Adrian Monk: What was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was the opening kickoff. We're officially missing the game. Why am I not surprised? Monk, what are you doing? With the hands? What?
Adrian Monk: It's just a charcoal grill. It doesn't make any sense. Why would it just explode?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it makes perfect sense. These things blow up all the time. First off, the kid was plastered. He dumps a half a gallon of lighter fluid on the son of a bitch, dropped a match, and kaboom! No, no, no, first play of the game, and we're already behind.
Adrian Monk: That's not lighter fluid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's gasoline. You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I didn't do it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, at least quit smiling.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It was just a prank.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but what if it wasn't? You heard the paramedic. That guy could have been killed. No, something is going on here. Feels more like attempted murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey! You want this to be attempted murder! You do. Yeah, admit it! You need this to be a real case, because that's all you know. Snoopin' around, sniffin' around. Maybe you're right about the grill. You probably are. But it can wait. It can wait. We can lock the scene down. Nobody's goin' anywhere.
Scalper: Tickets here. Who needs two. Who needs two?
Adrian Monk: Hey, isn't that illegal? That's illegal.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a football game, Monk! Come on, use the off switch. Everybody has an off switch, right?
Adrian Monk: He's probably selling them for twice what they're worth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe not.

Bob Costas: [on TV] Well, this morning, the Condors were favored by 12, but the wildcat defense has played a nearly flawless first two quarters of football, and as we send you back to the studio for the halftime show, it's all tied up 10 to 10. [to Stottlemeyer] 10 to 10. Monk'd love that, huh?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Bob, I gotta go.
Bob Costas: Now? It's only halftime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. You've been great. Thank you for everything.
Bob Costas: No problem.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But my best friend, great guy, an amazing guy, I left him downstairs alone, and he deserves better.
Bob Costas: Sure. I understand. Is he with Monk?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Good morning. I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher. You know Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger.
Lieutenant Disher: You're a hard man to find, Mr. Crawford. We were leaving messages at your house.
Paul Crawford: My apologies, Lieutenant. I was out all night. Working on a series of articles about police corruption. They're confidential, hush-hush. You understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I look forward to not reading that.

Adrian Monk: Captain, captain, is she, is she okay? Oh, my God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's okay. She wasn't in the car. She had a remote control starter on her keychain. Thing saved her life.
Adrian Monk: Oh, thank God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you know her?
Adrian Monk: In a way, I watched her grow up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You watched her grow up? Oh, on television.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I never missed an episode. I was kinda obsessed with the show.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Can't imagine.
Adrian Monk: Galvanized pipe bomb?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, electric blasting cap wired to the ignition. Very simple, very crude. Anyone who's online could have built it. Means anybody could have done it but you.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Waingaya, the case is open. Sergeant Kramer's a good guy. He's gonna do his best. But cases like this are very, very hard to solve. Do you understand? You can't ask for miracles.
Samuel Waingaya: Ansara used to say, "Miracles happen every day. You just have to know where to look."
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, excuse me, there's no smoking in the building.
Samuel Waingaya: It's okay, Lieutenant Disher, I know the routine. I brought my smoking bag.
Lieutenant Disher: Your smoking bag?
Natalie: He's trying to quit. He's down to two bags a day.
Samuel Waingaya: [laughs] Did you hear that? She said two bags instead of two packs. Thank you so much, Natalie Teeger, for teaching me how to laugh again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, there's a smoking section down at the end of the hall. Natalie, Randy, why don't you take Mr. Waingaya and his bag...
Lieutenant Disher: We don't have a smoking area.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just go to the conference room and open a window.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] How's Monk holding up?
Natalie: Not so good. He thinks he saw a UFO.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Maybe they're there to take him home. Maybe that's his ride. [laughs]
Natalie: That's what I said! Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

Stanley Grenblatt: Get outta here, both of you! I'm gonna call the police!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Greenblatt, we are the police. We're here to help you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't need your help. Just leave me alone.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we think you might be in danger.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn what you think! Would you get out of my house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you ever seen this man before? His name's Jimmy Barlowe, also known as Mad Jimmy. He owns a couple of casinos in Reno.
Stanley Grenblatt: I never heard of him, okay? You satisfied?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he knows you.
Stanley Grenblatt: I don't give a damn who knows me. Why don't you people just leave me alone? You're gonna give me a heart attack. [throws pan]
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, we can protect you. We can put you in a safe house.
Stanley Grenblatt: Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere, not with you or anyone. Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye. [throws another pan]
Lieutenant Disher: I think he wants us to leave.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think? Stanley, we're leaving.
Lieutenant Disher: Why would Jimmy Barlowe want to kill this guy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe he met him.

Adrian Monk: I'm not a tough guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure you are.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you are one of the toughest guys I know.
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just don't advertise it. But it's in you. It's buried deep down. You fooled all those wise guys, didn't you? You couldn't have done that unless it was in you. And you stood up to me. I'm proud of you, man.
Adrian Monk: I don't feel it. I had it. I had it for one day but, it's gone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not gone. It's there. When the chips are down and it really matters, you'll find it.