Pepper Saltzman Quotes Page 4 of 8
Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)
Pepper: Wait. Why am I seeing only half a quartet?
Cellist: Ed and Jim are volunteer firemen.
Pepper: Of course they are. Try to play in front of a mirror.
Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)
Pepper: Okay, it's show time. Cue the processional. Phil, as they say in my native South Carolina, it's time to marry your brother-in-law.
Quote from The Wedding (Part 2)
Pepper: Cue the quartet. Where's the other one?
Ronaldo: He rode with the caterer who flipped his truck.
Pepper: Why do good things happen to everyone but me? Let's send the flower girl before she's a flower teenager.
Quote from Fight or Flight
Mitchell: Hey Everybody, Sal's here.
Cameron: Okay. All right. Is this straight?
Pepper: You're throwing a baby shower with a dozen men in tailored pants sipping Bellinis. Nothing about this is... [groans] I can't even finish.
Mitchell: Really? The last word was too much?
Quote from Fight or Flight
Pepper: [groans] Oh, this is a true disaster.
Mitchell: Isn't it?
Pepper: Someone put a Spanish roof on what is clearly a mid-century ranch.
Quote from Fight or Flight
Ronaldo: He has to stay somewhere tonight, no?
Cameron: Yeah, how about right here, because we know how to raise a child?
Pepper: Oh, please. We'll dress him and feed him and Conchetta can handle the poopy stuff. I gave her Obamacare. It's the least she can do.
Quote from Fight or Flight
Mitchell: We all want what's best for the baby. You're very nice people, but we've done this before.
Pepper: So? It's our turn. I've wanted a child for some time now. My biological clock is ticking.
Cameron: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Pepper: Is it? I'm 44.
Mitchell: Or that is.
Pepper: You are one mean lady.
Quote from Fight or Flight
Pepper: Give me one reason why Sammy should stay here tonight instead of with us.
Cameron: Because we're experienced parents. We have a crib.
Mitchell: We have a pediatrician. Our house is baby-proofed.
Ronaldo: Our house was in Architectural Digest.
Pepper: Ronaldo, please, you're not helping. They don't know what that is. How can you even fit another child in this shoe box? You're poor. We have a beautiful house with a big yard where he could throw the ball with the gardener.
Quote from I Don't Know How She Does It
Cameron: Another great Pepper Saltzman production, guys.
Pepper: Oh, please. What's tackier than a Friday lunch wedding? Table five needs more... [pained] ketchup. I have to hide my face with a coat every time the videographer comes around.
Ronaldo: In the old days, he'd never taken a cheap job like this, but the gay-wedding business is drying up.
Pepper: We do the bargain ones as Sherman Saltzman Events, and I haven't been Sherman since I got on that bus in Lubbock 35 years ago.
Quote from I Don't Know How She Does It
Mitchell: Pepper, before you run off again, why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?
Pepper: Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way you declined those last two wedding invitations.
Cameron: We didn't get those invitations.
Pepper: I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan. Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box. No excuse, no gift. Of course you put people off. It's just not classy. [silverware clatters, spits] How old are these pudding cups?!
Ronaldo: Come, carino. There's a vending machine in the lobby.
Pepper: If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me?