room. He's been on the heart monitor all night. Here's a cardiogram. No gaps, no interruptions.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, all we know for sure is that he never took the monitor off. What if he took it with him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, please.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's possible. I mean, all he had to do was strap the monitor to his back. And then climb out the window, shimmy down one story, unspooling 600 feet of wire along the way.
Nurse: He's 82 years old.
Lieutenant Disher: He's a veteran. They were the Greatest Generation.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You through?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Vehicle Identification Universal tracking program. Come on, come on, come on. Okay, shoot.
Lieutenant Disher: First letter "t," as in tsunami.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Tsunami.
Lieutenant Disher: Silent "t."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not "T" as in "Tom"? Just say "Tom."
Lieutenant Disher: What's the difference?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It doesn't- The "t" is silent.
Lieutenant Disher: It's not completely silent. T- sunami.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, all right. Let's go.
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, second letter, "P" as in...
Captain Stottlemeyer: "P" as in "Paul."
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Lieutenant Disher: Society. We live in a society.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do Randy. Meanwhile the p's been sitting on my screen for ten minutes.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. "P" for pan. No. Panavision. Tsunami, panavision. The next letter, "L" as in...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh...
Lieutenant Disher: No, we can come back to that one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy. We- [phone rings] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that lipstick? Sick enough for you?
Lieutenant Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
Uniform Officer: The what?
Lieutenant Disher: The Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you.

Natalie: All right, so they broke in, they killed a security guard, and stole an egg-eating robot.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, could the machine possibly be involved?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you say?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, in science fiction, they sometimes come alive. They become sentient. If this were a movie, you'd believe me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If this were a movie, I could walk out, Randy.

[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like a straight-up break-in. Punches a hole through this window. Opens the door from the inside. She wakes up. They fight. He takes that statue from here hits her once. So, base of the skull. Medulla oblongata. Killed her instantly.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I don't think so. That hole's pretty small. I don't think anyone could fit their hand through there.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure they could.
[present:]
Charles Friedkin: And did you determine whether Monk was right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir. Lieutenant Disher ran a field test to be certain.
[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: [whimpers] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[present:]
Judge Santa Croce: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. I saw Lieutenant Disher in the hall before the trial. I couldn't help but notice both of his hands were bandaged.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am. He wanted to be sure, so he tried it again with the other arm.
Judge Santa Croce: He tried it again?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's very thorough.

Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but, Sharona, you got to admit, if Monk thinks your uncle's running some kind of a scam, he's probably running some kind of scam.
Sharona: Randy, Adrian is not- He's not infallible. He's been wrong before. Remember the ski instructor? Adrian said he was the guy, and it ended up being his twin brother. Do you remember that one?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, no, he was the guy, remember? There was no brother. He was pretending to be his own twin.
Sharona: Well, I still don't believe it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Be nice if we had a body. She could be anywhere.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, no, not quite anywhere. All right, this is her house, and we know it's not there. This is the park we checked yesterday. It's not there. That's my house. We can eliminate that.
Natalie: Oh, and this office.
Lieutenant Disher: That's true. It's not here. Captain? Is there anything you want to eliminate?