Captain Stottlemeyer: John Rollins, you're under arrest for murder and conspiracy to commit.
Lieutenant Disher: We know you're working for Biederbeck. We know you framed Monk.
Sheriff Rollins: Me? You're under arrest. Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting. Arrest him!
Captain Stottlemeyer: No! I'm a Captain of the San Francisco Police Department! Arrest him!
Sheriff Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction. Arrest him!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, you don't seem to understand. This Patrick Kloster thing is a big, bad headline just waiting to happen. Now I know that you're upset. I know that this case is very important to you. But we need real hard evidence. Maybe if you found some powder already ground up in a little bottle inside his house. Maybe then.
Adrian Monk: In a bottle? Right, we wouldn't even need his fingerprints. We could just say he wore gloves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you say?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come here, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Down the hall there's a sign I think is a little crooked. I want your opinion.
Adrian Monk: Crooked. I'll be right back.

James Novak: [v.o.] And as night falls on San Francisco, Adrian Monk is left alone with the case.
Natalie: Mr. Monk takes all of his cases very seriously. But when a woman is killed, it's different. It hits him pretty hard.
James Novak: Because of Trudy?
Natalie: Yeah, because of Trudy.
James Novak: Trudy Monk, the love of Adrian Monk's life and the only case he hasn't been able to solve. They met 28 years ago while they were both attending The University of California. They were married a short time later. Trudy's love was so strong that most of his phobias and personal demons were kept at bay. It would be the happiest time of his life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, you wouldn't recognize him. Back in the day, he loved his work. He loved his life. He used to walk in here whistling. He hasn't whistled for a long time.

Lieutenant Disher: McCloskey's already talking. We're digging up the fountain tomorrow too. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not.
Lieutenant Disher: How's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not sorry. [chuckles] I know it's all a hoax. I know it's a big con game. But It felt real. That's all I can say. Randy, when I drank that water, something happened. It was like a slate inside me was wiped clean and I started over. It felt great. Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call my son. Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute. Um, I almost forgot. This is for you. [hands Disher a razor] Merry Christmas. [answers phone] Jared, hey! I was just about to call you. Yeah, I love you too.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a razor. Is this for me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shave it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell is going on? Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Sorry, it was a false alarm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: False alarm.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I thought I heard a prowler, but it was just Jack. I forgot he was staying here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait. You forgot that you had a house guest? You? [to Jack] Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. I'm going home. If I can get back in bed in 20 minutes, there's a chance I won't remember any of this.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean look, it's not complicated, Vince. If you know where your cousin is, and you're not telling us, that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lieutenant Disher: Aiding and abetting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder. Which is a very, very long good-bye. Let me put it this way, your parole officer, he hasn't been born yet.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that it?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. "For Professor Dean Berry in deepest appreciation."
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the bike. And it was in the dumpster?
Ronnie O'Dell: Yes, sir. We downloaded this unit at approximately 14:30 this afternoon. I read about the stolen bike in the paper, and the officer that was shot over it. I like to read the police blotter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a fact?
Ronnie O'Dell: Uh, yes, I think it's my civic duty. You see, I like to think of the Sanitation Department as being the eyes and the ears of the city.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, this is Ronnie O'Dell. He's been, uh, very helpful.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sounds like it. So the bike was just sitting there on top?
Ronnie O'Dell: No sir. It was buried. It was on or beneath, what we like to call the "nadir," see, which is very important to us. Because we know when this unit was last emptied. Which means that we can pinpoint the day, and even approximate the time when the bike was discarded.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Which was?
Lieutenant Disher: 3:30, Monday afternoon. About 20 minutes after it was stolen.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, the bike rack is about a 1/2 mile away. So what, the guy steals the bike, he rides a couple of blocks, and then throws it away?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Ronnie O'Dell: Apparently.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He didn't want the bike. After all of this. What the hell's going on?
Ronnie O'Dell: We don't know, sir. Frankly, the lieutenant and I... We're stymied.
Lieutenant Disher: We found the basket.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, Randy, get it over with. Tell me now. Is the basket made of gold?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's a basic basket. We've been through this whole truck, only thing we can't find Is the bell, the cable, and the lock.
Ronnie O'Dell: Wait a second. What do you got? Eh? [rings bell]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good, you found the bell. [bell ringing continues] Thank you. You can stop ringing the bell now.

Natalie: There he is. You made it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I heard you had a little disagreement with a "Don't walk" sign?
Natalie: But here you are. I knew you could do it.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I had a little help.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, don't tell me. A little old lady took you by the arm and helped you across the street.
Adrian Monk: She's not that little. That's her over there.

Captain Stottlemeyer: There you are. Pretty sweet?
Adrian Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
Adrian Monk: But they're they're not actually playing in the game.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just gotta turn your mind off. You do have an off switch, right?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, here. You can borrow mine. Beer. Nature's off switch.
Adrian Monk: No, thanks. I think I'll pass.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey! Look at this guy. Pace yourself, buddy. It isn't even kickoff yet!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Get a job. Hippie.