Mitchell: Hi, Lionel, it's nice meeting you.
Lily: Hey. Cool shirt.
Ronaldo: It's a basketball costume.
Lionel: Jersey.
Ronaldo: Jersey. Right. Like "Jersey Boys."
Pepper: Okay, somebody fix me a drink. We just got cheeseburgers out of a window and ate in our car. Do we have to disclose that when we sell it?

Cameron: You're terrible parents. [Pepper gasps]
Mitchell: Okay, so, I guess we are saying something.
Cameron: All right. Time for some tough love, boys.
Pepper: Oh, goodness, we feared you two might be into that sort of thing, but we're gonna have to pass.
Mitchell: Oh, you can't possibly think that's what he meant.

Cameron: All right, who's up next?
Mitchell: Pepper!
Pepper: Oh. How many scenes does kickball have?

Pepper: Oh, it's fabulous, Phil. Mother would love it. It's her generosity and my power of attorney that are making this purchase possible.

Phil: But you have tons of friends. Mitch and Cam love you.
Pepper: Yeah, they're okay in small doses. And a straight-guy friend, never. A lot of straight guys find me...
Phil: Annoying?
Pepper: Intimidating. Wait for me to finish. This isn't Mad Libs.

Pepper: Did you hear that? And he wasn't just talking to Phil. He was talking to 10-year-old you and 12-year-old you and...
Mitchell: Suck it, Nancy!
Pepper: [gasps] I was just trying to help.

Mitchell & Cameron: Pepper!
Pepper: [singing] Here come the grooms All dressed in fun tuxes from my Pepper collection.
Mitchell: Ha, wow. Look at all your ideas.
Pepper: Honey, this is just the index. Ronaldo! I brought linens and place settings and invitations and stemware.
Ronaldo: Hello. I'm Ronaldo.
Pepper: Oh, don't be such a chatterbox. And go and fetch the platter box. Now, let's lose this couch.
Mitchell: Wow, you need that much space, huh?
Pepper: No, it's hideous. This can't be news to you.

Cameron: Okay, this place is cozy, right?
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine.
Pepper: It's oh, it's going to be fine.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pepper: Although we may need to sit some of the overflow guests upstairs.
Mitchell: Oh, we don't we don't own the upstairs.
Pepper: Really? I always assumed there was a nicer part you weren't showing me. [to Ronaldo] Make sure their checks have cleared.

Phil: And we make our way back to the formal entryway, which, according to your checklist, "must be large enough to make people swoon when they step inside."
Pepper: I want to do it again. "Ugh, that Pepper claims to be wealthy, but I don't believe it for a... [gasps] Oh, my heavens! We're peasants."

Phil: It's got everything on your list: piano bar, his and his dining rooms, plus a view of Rihanna's roof, which I never quite understood.
Pepper: I did a party for her once, and I could feel those judgy Barbadian eyes looking down on me. Now who's looking down on who, RiRi?
Phil: Like they say, location, location, vengeance.