Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'? We were looking at this case all wrong. It wasn't a burglary. It was all about the wall. The whole time. Here's what happened. The killer was in here last Thursday night. This is where he met Michelle Cullman. They have an artist in here a few nights a week sketching the customers. He drew their picture right there on the wall. After the murder, the killer remembered the sketch. That sketch could hang him. It could prove that he was with the victim the night she died. And it would prove what he was wearing. The same shirt we found at the murder scene. He had to destroy that sketch. So he smashed through the wall and pretended it was part of a burglary. He just pretended to be breaking into a pawn shop. It was never about the pawnshop.
Female Cop: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: You know?
Female Cop: I was here ten minutes ago when Monk was explaining it to you.

Lieutenant Disher: There's a contest. It's like a promotional thing. Collect all the pieces, you get free refills for life. I've been looking for this one for six months. Ha, free refills for life. Captain. Captain, I drink four of these a day. I live to be 100, that's, like, a million dollars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, a security guard was shot and killed. This is a homicide investigation.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir, I know. This coupon is three weeks old. CSI guys just cleared it. It's not part of the case. Cap- Captain, you're a spiritual person. I mean, you believe in God, right? I think this happened for a reason. Him dying, me finding this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: Circle of life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
Lieutenant Disher: Exactly. Except instead of a lion, it's me. And instead of a baby cub, it's a Diet Coke.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm gonna let you have the receipt on one condition. You know what you just said about the lion, and the baby cub, and the Diet Coke? You don't ever repeat that again as long as I'm alive, understood?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.

Adrian Monk: Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, these kind of things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics. There was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery. Next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.

Adrian Monk: What about the other idea? You said you had two.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, yeah, it's just a long shot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [grabs DVD from under Randy's arm] The Terminator?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same names. Forget it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
Lieutenant Disher: That was T.2.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
Lieutenant Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: And things of this nature.

Natalie: So it was suicide?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. Look at his wrists. Hair has been pulled out. Someone taped them. He was tied up.
Lieutenant Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lieutenant Disher: That's different. It's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider is?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm. Tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie: Are you crying?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.

Adrian Monk: Where's the towel? There's no towel next to the pool. I wouldn't go swimming first thing in the morning in October without a towel. I mean, I wouldn't go swimming anyway, but you see what I mean. I think she was killed.
Lieutenant Disher: Let me guess. The victim was not afraid of water. It's him, The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer. If there were, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago.

Natalie: Well, maybe somebody injected him with something, like a needle.
Lieutenant Disher: No, I was there, I would've seen that. A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lieutenant Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long, elastic wire attached to the blow dart. They're called Dartarangs.
T.K. Jensen: How do you know they're called Dartarangs?
Lieutenant Disher: 'cause they're probably called it. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Just nod your head and say maybe.
T.K. Jensen: Maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Interesting, Randy. Interesting.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: But they use pickaxes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're moving on.

Lieutenant Disher: Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Liposuction. Yeah. He lipo'd himself down to, like, I don't know, like, 400 pounds. Down the elevator, crossed town, killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
Lieutenant Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. He just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that's possible?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves.

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Lieutenant Disher: It was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor trailer head-on. He and his wife were both DOA.
Adrian Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker? "Happiness is a choice."
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Adrian Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, it was an epiphany, Monk. I mean, you can't just choose where you get it. I mean, it could be from a guru on a mountaintop or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.